dating

Back to Reality

Posted by

3

Sorry for not having been on for so long, and I really do mean it this time. I have worried some people who do not even know me, but I will let you all know that I am alive and fine, I have just been a little hermit lately. 

So why have I been a hermit lately? I can never know for sure, but I have a feeling that it has been because of the depression that just strings along with being diagnosed with cancer- whether it is terminal or not does not change the feeling of wanting to be alone. I felt this the first time I went through cancer in my thigh, I just did not want to talk to anyone and was not interested in texting people or calling people back. I am the same way now. It has nothing to do with who the person it is who I will reply to, I just don’t touch my phone unless I am browsing the internet and whatnot. Ok, I have made a few exceptions to like one select person, but I have been very hard to get a hold of. I guess it is just a little rut that I am in, and I will get over it soon enough, just as I have done in the past. So please, take no offence if I do not respond to your texts or calls or emails, I feel like being a hermit!

Ok, I guess I should update you guys on my medical issues. Even though my cancer prognosis is terminal, there is no longer a date to go with it. No more “3 weeks to 3 months” or even “up to six months”. I will know when and if my time is coming down based by how I feel and how well I can breath. I have been very stable when it comes to my oxygen saturation level has been far above 90% (if you get below that, then you would be wearing tubes to help get you more oxygen. My percentages are around 98%, which is very safe, and that is what keeps me feeling good, if I know that my oxygen saturation level is good, and has been staying good, that means that the radiation is really killing the tumors around the lung. I will always be honest with this blog, and as of now, I would say I have a 5% chance of living, Even with that number being made up by myself, I think it is accurate and it can keep my hopes up that I will be able to go on and live.

Because, I really want to live. (this part is going to be emotional- warning!) I want to be able to actually swim at state and be the best on the DVC swim team. And lets be honest, I would have been captain if I were actually going back to school. I sure hope that I can, because I want to swim, I want to strengthen my relationships with the swimmers I met last year. I love my team, and I need to spend so much more time with them, and to spend time actually competing with them. Gosh, I really want to swim. 

I have had many bad side effects from chemo that I drink. Yes, it is as gross as it sounds. I have to take 2 pills and then gulp down chemo mixed with margarita mix and raspberry lemonade. This chemo made my appetite go to zero. I would not want any food and I did not feel even hungry. I lost a lot of weight. Like, 7-10 lbs of weight. Right now, as we speak, I weigh 119.5. I am normally at least 125. So now I am about to get into the medicinal marijuana industry. Yes, you did read that right. Lauren is officially going to be a pot head. But honestly, without it I would not eat at all. I really need to get my card and everything, Ive been putting it off because Ive been in a rut and have not been wanting to do anything or go anywhere.

Oh, and I have had 9 out of my 10 radiations and I have horrible side effects. The target is raised higher towards my esophagus to try to get a tumor that is near my shoulder. So basically my throat hurts so bad because it is burnt. It hurts to swallow in general, not to mention swallowing water hurts, and eating is extremely difficult. I have to take this “magic mouthwash” which honestly does not do the magic it needs to do. It lasts for like 2 minutes of sorta numbness, but doesn’t hit exactly where I need the numbness. So again, I am losing weight. And I actually want to eat this time so that makes it much more annoying. I am craving “Moose Munch” which is caramel corn with chocolate… YUM! But most of all, I really want to eat the Reeses’ Puffs that are in my pantry. I want those so bad, I can almost taste it. Too bad that would tear up my burnt throat almost as much as Cap’n Crunch. 

Ok so how about some good news? I went to the bay area to go to what was supposed to be a rager swim party, but it turned into a kickback. I was actually really glad that a lot of people flaked, because there was absolutely no drama between anyone in the group, and the few of us had a lot of fun and bonded. We played some water pong, and I must say, Steven and I made quite a team! The other people who were there was Dom and his girlfriend Shannon, Tyler, Alexa and her friend, Jose, and Matt and Julio for a little bit. We ended up cooking a bomb pasta with white sauce (made by Steven) and caramelized polish sausage (done by myself). It was so good, I swear Steven has the best kitchen ever filled with everything you could ever use in making a dish. I would be cooking all day there.

The day after the kickback, I went to swim with dolphins. It was a whole lot of fun, but it was a little bit of a short ride. We put on wetsuits and got into a pool with two dolphins. I got to ride one, and man, she decided to go fast when it came to me, which was awesome!

So my last day of radiation is tomorrow, and to celebrate I am going to be bartending in an actual bar! I am going to learn how to make drinks and serve them up, I am very excited for this, cuz I have always wanted to know how to make good drinks to impress my friends. A lot of my babysitting coop family members are going to be there as well, so even more of a reason to be excited.

