My First Real Freakout

So on Saturday night, as my mom was away at her boyfriend’s tennis tournament, my dad was in charge of taking care of my needs (not too much, mind you, more of just keeping me company while I am recovering from the week’s chemo). I started to notice that when I run my hands through my hair or kind of pull it, quite a few strands fall out. Every time I did that, more hair would fall. So naturally, I freaked out and thought that my hair was going to fall out just as it had two years prior. I did not cry the first time that my hair fell out because I was not that attached to it. However, this time it means something new to me, and it is finally at an acceptable length where people do not think I am sick or a lesbian or get weird looks from strangers. I actually get compliments on my short hair. So naturally, I cried when I believed that my hair was falling out. I am not much of a crier at all, but I was genuinely scared about how this would impact my summer.

I did not want to be stared at during the whole summer. I did not want the wrong kind of attention, and not having the hair made me really self conscious. I was always feeling like the girl who no one wanted. I mean, I’m pretty sure that having hair is on top of most guys’ dateable list. Not to mention the fact that having cancer already makes it a little awkward to start dating. For me, I felt like I wasn’t special enough for someone to take a chance on me while at my worst.

Luckily, with my hair grown at the length that it is, I feel normal and confident. You would never know not only that I had cancer, or that I am currently battling it. It took me a while to cool down from my freakout, and I realized that I am just shedding like the average person, and I am simply not used to it because I basically did not have hair for two years. As long as clumps are not falling out of my head I am in the clear. Because if there is something I know about, it is hair loss! I’ve been around it with my friends and had my experience with it.

In other news, I am done with chemo for two weeks! This is the time that I will start to feel good and be able to go out and about! Unfortunately, I caught a cold so I am very stuffed up! Not what I was hoping for but it is nothing to get me put in the hospital, so I will take it. I’ve been feeling progressively better and will get in the pool tomorrow, despite the fact that it will hurt my sinuses. That is something I am going to have to deal with to keep up with having a normal summer and a normal me. I haven’t lost or gained any weight, which is a miracle considering that with chemo a lot of people lose their appetites, however mine has not been affected.

Hopefully I will get my grand start to summer tomorrow! Meeting new people at the club where I swim at and keep my tan. Goodnight. =] 

Starting my 2nd Round of Chemo

This is day two of my 2nd round of chemo. Luckily for me, the chemo has been a lot easier on my body than the first time I had cancer. I have still not lost my hair and have not vomited, so I have hope on this one. I am going to be trying to keep my summer and then fall and winter fun and as normal as I possibly can.

One thing that truly scared me was when I was told that when ewings sarcoma relapses, its really not a good thing at all. I have a very big possibility of relapsing multiple times in my lifetime, I am just hoping that it is not going to be the thing that ends up killing me. This is scary, it means that I have to live my life as much as possible every single day (except for chemo days) . I am going to start a bucket list of things that I will accomplish before I die (whether that be in a few years or when I am in my 90s.)

  • Fall in love
  • Go skydiving
  • Ride in a helicopter
  • Go parasailing
  • Swim with dolphins
  • Getting a tattoo (once I am done with my chemo for this relapse)
  • Have a Christmas on the beach sipping on an alcoholic beverage
  • Learn to Bartend
  • Take a striptease class with my best friends
  • Cook a stellar meal using my Food Network knowledge
  • Learn how to use the grill
  • Go backpacking (it seems like I will soon with my other chemo buddy)
  • Throw a massive party where nothing gets broken or stolen
  • Volunteer at a Hospice Center
  • Do some gardening
  • Be able to run a mile again with my extremely messed up leg
  • Take a roadtrip
  • Eat something exotic and completely out of the norm
  • Go to a nude beach and actually go nude
  • Go to my college of choice, Florida Gulf Coast University, and be a contributing part of their Division 1 swim team
  • Become a nurse
  • Eventually get married

I would love to get all of these things accomplished before I die… Not saying that the doctors or anyone are saying that I am going to die, but there is something kind of solemn when they talk about all of the tumor spots in the lining of my lungs (aka the pleural cavity). Instead of just having one distinct tumor, I have many in the pleural cavity so surgery is out of the question. Although the lung fluid is not cancerous and my bone marrow biopsy was also negative, this is still scary about how bad my lung is infected by the cancer.

What all this means to me is that I need to live each day like it’s my life. I need to have as much fun and accomplish as much as I can while I still feel good, because I will never know when/if I will relapse again. And god knows that third times the charm. But on the positive side, ewings sarcoma does react very well against radiation. So I am hoping that even if I do get rediagnosed the radiation and chemo combination will work well like it has done in the past.

Now I am both scared and mad at my situation, because I really do not understand how something like this could happen to me- as I am intelligent, genuinely nice, athletic, and have a great future ahead of me and I am annoyed at all of these drawbacks. It makes me feel like when I have to explain that I am a 20 year old freshman that I got held back and that I am just another dumb blonde. But I am extremely ambitious, so I plan on going though this with my stubborn, nonquitting attitude.