Resting Up

Unfortunately I have not been feeling as good as I have been in the recent past, but I figure this will pass as my blood counts get to normal. Since today is Sunday, I had to get my blood drawn. I used to get my blood drawn two times a week, every week when I was doing hardcore chemo in 2011-2012. Those shot my veins like crazy and they have yet to recover- they are all scarred up. So since I was on heavy duty chemo last week or so, I have to get my blood drawn twice a week again. Luckily, I had a bit of time to hydrate up even though I woke up at 12, which would have been 1pm had it not been daylight savings. My vein was found easily and I got back home without pain (yes, I did use my numbing cream which has lidocaine in it, but with my baby veins it is more of a necessity than it used to be and I really don’t want to go through unneeded pain). When I got home I answered a frantic call from the lab because one of my blood counts was at a critical level. Having gone through this multiple times, I was unfazed. The lady, who kind of had a voice that was a slower version of Youtube’s Glozell, was telling me that my platelet level was 7. I figured the level was low because I have been bruising nonstop. The lady also told me that I should go to the ER (which is never an option for me, as I hate the ER with a passion because it always takes forever and the IVs hurt like crazy) and if I fell or bumped into something that I should call 911. I was a little giggly at hearing this because I have had platelets this low before because of chemo and this was nothing new to me. I think the lab worker really thought that I did not care or did not know how serious the matter was, but luckily for me I do know better than she does. I called my on-call oncologist, which happened to be Dr. Sonali. I told her about my low platelets and the phonecall that I received, and we both laughed about it. She was surprised that they did not contact her after seeing the low number. Since the doctors and clinic workers see low platelet levels all the time, we know this is not an emergency unless I feel like I am going to bleed out or am internally bleeding (which I am pretty darn sure is not happening). We set an appointment for tomorrow to get a platelet transfusion, which will be around 11am. I guess while I am talking about platelets, that I could explain a little bit of why they are so important. Platelets cause blood to clot. Not having enough of them is dangerous because if I were to get a huge cut or get stabbed for whatever reason, then it would be disastrous. My blood would not clot and I could easily bleed out. However, in the foreseeable future I am not planning on getting stabbed or anything of that matter. Staying indoors is going to be all that I do today and needless to say, I am safe here. As much as I am clumsy, I am not THAT clumsy.

So since I was home on Halloween, I got to spend it with my neighbors. I was so excited for my zombie makeup to be done and to look really, truly scary. I also had an idea of having demon teeth/mouth like that of Mileena from Mortal Kombat. I looked up a few designs that I liked and saved them to my phone as a reference.  I showed Tim what I wanted, and he was able to do it with the help of gelatin, latex, and makeup. I have to say, I looked so good when all was said and done. I was more of a demon than a zombie, but early into the night I got into the fake blood so I could fit in really well with the rest of my group of zombies. What my next door neighbors do is so clever- everyone in the family dresses as zombies with flawless makeup. The driveway looks a bit like a mini haunted house, with everyone acting the part of a zombie. Mom, two children, grandpa and fake bodies littered the lawn and the driveway. When people were to approach the door, they are greeted with scary music and fog. To get to the candy, they do not have to knock on the door but to walk under the stoop and to the bench. Before we go to scare anyone, Tim and I are warned if there are any little kids by the grandpa (aka Father Christmas) and we know not to jump out at them. When we do not get the warning, we sit perfectly still and wait until the perfect moment to move and jump at people. We got a lot of screams and scared little kids (this was just from the makeup) however, we were disappointed that hardly any high school kids were out trick-or-treating. I know damn well that I went trick-or-treating up until I graduated high school, and that was only because of my health issues. Who can argue against dressing up and getting free candy of all sorts? What I hate is when people just go out without a costume and get candy anyways. This year, we had a few kids with backpacks to carry the candy. This seemed really rude to me. First, the costume would be nonexistent or done with no effort, then they would hand over the backpack to get candy. If I were the one in charge of the candy, I would send them off without candy. Pillow cases are perfectly fine for carrying candy- I have done that for years, and even that takes a little bit of effort to get the whole pillow out of the case. Using a backpack is just disrespectful. What also alarmed me was that many of the kids did not know the simple rules of getting candy- saying cheerfully “Trick-or-Treat”. Really, not that difficult. So Tim and I had a little fun with this, we would just stay still until someone said trick-or-treat, or I would say it really loudly (and in an annoyed/rude tone) so that they would finally put two-and-two together. This happened with all ages, which astonished me. I know as a little kid and even as an adult that you are supposed to say trick-or-treat. Do not dare just shove your pillowcase, backpack, or basket in my face demanding candy without asking for it. That really irked me. I did have a good time correcting them though, I must admit. It did make me feel powerful that I had the power to not give the candy to someone until they learned a lesson. As horrible as that sounds, it is just one of the little things that make me feel in control of my surroundings (as my health really isn’t in my control) and I have learned to stand up for myself and for what I believe is right. Whether that is demanding a “trick-or-treat” or telling someone that they  need to shut their mouth at a movie theater, I feel it is necessary. Especially at the movie theaters where you pay good money to watch a movie, so there is no point in talking loudly throughout the whole thing (I did this with Susette when we saw The Conjuring in the theaters, since I was super excited to finally watch a scary movie in the theaters and we both are fascinated by the horror genre, and these people in front of us were being ratchet and talking throughout the film… So someone else got tired of it and told them to shut up from the other side of the theater, to which I said “Thank you!”, and in return the group turned around to look at me, and I gladly said “I am sorry, but I am trying to watch the movie” and then they decided to call me a bitch and turned back around. Needless to say, they were much quieter after that. So I won that battle, although I waited good time at the end of the movie to leave just in case they were mad at me.) Okay that story time is done. =P