Also, on Sunday, I will be doing a photoshoot with one of my lovely model friends, Danielle. If they can make me look as fantastic as she does (even though she is gorgeous without trying) I will be very excited. I have kind of always wanted to do a photoshoot, but never had the opportunity to do so, and now, well I guess that will be taken care of.

I also did start an OKCupid account, which is a dating site, because there arent exactly many ways that I can meet guys at this point, and I would love to date around and meet new people and just have a lot of fun. I did end up going on a movie date, and we were supposed to hang out the next day, however he had to cancel. Then the next day, we planned on hanging out again, and he totally blew me off and flaked. I have not heard from him since, but it is his loss by far! Shows his immaturity anyways. I havent been on that site in a few days, even though I am talking to some really cool guys.. its just me being a little hermit again…

But I did start writing again, so hey, maybe I will slip out of these antisocial ways soon!

Good Day Today

Posted by

2

Image

This is what I have been doing for the last few days, I have been trying to get as much loose hair that has decided to fall out. Luckily now I lose about 5 hairs a day and not a fistful!

Oh the other side of things, my hair is thinner but I can deal with that, I am sure it will come back again and be thicker again. That would be nice! I can tie up my hair a little bit and I guess I need to purchase some hair ties in order to actually use them! That will be an accomplishment as I have not tied my hair up in two years because my hair was not long enough until recently.

I did watch Now You See Me… I will not give anything away, but man, it was such a good movie. It kept me guessing and kept me intrigued. I also laughed a lot during this because the stunts are so cool as well as having likable characters. It is for sure a feel good movie filled with action, magic, and mystery. This has twists that keep coming up until the end. I guess it doesn’t help that I have a thing for Dave Franco… but anyways, it is a must see!

I got my blood drawn today and my counts are good! Blood is a little low, but it should be able to come back up by itself so that I do not have to get a blood transfusion. I no longer have to get my nightly shots so I won’t have to deal with them until after my next week of chemo… so two weeks! 

Man… I want to ask people (guys) if they would find that me having cancer would be a dealbreaker. I want truthful answers that might hurt, but it’s something that I really want to know. Guess I will ask some of my good friends who will be honest with me. And then I will of course have to post the results! 

My First Real Freakout

Posted by

1

So on Saturday night, as my mom was away at her boyfriend’s tennis tournament, my dad was in charge of taking care of my needs (not too much, mind you, more of just keeping me company while I am recovering from the week’s chemo). I started to notice that when I run my hands through my hair or kind of pull it, quite a few strands fall out. Every time I did that, more hair would fall. So naturally, I freaked out and thought that my hair was going to fall out just as it had two years prior. I did not cry the first time that my hair fell out because I was not that attached to it. However, this time it means something new to me, and it is finally at an acceptable length where people do not think I am sick or a lesbian or get weird looks from strangers. I actually get compliments on my short hair. So naturally, I cried when I believed that my hair was falling out. I am not much of a crier at all, but I was genuinely scared about how this would impact my summer.

I did not want to be stared at during the whole summer. I did not want the wrong kind of attention, and not having the hair made me really self conscious. I was always feeling like the girl who no one wanted. I mean, I’m pretty sure that having hair is on top of most guys’ dateable list. Not to mention the fact that having cancer already makes it a little awkward to start dating. For me, I felt like I wasn’t special enough for someone to take a chance on me while at my worst.

Luckily, with my hair grown at the length that it is, I feel normal and confident. You would never know not only that I had cancer, or that I am currently battling it. It took me a while to cool down from my freakout, and I realized that I am just shedding like the average person, and I am simply not used to it because I basically did not have hair for two years. As long as clumps are not falling out of my head I am in the clear. Because if there is something I know about, it is hair loss! I’ve been around it with my friends and had my experience with it.

In other news, I am done with chemo for two weeks! This is the time that I will start to feel good and be able to go out and about! Unfortunately, I caught a cold so I am very stuffed up! Not what I was hoping for but it is nothing to get me put in the hospital, so I will take it. I’ve been feeling progressively better and will get in the pool tomorrow, despite the fact that it will hurt my sinuses. That is something I am going to have to deal with to keep up with having a normal summer and a normal me. I haven’t lost or gained any weight, which is a miracle considering that with chemo a lot of people lose their appetites, however mine has not been affected.

Hopefully I will get my grand start to summer tomorrow! Meeting new people at the club where I swim at and keep my tan. Goodnight. =]