wedding

My Day of Pampering!

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Today I was woken up, not by my mom, but by my butthead of a cat, Panda. He was in my room at about 9 in the morning and was jumping on my bed and playing with some cords that are hanging off of a metal drawer that my mom has set up for important documents in the corner of my room. He probably played in my room for thirty minutes before becoming bored and leaving. I then actually got up at around 10:30 and promptly sat on the couch due to my burning esophagus. I caught up on the latest episode of “Catfish”, and again, was not surprised when yet another person had been led on through the internet. Man, are they dense! 

DeAngela came over at around 11 and we kind of just sat around watching tv, including my favorite daytime tv shows, “The Chew” and of course, “The Jerry Springer Show”. Yeah, I am so not afraid to admit that I watch that show. It is full of trashy people and ratchets, and I must say that it makes me feel so much better about myself! I am embarrassed to say that I do compare myself to these people though. While sitting on the couch I got quite a few phone calls, so I was feeling pretty darn popular. I believe the first one was from my case manager, Shelly. We were talking about my issue with my esophagus. She immediately sent for a medication to be filled for me at my closest pharmacy to try to alleviate my pain. My mom then called and basically told me exactly what Shelly had literally said minutes before. Then I had a call from the owner of Mikuni’s. This surprised me, and we talked for a little bit and he said that he was forwarding my wish for sushi at my wedding to his marketing team, so I am hopeful that I will get top-notch sushi for my big day (okay, mine and Egor’s big day). I also got a call from my social worker, Troy, to kind of touch base with me for my hospice care. At 3:30, Dee left for what I thought was running errands. I would later find out that is was part of a sinister plan that was in the making (okay, not sinister, but I believe it brings in some suspense).

My mom came home at 4:10ish to take me to my spa day. When we got there, I was surprised to see quite a few familiar faces at the salon waiting for me with balloons, champagne, and tiaras. All in all, the people who were there were Kevin, DeAngela, Sydney, Eden, Rebecca, Ken, Susan, my mom, and then me! The salon name is EllaBlue, and I was astounded by the generosity of the owner, Julie. She offered any and every service for my mom and I, for free. I got a manicure and a pedicure, my eyebrows waxed for the first time (which did not hurt at all), my eyebrows tinted to be a little darker, had my makeup done (testing out for the wedding), and got a spray tan. We all had a fantastic time with food catered by the Habit burger and Noodles and Co. Yeah, I guess you could say I have been spoiled this week, but I guess it is my wedding week, so I am not expecting this treatment after, trust me on that! I was also given a fantastic gift from Eden and her family- toasting glasses! They are beautiful and are engraved with my and Egor’s name and our wedding date. Cute! It was a long day of pampering, we were there for pretty much 4 hours, so I am pooped! Oh, and did I mention that Jamie from EllaBlue has offered and arranged time for me on Friday to give me a facial and eyelash extensions? She is also doing my makeup for my wedding day, if you did not already pick up on that. What a great person (and her crew were pretty darn cool as well).

I got to have a little bit of a mom and I night tonight, as when we got home I pigged out on some leftover Panda Express and brownie pops, trying to gain just a little bit of weight back from what I lost from only being able to eat when my heartburn was not bad. (Oh, and my new medication works like a charm! Thank goodness, I finally have some relief!) We watched some tv and now she is in bed, and I am thinking that I should do the same!

Tomorrow is Fourth of July, and I am pretty excited for it! I will be spending it with my friends and family at my dad’s house. We have a pool there and are holding a party there, which we have been doing since I was little. It will be full of people who I have known for my whole life, and they will all be present at my wedding as well, so I will be seeing a lot of them! I am looking forward to tanning (with actual sun this time) and hitting the pool with my friends and family. 

So, until tomorrow, yours truly,

Lauren

P.S. My case manager let me know that I will be able to get future radiation treatments, so I guess there is a little hope left for me, you never know, I might get that miracle! If not, I plan on staying alive at least until I turn 21. Gotta hit that mark!

My Emotional Rollercoaster!

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Today I was woken up at about 11:45 because my mom called my cell phone, so I woke up to it blaring “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore. I have to admit, it is not the worst way to wake up, it could have been an ugly alarm sound but at least it was good music to pump me up in the morning. DeAngela was already in the house and was on the couch and answered the phone for me, then handed it to me, only for my mom to apologize for waking me up and that if I were going out anywhere, some of my medications need to be refilled (a suggestion that I should get my  meds refilled). 