Panda, my cat, has finally adjusted to me being back home. Thank goodness! I have my partner in crime back by my side, well more of my cuddle buddy considering how lazy we are. He seems to feed off of my energy and is my couch slug when I am watching tv and surfing the internet. Apparently when I was gone or when I am asleep, he bounces off of the walls and runs all around the house. My brother was telling me how crazy he was while I was sleeping. I had to laugh, he is such a weird cat. My brother stayed at my mom’s house this weekend, so we finally got some good bonding time, considering that I did not get to see him during his birthday weekend (he is now 19!). We watched horror movies all weekend and just talked about random things, I am not really sure what it was, but we had really good conversations. I am so glad that I was in a good mood all weekend and did not snap at him like I usually do (he doesn’t do anything to cause it, I guess we do have a love-hate relationship as siblings). We watched Nightmare on Elm Street first- the new, crappy one where Freddy is more of a pizza-faced rat than the original Freddy played by Robert Englund. We were discussing how much we missed the original Freddy- he is irreplaceable. Apparently, Englund says he is too old to play the main character. I am still happy when I see him in little parts in other movies. I just happen to have the original Nightmare on Elm Street (1-4) and Mark has never seen the first one, so I had to put that on for him. He liked it a lot, as I figured he would. The original Freddy is likable in a very odd way because he is funny and a pervert and a total badass. He is basically immortal, except for the fact that he is already dead, and I feel like no human can win when they cannot sleep. I also happen to have Freddy vs. Jason, which I find to be a fantastic and entertaining movie. Jason is shown as a wimp and basically full of emotion while Freddy is his usual self and is witty. However, Freddy is the more evil of the two, especially considering that he was a child-murderer and came back to kill more children because of his evil spirit. Jason accidentally drowned and is seeking revenge. However, when it comes to which one I would rather face, I would choose Jason in a split second. All you have to do to avoid him is not go to Camp Crystal Lake. The end. You live. With Freddy, if you think about him enough and are scared of him (which you should be) then he can invade your dreams and attack you no matter where you are. I mean, you could flee from Jason by going to a different state or even country just to be safe. Freddy doesn’t care and I am sure the time difference does not get to him and he would not get jet lag by going through someone’s dream if they decided to fly to Japan from California (or wherever for that matter). I kind of rant when it comes to horror movies, but I figure everyone is entitled to their own opinion so it is fair to state mine.

Since my car has been upgraded to my Camaro Christine, my mom decided that she wanted to by Helga the Honda from my dad. During this weekend my mom managed to sell both her Mountaineer and Corolla. I was pretty impressed to say the least. My mom ended up selling the Corolla to my dad’s client for their grandaughter’s birthday. It turns out that the client’s wife is a huge fan of my blog, which is cool that it has reached kind of far. They were all really nice and wanted hugs but considering that my white blood cell counts should be really low, we had to settle for a handshake. Turns out that my WBC counts are good, it was just my platelets were low. I guess you never can be too careful though in my situation. My parents are more of hypochondriacs than I am, but I am always aware and take calculated risks.

