My Day Full of Insecurities

As the wedding date has gotten closer and closer, I have been getting a little anxious about it. No, I am most certainly getting cold feet. I am so excited for the wedding that I am getting a little anxious about it. When I get anxious my insecurities end up getting the best of me. DeAngela, Eden, and Egor all got to see that today. What has been on my mind is “Am I good enough for him?” and “Is he excited to be marrying me?”
I think these are my old insecurities coming back to haunt me back from high school. I have kind of grown into my face since my high school years, but here are some things that I hated about myself back then: my lack of boobs, my flat butt, my very toned stomach, my all-over acne (this included my face, back, and chest), my larger nose, and most importantly that I had a very red tone to my face. I was embarrassed to try to flirt with guys because in the back of my mind I would be focusing on all of my flaws when I should have been thinking about all of the good things about myself such as my bright, blue eyes, infectious laugh, and my bright white smile.
It is kind of weird for me to think of myself being stuck-up on the comments said about me during the past, but it still hurts. I always will remember the words an ex told me, “You look like a pink monkey.” Yeah, I was totally embarrassed.
But what I should be thinking about all that I have to offer now: intelligence, my ability to handle sarcasm and give it right back, my ability to cook, that I get along with a lot of people, that I am a genuinely nice person, that I have not made any major life mistakes, my hair is finally growing back, my cute freckles, the fact that I finally got the boobs and butt that I had always wanted. In fact, I have a bigger rack than most of the swimmers (considering that swimmers are not supposed to have any drag in the front, aka swimmers boobs) but I have smaller hips than most do, I have little baby hips that I never noticed until Katie and Shaila noticed when we were trying on our fastskin suits. Then it finally made sense to them why I was able to fit into a size 26 suit rather than a 32.
I am lucky that my friends put up with my insecurities during this time- and most of the time I am a very confident person, I think it is just that the wedding is coming quickly and I always have to make sure everyone is happy, so on top of that list I have to make sure that my fiance is number one on that list. I want to make sure that he is fine (well more than fine, happy) to be marrying me and all that comes with me, although I am a low maintenance girl. I always feel like I am responsible for the feelings of others, and Egor is no different. I want to make sure that he is truly content with marrying me. He has, of course, reassured me that he is excited for the wedding and for marrying me. I also don’t think that the whole me being terminal has quite gotten to him because he does not really like it when I say things like “I will leave behind a legacy” and stuff about my timeline. I totally get it, I am probably still in denial of my imminent death, and so are a lot of people. And I think that is ok, because I feel that ignorance is sweet, sweet, bliss.
Ok, so more about my day! Well last night my brother, mom, and I got the pleasure to see Kyle, one of the nurses assistants and hang out with him for like an hour talking about creepy guys, code words, and other things all while watching The Bachelorette. Kyle is a nice and innocent guy who is fun to talk to because he and I share the same sort of humor.
So my radiation trip was very normal and non-stressful considering how bad the last day had been. The weather was humid but raining, however I am not a fan of rain but I loved the humidity because the temperature is perfect! When I got back from radiation I was pleased with meeting a new chemo buddy named Ashleigh. She had just graduated high school and has/had osteosarcoma, which is one hell of a scary disease. Anything with the base “osteo” is never a good diagnosis (as you can probably tell with my “luck” of Ewings sarcoma visiting me twice. Anyways, Ashleigh is a very nice girl who happened to look very good bald, so she was one of the lucky few who does not have a misshapen head. Plus her head was not full of tons of big moles, unlike myself when I was a little baldy. Then my buddy from kindergarten all the way through middle school (he moved to a rival school our sophomore year) Drake came by for a visit. It was so nice seeing him, and it felt like no time had passed between all of the years that we had not spoken. Eden later came to visit me and brought along the movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower”. And oh my goodness, that was such a good movie! I was impressed, and most of all it had a great ending, which is all that I can handle at this point without breaking down and sobbing other than horror films. But I truly recommend this movie to anyone, and I have no clue how I went so long without watching it!
After everyone left, my dad came with Squeeze In burgers for dinner, as I had never tried them before. I was not impressed because it had a lack of seasoning. But it was a nice and juicy burger so that pretty much made up for the taste (not that it was bad at all or anything!) So my dad and I watched one of my favorite fat people show, (other than The Biggest Loser) Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition. Now Chopped is on while I am writing this blog. I also accomplished to buy the bridesmaids their gifts: a necklace (which will remain undisclosed until the wedding) that will go perfectly with their dresses, so naturally I am proud of my online shopping skills. I also managed to get some gifts for my kitty Panda- a brush and two toys, and for my dogs Jocelin and Buffy, I got each of them a really cool chew toy that they hopefully won’t tear apart within minutes of me giving them to the dogs.
Also, I forgot to post this earlier, Eden approached me when everyone else was gone and asked me what was on my bucket list. So I had to scroll through my blog to find it, and Eden, bless her heart, said that whatever I was not going to be able to mark off of my list, that she would do it for me at one point. She truly is a great friend to have- we both support each other through our hard times.
I will leave on that good note and write again tomorrow!

