So, I had been planning on writing this for a while and had exactly the words chosen already. I was going to say that I had a scare- and no it’s not that I am pregnant, that would be the least of my problems. I was hoping to report that my pain was caused by pneumonia, but alas, it did not go that way for me. My tumor in my left lung is growing. I am thankful that it has not spread to anywhere outside of my lung, but it is still such a hard-hitting blow to find out that the chemo I was on was no longer working. After getting such positive results from my X-Ray three weeks ago, I was sure that nothing could have come up in that short amount of time. Well, I was wrong! However, it could always be worse and it does not hurt as badly as it did during 2013 Swimming State. That was just awful. But I am glad we have caught the cancer before it got any worse. As nervous as I was for the results, I needed to know and there was no way or no good reason to put off telling the doctors, especially considering my history.

Basically, on Monday I got a chest X-Ray right when I got in the clinic so my results could process. I already had a very bad feeling about what it was, especially considering how well I know my body by now! Once we got the results back, Tamara told me that my tumor was growing and was able to show me the difference in scans, just how it was done to show my progress. Now, the difference is not that big, but it has made me uncomfortable and pretty painful. I am so grateful that it has not spread yet!

So I got admitted to the hospital at around 4pm, got hydrated, and started chemo at about 1am. You could say I was pretty tired, but I needed to start the process of killing the cancer right away- this is one place where I will not procrastinate! I have three heavy duty chemo drugs: ifosphamide, etopocide, and carboplatin. The term they use for this regimen is ICE. I have already have the first two I described and they were bad enough, however I heard from a nurse that carboplatin is the worst one. Yay me! I am not looking forward to feeling sick all the time again, but if I went through it once, then I will get through it yet again. I am going to be a miracle baby. I need to be a miracle baby.

So unfortunately, my hair is going to fall out again and I am very upset about that. The first time around, I did not even care that I sported no hair. Now, after having lost it, I have a new appreciation and attachment for it. So you know what I did with my hair that is not going to be around for much longer? I dyed it all teal. I love it! It actually gave me something to smile about! I have always wanted to be daring with my hair, so now I have the chance. I feel like it would be best to dye it so I won’t have any regrets about it. Someone told me that it made me look like a mermaid, and that was just so cool!

I am feeling a little tired today because of how little sleep that I got, mostly because there was such short notice given to the hospital staff. As long as I was not really nauseous, I could not complain about the wait for getting hydrated and getting orders sent into the pharmacy.

I did have a few visitors today, I think I needed them here, therefore we all feel better about what I am going through and what the Rundles are going through. Katie and Julie Rundle came by to visit as promised, and they brought me Jamba Juice upon Jamba Juice. They are pretty much family, we all feel so comfortable around each other. My nurse Renee from clinic also visited me today. I was so happy to see her, it has been a while. She was there for me when I felt awful, she helped me through my crying from frustrations,and we laughed at other patients who were total brats (oops). We just connected and I know she (as well as the whole Kaiser family) cares about me a whole lot. I also love all of them back. I got to see most of my in-patient nurses who have taken care of me through my worst problems. I loved that, I needed an excuse to see them, but this is not quite the way I wanted to see them, but oh well! All of my cancer nurses are amazing, my oncologists are amazing in the ways that will not let me give up- they always have some thing or another that they can look into other possible cures. They do work so hard to get not only my cancer taken care of, but everyone else who has been diagnosed with childhood cancer. If anyone were to ask why I love my hospital, it is because of all the nurses and oncologists, childlife specialties, radiologists, etc. There are numerous reasons why I am where I am. I feel safe with every single one of my nurses. etc. If I need something, whether it be meds, a blanket, food, an extra milk, ice cream, or whatever they will look for them. I would much rather stay at home and not be sick, but if I have to be sick, I am glad it is here so I get my medication on time by people who know what they are doing.

I think this is all for today, I have been in Ativanland the whole time I have been writing this, but it had to be done!

Love,

Your favorite blonde who is not so blonde anymore- Lauren McCullough

Wind in my Hair So you should click that link to see a pic of me blow drying my hair with a fan!