Egor and Aiyanna came by to visit me since they will be around for about a week before Aiyanna is shipped off to Virginia (I think, it was something like that!) for her orders. I feel so bad about that, but I know they will beat the distance- if you see the two together you would completely understand that their relationship is worth the distance. We all laughed a lot and had fun just talking about life in general. As it turns out, Aiyanna and I have the same taste in reality tv and both enjoy Jerry Springer. This amused me because most people would not admit to loving this crappy show. We also got to talking about how a lot of our classmates from high school are pregnant or married. I know that I would be a great mom if I were in that situation, but I am so glad that I am not a mother given all of my health problems. I feel like you need to focus on the kid, and there would be no focus there. When you feel sick, you don’t to deal with a crying baby. God knows that I get irritated by noises in general, especially when I am sick, so that would not be a good combination for me. I also like having the possibility of dedicating a huge chunk of time to swim again (hey, a girl can dream right?!). Anyways, I got a workout from talking and standing talking to the pair. They both got to admire Christine, and it turns out that Egor’s Lexus sc430 and my car weigh exactly the same and have similar horsepower. I think it would be a fun time racing him, but they did not drive his car down. Egor wanted to take my car out for a drive, and if I were feeling better I would have let him in a split second, but I just did not want the stress or anything like that weighing down on me- although I do trust him with my cars and my life. I guess you could say I trust all of my best friends with my life. I think that is a good thing, I know they would make the right decisions in a sticky situation. I would not want anyone to take a bullet for me, although some of them would. I personally would rather be the one taking the bullet. Shoot, I spend enough time in the hospital as it is and know that it is not scary, I feel like I would handle it ok. That certainly does not mean that I would go out of my way to get shot or anything, I take calculated risks and know which battles to fight (and I really don’t have any battles to fight other than for my own health!).

Since I have been having such trouble with keeping my weight, I have decided to travel back into the magical world of marijuana. Since I still have not figured out the whole smoking thing, I am going to go with a vaporizer since it is so simple. I always manage to burn my fingers with the lighter, not to mention that I do not have nearly as much strength anywhere anymore so it makes using the lighter even harder. I will admit that I really don’t know how to use a lighter well either, which is kind of sad because you never know when you need to use one (really, I had my grandma help me when I was burning the edges of a painting for one of my classes!). I also snagged two lollipops infused with weed because they looked yummy. I haven’t tried them yet, but I do plan on it in the near future. I weighed myself yesterday and I was 121lbs with sweatpants on (baggy sweatpants, not leggings or yoga pants mind you) so that would be probably 120 without them. I love how well I know my weight, I guessed I would weigh 121 lbs while my dad guessed 122, so I won. Around 124-125 is a great weight for not participating in a sport, so that is what I am going to aim for. I took my weed pill, Marinol, which works as an appetite stimulant (and does get you high, after about 2-3 hours after taking the small, round, poop-brown pill). It eventually did work, so I ate plenty yesterday. I hate relying on medicine and pills of any kind to get through my day, but I guess that is something I have gotten used to. I took around 8-9 pills this morning, considering this weekend I get 1 1/2 immune system pills and I have two added ones for antibiotics. Yay! But as long as they help me, I can so deal with it. And when I get my med list lower when I feel better, it feels like an accomplishment knocking out some of my prescriptions. Oh, and I am back on my neupogen shots to help stimulate my white blood cells to grow back faster. They hurt, but I guess you could say that I am not afraid of needles one little bit!

