Sorry for not having been on for so long, and I really do mean it this time. I have worried some people who do not even know me, but I will let you all know that I am alive and fine, I have just been a little hermit lately.
So why have I been a hermit lately? I can never know for sure, but I have a feeling that it has been because of the depression that just strings along with being diagnosed with cancer- whether it is terminal or not does not change the feeling of wanting to be alone. I felt this the first time I went through cancer in my thigh, I just did not want to talk to anyone and was not interested in texting people or calling people back. I am the same way now. It has nothing to do with who the person it is who I will reply to, I just don’t touch my phone unless I am browsing the internet and whatnot. Ok, I have made a few exceptions to like one select person, but I have been very hard to get a hold of. I guess it is just a little rut that I am in, and I will get over it soon enough, just as I have done in the past. So please, take no offence if I do not respond to your texts or calls or emails, I feel like being a hermit!
Ok, I guess I should update you guys on my medical issues. Even though my cancer prognosis is terminal, there is no longer a date to go with it. No more “3 weeks to 3 months” or even “up to six months”. I will know when and if my time is coming down based by how I feel and how well I can breath. I have been very stable when it comes to my oxygen saturation level has been far above 90% (if you get below that, then you would be wearing tubes to help get you more oxygen. My percentages are around 98%, which is very safe, and that is what keeps me feeling good, if I know that my oxygen saturation level is good, and has been staying good, that means that the radiation is really killing the tumors around the lung. I will always be honest with this blog, and as of now, I would say I have a 5% chance of living, Even with that number being made up by myself, I think it is accurate and it can keep my hopes up that I will be able to go on and live.
Because, I really want to live. (this part is going to be emotional- warning!) I want to be able to actually swim at state and be the best on the DVC swim team. And lets be honest, I would have been captain if I were actually going back to school. I sure hope that I can, because I want to swim, I want to strengthen my relationships with the swimmers I met last year. I love my team, and I need to spend so much more time with them, and to spend time actually competing with them. Gosh, I really want to swim.
I have had many bad side effects from chemo that I drink. Yes, it is as gross as it sounds. I have to take 2 pills and then gulp down chemo mixed with margarita mix and raspberry lemonade. This chemo made my appetite go to zero. I would not want any food and I did not feel even hungry. I lost a lot of weight. Like, 7-10 lbs of weight. Right now, as we speak, I weigh 119.5. I am normally at least 125. So now I am about to get into the medicinal marijuana industry. Yes, you did read that right. Lauren is officially going to be a pot head. But honestly, without it I would not eat at all. I really need to get my card and everything, Ive been putting it off because Ive been in a rut and have not been wanting to do anything or go anywhere.
Oh, and I have had 9 out of my 10 radiations and I have horrible side effects. The target is raised higher towards my esophagus to try to get a tumor that is near my shoulder. So basically my throat hurts so bad because it is burnt. It hurts to swallow in general, not to mention swallowing water hurts, and eating is extremely difficult. I have to take this “magic mouthwash” which honestly does not do the magic it needs to do. It lasts for like 2 minutes of sorta numbness, but doesn’t hit exactly where I need the numbness. So again, I am losing weight. And I actually want to eat this time so that makes it much more annoying. I am craving “Moose Munch” which is caramel corn with chocolate… YUM! But most of all, I really want to eat the Reeses’ Puffs that are in my pantry. I want those so bad, I can almost taste it. Too bad that would tear up my burnt throat almost as much as Cap’n Crunch.
Ok so how about some good news? I went to the bay area to go to what was supposed to be a rager swim party, but it turned into a kickback. I was actually really glad that a lot of people flaked, because there was absolutely no drama between anyone in the group, and the few of us had a lot of fun and bonded. We played some water pong, and I must say, Steven and I made quite a team! The other people who were there was Dom and his girlfriend Shannon, Tyler, Alexa and her friend, Jose, and Matt and Julio for a little bit. We ended up cooking a bomb pasta with white sauce (made by Steven) and caramelized polish sausage (done by myself). It was so good, I swear Steven has the best kitchen ever filled with everything you could ever use in making a dish. I would be cooking all day there.
The day after the kickback, I went to swim with dolphins. It was a whole lot of fun, but it was a little bit of a short ride. We put on wetsuits and got into a pool with two dolphins. I got to ride one, and man, she decided to go fast when it came to me, which was awesome!
So my last day of radiation is tomorrow, and to celebrate I am going to be bartending in an actual bar! I am going to learn how to make drinks and serve them up, I am very excited for this, cuz I have always wanted to know how to make good drinks to impress my friends. A lot of my babysitting coop family members are going to be there as well, so even more of a reason to be excited.
Also, on Sunday, I will be doing a photoshoot with one of my lovely model friends, Danielle. If they can make me look as fantastic as she does (even though she is gorgeous without trying) I will be very excited. I have kind of always wanted to do a photoshoot, but never had the opportunity to do so, and now, well I guess that will be taken care of.
I also did start an OKCupid account, which is a dating site, because there arent exactly many ways that I can meet guys at this point, and I would love to date around and meet new people and just have a lot of fun. I did end up going on a movie date, and we were supposed to hang out the next day, however he had to cancel. Then the next day, we planned on hanging out again, and he totally blew me off and flaked. I have not heard from him since, but it is his loss by far! Shows his immaturity anyways. I havent been on that site in a few days, even though I am talking to some really cool guys.. its just me being a little hermit again…
But I did start writing again, so hey, maybe I will slip out of these antisocial ways soon!
I so admire your strength and your will to live. Your post really touched me and for some reason, made me feel close to you. I’m assuming its because your a swimmer and my maternal instincts kicked in. My 14 (almost 15) year old daughter is a swimmer. She’s been a swimmer since she was 6yrs. I pray that you get better and go on to live a great life!
Lauren everything you feel and do are always honest and true to yourself. So sorry to hear about the side effects – complications and a pain in the a#£ or throat! Take good care of yourself in whatever works for you. You, your family, and your medical team are in my daily prayers. Praying for your miracle and cure beautiful lady – Katie
You are so brave and amazing. I found your blog through a nurse friend’s FB post. Hermiting is just fine! My son had mucositis from a really strong chemo (at Kaiser on Morse in 2005) and drinking the glutamine powder in water three times a day really helped. Might that help you?