Again, I was stricken by my heartburn-like symptoms, so I was not able to start on the buckets, unlike Dee. I got a phone call from Kaiser, at a number that I was unfamiliar with, as I have gotten a lot of calls from Kaiser and I normally recognize where they are calling from by the number. Turns out it was from the hospice department. She was saying that we were having an appointment at my house, that day, at 1:30. Um, what? I had no clue about any of this, so I was in shock to say the least, but I just went with it. I called my dad to let him know, and he said he would be over by 1:30 for the appointment. My mom also came home in time for the hospice worker to come over for a consultation. Naturally, being on hospice is never a good sign. I already know what is going to happen to me, but I try to not think about it at all and just bury it in the back of my mind. Having the lady there explaining about what hospice offers made my imminent death right front and center. As much as I want to stay positive and hope that everything will be okay in the end, I do not want to get that false hope in something that I have been guaranteed will happen. The hospice lady said that the best case scenario would be that I get kicked out in three months because I will no longer be terminally ill. I was given at most three months to live, however I plan on living longer than that. That is how I will stay hopeful- by living longer than I was told I would. Not getting cured, because that is an incredibly long shot, but just living long enough to fully accept what will happen to me. As much as I say that I have accepted the fact that I am going to die at a young age, I really haven’t thought about it too much. And I often say that I am more worried about how my friends and family are going to cope without me and deal with my loss; however I am scared to die. Straight up, I do not want to die. I feel like I have so much more to offer the world than I have in the past 20 years. If I had another 20, I believe that I could really contribute a lot to society. I have always wanted to start a family, as I know for a fact that I would be a good mom (if you see the way I treat my cat Panda then you would understand as well) and would raise a great child. I will not be able to accomplish that, but I will be able to be a good wife for the time that I have left. A great one, in fact. I have seen what it takes to have a successful relationship, what not to do and what to do, first-hand so I have learned so much from what I have seen. Whether it is from my friends’ relationships, my mother’s, and my friends of family’s relationships, I always take notice of the little things that make a great and lasting relationship. As much as this marriage won’t be lasting a very long time, it is taking into account the “through sickness and in health”, “for better or for worst”, “until death do us part.” I guess that is all that I can truly ask for in a marriage. So I will have to thank Egor for marrying me- I cannot thank him enough for making me his bride. It takes a lot of courage to jump into a marriage, especially one where you have not dated each other. At least we are best friends and always will be, this will make us even better best friends.

Oh, I guess I got a little off track. The hospice appointment is not exactly what I thought it was going to be like. Mostly just saying what they offered, such as 24/7 nurses available, volunteers available, etc. And some paper signing, mostly confirming that we understand what was offered to us. I started crying, because talking about me dying is an incredibly sensitive subject, so my parents were hugging me and supporting me while I was wailing. I absolutely hate crying in front of anyone and try not to at any cost, but I just had to let it go. Even the hospice lady cried for a second- somehow I think that they do not have as many cases of young people going into hospice, so this really touched her. After learning how to use my oxygen machine, the lady left.

My dad and DeAngela stayed to watch some tv about extreme couponers, whom we all agree on are hoarders and greedy little pigs. They need to not have this huge stockpile of food and supplies that will expire by the time they use them. They need to donate a lot of their items, otherwise it is such a waste, no matter if they spent any money on the items or not. Then we ended up watching River Monsters, which is much more interesting. Man, there are some crazy scary fish out there!!! 

Eventually everyone left and I sat on the couch watching another program on animal planet while waiting for Chopped to come on. My dad came back to watch that show with me, as we share the love of that show. Tuesday nights are Chopped nights with my dad.

Jeanne came over to go over the vows and other things, as she is going to be the officiant for my wedding. While she is nervous, she is so excited to be representing something so important in my wedding. 

Well, I am pretty darn tired right now, so I will stop writing right now! Goodnight, and I cannot wait for my wedding in a few days! Woohoo!

Your Soon-to-be-Bride,

Lauren =]

Decoration-Making Party!

