This is day two of my 2nd round of chemo. Luckily for me, the chemo has been a lot easier on my body than the first time I had cancer. I have still not lost my hair and have not vomited, so I have hope on this one. I am going to be trying to keep my summer and then fall and winter fun and as normal as I possibly can.

One thing that truly scared me was when I was told that when ewings sarcoma relapses, its really not a good thing at all. I have a very big possibility of relapsing multiple times in my lifetime, I am just hoping that it is not going to be the thing that ends up killing me. This is scary, it means that I have to live my life as much as possible every single day (except for chemo days) . I am going to start a bucket list of things that I will accomplish before I die (whether that be in a few years or when I am in my 90s.)

• Fall in love
• Go skydiving
• Ride in a helicopter
• Go parasailing
• Swim with dolphins
• Getting a tattoo (once I am done with my chemo for this relapse)
• Have a Christmas on the beach sipping on an alcoholic beverage
• Learn to Bartend
• Take a striptease class with my best friends
• Cook a stellar meal using my Food Network knowledge
• Learn how to use the grill
• Go backpacking (it seems like I will soon with my other chemo buddy)
• Throw a massive party where nothing gets broken or stolen
• Volunteer at a Hospice Center
• Do some gardening
• Be able to run a mile again with my extremely messed up leg
• Take a roadtrip
• Eat something exotic and completely out of the norm
• Go to a nude beach and actually go nude
• Go to my college of choice, Florida Gulf Coast University, and be a contributing part of their Division 1 swim team
• Become a nurse
• Eventually get married

I would love to get all of these things accomplished before I die… Not saying that the doctors or anyone are saying that I am going to die, but there is something kind of solemn when they talk about all of the tumor spots in the lining of my lungs (aka the pleural cavity). Instead of just having one distinct tumor, I have many in the pleural cavity so surgery is out of the question. Although the lung fluid is not cancerous and my bone marrow biopsy was also negative, this is still scary about how bad my lung is infected by the cancer.

What all this means to me is that I need to live each day like it’s my life. I need to have as much fun and accomplish as much as I can while I still feel good, because I will never know when/if I will relapse again. And god knows that third times the charm. But on the positive side, ewings sarcoma does react very well against radiation. So I am hoping that even if I do get rediagnosed the radiation and chemo combination will work well like it has done in the past.

Now I am both scared and mad at my situation, because I really do not understand how something like this could happen to me- as I am intelligent, genuinely nice, athletic, and have a great future ahead of me and I am annoyed at all of these drawbacks. It makes me feel like when I have to explain that I am a 20 year old freshman that I got held back and that I am just another dumb blonde. But I am extremely ambitious, so I plan on going though this with my stubborn, nonquitting attitude.