Planning for My Wedding

Being married is a very important part of my bucket list and it will be fulfilled on July 6th.

So far, I have said “Yes” to my dress, it is gorgeous but I will keep the details a surprise until I make my debut. I tried on a total of six dresses in the Physical Therapy room of the hospital because it was big enough for my large array of people who wanted to accompany me to pick out my dress. With me I had: my mom, a family friend Cheryl, the two workers from David’s Bridal, my future mother-in-law Irina, and none other than Olympic Gold Swimmer Summer Sanders. A few of my nurses wandered in when they had time, such as Robyn and Katya, and even my Dr. Sonali watched me find my dream dress. The room was full of excitement beaming from everyone. It is not every day that one tries on wedding dresses in a pediatric hospital. When I tried on my last dress (which I chose for last because I thought it would be my favorite) I just knew it was “the one”. Once you find that dress, you do not want to try on any other dresses because you already know that you have found the dress you have been waiting for. I was even able to try on the six dresses with no oxygen, which really tired me out, but I felt accomplished to become detached from tubes for a while.

For my wedding we also have the cake under way, which I designed to be beachy- that is all the details that I will give out. The flowers have also been picked out, but I have not seen them as I have not left the hospital since I arrived a week ago. I did give my mom an idea of what I want for the flowers, but It will be a surprise for even me. We have decided on the catering, which will be some really tasty Mexican food. We have also made some centerpieces which look fantastic to me, a lot of the decorations are going to be home made because in my opinion they end up looking better than store bought decorations, and are more unique as well as less expensive. Yay for a little hard work!

A few hours after I had chosen my dream dress, David’s Bridal staff came back with a seamstress (someone who does alterations) to make my dress fit me like I had imagined it to. Considering that I am much bigger on the top than on the bottom, it is because I have gigantic swimmer shoulders and a teeny tiny, almost non-existent womanly waist. They also made it so that the top was more of a sweetheart neckline and that I had more of what I called a “booty pop”. I also got to try some headbands because I am not going to be wearing a veil, that is just not my style. I will be trying on some more at my second fitting tomorrow. Everything is moving so fast, I am impressed. It shows that all these people truly care about me and want to get my dream wedding done with such a short time limit of three weeks. 

My friend Meagan came and visited me again, just as she had the night before and we really got to bond some more, and we decided that on Friday and Saturday we (along with Susette) will figure out what songs are going to be played on my wedding night, other than the piano that my talented cousin Kristen will be performing for my ceremony.

I also found out that my swim team is having a little get together honoring me on June 28th, which is the day after I get out of the hospital. I am staying in the hospital until Thursday the 27th, and the bonfire get together was scheduled around when I could get out of the hospital, so I am very thankful for all of the people who are supporting me and loving me, and also comforting me through this adventure.

Remember, just because I am dying, doesn’t mean that I cannot live my life out to the fullest every day. I think of all the good things in life, I think of how much I love my parents, my teammates, my friends, my animals (mostly Panda), my grandparents, my other family, my teammates, my nurses and my doctors. I also think about how all of the people who I suggested above truly care about me and love me. It always fills my heart with joy when people say that they want to visit me in the hospital, especially since I am not offering out invitations to come out or asking anyone to come, it is more of just an open invitation that anyone at any time can come visit me from anywhere. I have gotten some beautiful flowers from my friend and ex-classmate Kristin Dong gave me the most beautiful flowers that I have ever seen from Vera Wang. (I did not even know that Vera Wang made flowers! Classy!) I also have various other flowers given from friends of family and the baby sitting coop from back in the day. I have been given a blanket from my future mother-in-law as well, and it is extremely soft. I received a cat hanging on a balloon stating “It’s a Boy!” because in the hospital they did not sell any balloons stating “Congrats on Getting Engaged!” which I thought it was so funny. The cat stuffed animal was chosen because it looks like my baby Panda, and I miss him so much. This was from the Melgoza family. I also have another stuffed animal from someone who’s name escapes me, but it is a cute chocolate lab.

Even though I am dying, I am not sitting in a cave being depressed. I am doing as many things as I can do from the hospital and being peppy and trying to talk to everyone and strike up nice conversations, because you never know if you might brighten up someone’s day. I live every day like it is my last, because last is right around the corner for me, but I stay positive, always. =]