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Today I woke up at about 1:30pm, which is absolutely crazy for me. I thought that my waking up a bit after 12 was bad, but this is a new late for me! I guess I should not be too surprised that I slept in that late as I did stay up until about 12 last night, but still! I guess my body really does need to recover from the radiation damage on my organs. When I woke up, DeAngela was already here and had quietly started working on the buckets. I joined her almost right away after I had woken up, and found out that she had barely just started putting sequins on the buckets, frantically trying to catch up to the amount of sequin work that I had done (we were working on different parts of the buckets). I worked on the buckets for a little while until my “heartburn” started really acting up, so then I vacated to the couch to try to let my esophagus calm down. By the time I got back to the projects, Dee had not only caught up to me, but exceeded what I had done with the buckets, so I was very pleased- I love a good race. Eden came over at about three today to help me with the buckets. Eden’s mom Rebecca also delivered to me some of the containers for the tropical juice that I had posted about in my last post. I was so happy! This means that I do not have to purchase my own juice dispensers and can use the money for whatever else is needed for the wedding, or for my long list of things I wish to accomplish before I leave this world. After Rebecca left Eden, DeAngela, and I to continue our work with the decorations, we found out that we were going to run out of sequins for the buckets before we could finish all 21 of them (we went through a lot of sequins). DeAngela’s sequin job (she was in charge of working with blueish sequins) ended early because she would not have enough to even finish another bucket. She then left so she could hang out with her family and run some other errands. Eden and I continued to work on our part of the buckets until we just about ran out of sequins as well. Dee promised to bring over more sequins tomorrow when she comes over so we can finish the project once and for all.

At about 5:30 I took my shower for the day. Yeah, I know later than usual, but I started the day pretty darn late, so I think that is a good enough excuse. We also had a bunch of babysitting coop ladies coming over to decorate 150 fans to make sure that my wedding guests do not get too hot, although it is supposed to cool down for my wedding weekend, yippee! And by the way, the fans look fantastic, pun intended. My mom provided the working ladies with Panda Express and some wine-coolers, what a better way to treat our guests? I think all that one needs to get people over to help out is an offer of food and beverages. I am not going to give up any secrets on how my fans look though, other than the fact that they look damn good and go with my beach theme very nicely.

Today I was greeted by a very awkward message from someone I went to high school with but was not close to. It kind of came out of nowhere, and I will be honest, I did not know what to expect at first. This person told me that they had done some research on cancer treatment and wanted to give me tips that might save me. (What? This person has no authority to give me tips or anything about cancer, at all.) They were suggesting that I would eat no foods with GMOs or extra chemicals (by the way, I had done a lot of research on GMOs for an essay in English, and there is absolutely no proof that they are bad for you at all). Then they added something about cannabis oil being said to cure it if it is injected (again, what?) as well as saying that hemp seeds hold a lot of different nutrition. Um, in my diet I get plenty of nutrition, and besides, antioxidants are terrible for people who already have cancer and are getting chemo, as chemo is an oxidant, which means it would completely counteract with the chemo. I just felt it was an ignorant statement and I was offended by it. My doctors are doing tons of research (and did I mention that I have four amazing oncologists?) to try to prolong my life. If there was a simple cure like a change in diet then naturally they would have told me about it right away. I trust my doctors with my life, and I know they are doing whatever they can to make me live as long as possible.

Sorry, I tend to rant a little when I get upset about these sorts of things. It’s like, do not talk cancer to me if you have no idea about anything to do with it. If you have not been diagnosed yourself with it or work with it on a daily basis, then you have no reason to be discussing treatment or tips for me. I will take tips from my fellow chemo buddies on what meds they take to make themselves less nauseous, and I have before and so appreciated it. Ok, I think I am done with this topic…

But the wedding is almost here! It is crazy, I am so excited and I know that it will be a wedding to remember. I still have a bit of work to do with the decorations, but it will not take too much more work to get them all done. On Wednesday I am going to get my nails done and get a facial, and whatever else the owner of EllaBlue wants to give me. Oh, and I will finally get my eyebrows waxed… I have not plucked them in way too long and they are driving me crazy, as I am very OCD about them looking nice. I will also be tanning out my awesome swim tanlines. I am pretty stoked about that.

Well, since I have a lot of work to do tomorrow, I am going to end this post now! Goodnight!

Yours truly,

Lauren

Getting Ready for the Wedding- My Turn for Physical Work!

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So yesterday I was not able to post because I was literally falling asleep at 9 while browsing on the internet. Clearly, the power of the radiation has made me a bit less of a night owl than I have been in the last month, which is a shame because I love writing my blogs at around 10 or 11 every night.

Yesterday I slept in until about 12, which is more than I have slept in for years, at least that I can think of, because I like waking up a bit earlier so as to not waste the day, even though most of the time I will spend the extra daytime to watch tv and surf the internet, but for some reason sleep seems like more of a waste of time- don’t ask, it is one of my weird quirks.

Anyways, I was lazy most of the day until about 2, when my mom came back from Shane Co. with the wedding band that I had chosen (as another company had messed up and shipped the wrong ring, which was gold rather than the white gold that I had ordered) and picked up the silverware and dinner plates for the wedding at probably four different Smart and Finals. You could say she probably took the whole stock of dining ware from each of the stores, which I find pretty darn funny. She also went to K-mart (I don’t remember why she did) and found a perfect pair of wedding shoes there for herself, which is amazing, because K-mart is not where you expect to find cute shoes.