I have also been thinking about a new idea for a tattoo. I haven’t told anyone about it yet, but I have been thinking a lot about it. I want to get a black scorpion (with white highlights) and have a drop of yellow venom dripping from its stinger. Why? Well, I figure that scorpions represent me very well. Tough but pretty to look at, strong but has a soft inside, nice but if you mess with me and you won’t be happy, it kind of looks muscular in a way, they are a survival machine, and they are a little mischievous considering  that they hide in people’s shoes. The yellow venom will represent my cancer ribbon color. Most people consider that a scorpion tattoo is mainly for Scorpios, but my idea has nothing to do with an astrological symbol. I am still thinking about where it will be put, I am thinking of below my neck near the spine. I would totally have it on my ribs on my left side, but that is too tender and broken for that, and I have a smaller idea for that part (Eden drew it up for me!). Naturally, a lot of research will be put into it to figure out where to get it done because I will not be getting an ugly tattoo. No blown out lines for me, no squiggly lines, no bad shading. I figure if you get a tattoo, it might as well be really good and expensive because it is permanent (unless you plan on spending a shitton of money and go through so much pain for laser tattoo removal).

I think that is about it with my updates… Oh, just a small thing, I think it is kind of funny that now I have to sleep in sweatpants otherwise I get too cold. I only use my ceiling fan and one other fan that is not blowing on me to negate the noise of night. I used to have to use a ton of fans and sleep in shorts because I would get so hot that I would sweat in my sleep no matter what. So this is a new sensation for me, it is kind of nice, this is one change that I can deal with happily.

Oh, and I must be honest, it kind of gets on my nerves when people text me “How are you feeling?”. It makes me feel like I make people worry about me and I personally would rather talk about anything else besides how I am feeling. I am never honest with how I feel, my parents can attest to that one. I always say that I feel good, even when I feel crappy. So unless you want me to say what you want to hear, I recommend asking me what I have been doing or if anything exciting has happened, or if I saw whatever tv show or movie that is popular. I prefer those. I feel like when people ask me how I am feeling that they are kind of pitying me, despite what they really feel. If I am doing well, chances are you will find me posting fun pictures on my instagram. If I am doing really badly, I will post about it and so will my mom on facebook. If no one hears from me, chances are that I am being a hermit and am doing just fine. So when people do ask me how I am feeling, I will not tell them how bad I am doing when I am really doing badly, I will skirt around the question because I am sure that they really do not want to hear every detail that I know from the doctors, and chances are they would not understand anything that I say. I never feel as good as the average person, so it is not worth asking how I am feeling. Chances are, it is not as good as you. However, my emotional and mental health is probably better than most people. Even through everything, I keep hope and stay positive about things, which I guess is another thing that keeps me lying about how I am feeling most of the time. So please, just ask me what I have been doing, if I have any fun plans, talk about a current event, or anything rather than asking me if I feel good or not. Unless I am in the hospital for a very long time, I am doing fine! That is a big indicator of my health. Even if I am going to the hospital for a weekend infusion of chemo (or weekday chemo) or weekend transfusion, that still means that I am doing fine. And when/if I do go in the hospital for something serious, someone will make the news public. I promise!

Okay, I promise I am done ranting now… Bye! Now you can look at some pictures from Halloween…

halloween 2 halloween 3 halloween


Halloween Video (On Instagram)

halloween 5

2 thoughts on “Resting Up

  1. You make an awesome ghoul-zombie! Thanks for writing about what’s on your mind. Some of the stuff you tell about is very funny and, makes me laugh. Of course the hard and serious stuff – nothing funny about that at all. But admire the way you tey to keep,everything real. Hope tomorrow’s platelet session is smooth as silk. Loretta.

    In case you are interested, this was my Halloween.


  2. Dang I love you!!! Keisson my grandson dressed up as Captain America and we went trick or treating until he got scared when somebody jumped out at him over at this house in our neighborhood. His mom (Claire, my oldest) screamed, so he went nuts because he thought something was going on with her. If i was your age and we had been in high school together, I would have sought your friendship at all costs. There are only a few people in my life whose friendships i actively courted, and yours would have been one of them. Heck, i wanna hang out with you now. You are so honest and you just get it all out there on the table. I appreciate that, as my closest friends in this life know everything about me, warts and all, and still think i’m the coolest ever. Because i am. Except for you. How ’bout my beloved Raiders — they just couldn’t have sucked anymore than they did yesterday. I just couldn’t watch. My son Tres and I text back and forth about sports — he doesn’t reveal any personal information of course, because both my kids think i come to school and talk about them all day. Anyway, God bless you. Call me if you ever need a ride. I can be very flexible — plus we can go somewhere in the Camaro and you can let me drive and i count recount stories of my misspent youth. Plus we could go to lunch. xoxoxoxox Roberta

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