When my mom got back from all of her errands, we went shopping for shoes for myself at DSW. I found the cutest sandals with lots of bling that are comfy enough to stand in all day. You could say that I fell in love with the shoes, and they will go fantastic with the dress- as my dress is the perfect length for sandals. 

After finding the perfect shoes, which took no time at all, we stopped by my favorite sushi restaurant to try to get them to cater for the wedding. Unfortunately, they open at 12 and I would need the sushi by 10. I was not pleased by this at all, because a lot of people are expecting sushi (including me) so I will have to ask a lot more sushi restaurants if they can cater at the early time, because it has been my dream to have sushi at my wedding, especially since it is a beach themed wedding. After the disappointing visit, my mom and I had a much more successful time at Michael’s, an arts and crafts store. I always love shopping at Michael’s because they have incredible finds that you would never expect to find. We found tons of great things to decorate the wedding favors and for the actual decorations for the  tables and other places. We found shells, cute and beachy stickers, sequins in many shapes and colors that go with the theme, and just other goodies that I will find good use for. After that, my mom and I headed towards the Hallmark store for toasting glasses but came up empty handed- the only things they had were literally hillbilly goblet-like champagne glasses, and those certainly were not going to work. Then we went next door to a Target to look for miscellaneous other goodies. We ended up getting a lot of soccer cones, which surprised me, because I had no idea what they could possibly be for. My mom later explained that it was for marking out certain parking spots for my grandparents, as my grandpa has a hard time getting around, so he will get a spot nice and close to the ceremony. We also bought some diet cat food for my kitty Panda, as he is no longer an outdoor cat. We bought some cute pinkish-coral buckets to hold the silverware that will be bundled in napkins to make setup for lunch at the wedding faster and easier. We also picked up some cold drinks at the register because the 100 plus degree weather was wearing us down was not too pleasant. As we were heading back to the car, I got a call from a number that I thought was my dad, reminding me to come over to call the bank so that my recent (and somewhat suspicious) purchases can be confirmed by me so that they do not freeze my account. However, when I answered “Hi Dad,” I was greeted with the voice of a woman. The woman’s name is Cricket, and I have known her for a very long time due to my swimming with her daughter since I was 12. I was shocked that she had called me and told me that her daughter, Courtney (whom I also swam with, but not as long) and some of her army friends (yes she is in the army as well) had raised some money to help me with the wedding. This really touched my heart, because I was not really close to Courtney, and her troop members cared enough about my situation that they would give their hard-earned money to someone that they did not know. Cricket told me that Courtney had read this blog and was moved by it, enough to raise money for me and my big day. After I got off of the phone with Cricket, my mom and I drove to my dad’s house- not only to clear up the suspicions of my spending, but also to let Cricket come by and give me the check. It was a brief visit at my dad’s house because I was utterly exhausted from just a few hours of shopping and I needed to lie down to recuperate my tired body. 

Now onto today’s activities! I slept in until about 11:30 today, despite going to bed by 9:30. My heartburn-like symptoms continued again with the start of the morning. I was also pretty nauseous, so thanks radiation for all of these nasty side effects, however the benefits of breathing far outweigh the negative side effects of discomfort/pain. I took some of my meds to try to make the pain more bearable, and they did the trick for the most part. I still was uncomfortable so I stayed on the couch until about 2:30, when I took a shower to get ready for my future mother-in-law’s visit (she had tried to call me but I was asleep, so at about 12 she called my mom asking to visit and to help out with the decorations, which was fantastic in my book). At around 3 Irina came and brought over some decorations of her own and some beautiful big shells that can be placed throughout the wedding if it will look good. I showed Irina what the collages are going to look like- there is one of just me, one of just Egor, and one of us together (which is my personal favorite, it is so cute!). I then showed her the wedding band that I had chosen for Egor, and she happily approved of it. Irina then had a surprise for me- a necklace made of three rings of pearls. They are beautiful, and i know it will go perfectly with my dress. My mom was a little jealous because she wanted me to wear her pearl necklace, but in the end I will choose which one looks best on me on my wedding day. 

About twenty minutes later, DeAngela came to help out with decorating 21 buckets for the 21 tables. The buckets are going to hold the silverware, which will be wrapped in napkins, so naturally they have to be decorated and nice and beachy. I have always felt that homemade decorations look much better than store-bought ones, especially when it comes to weddings. It creates more of a personal connection to the wedding, and even though it makes for a whole lot more time and effort spent on them, they are always worth making. I must say, I am pleased with the work that Irina, my mom, Dee, and I accomplished today. Tomorrow, with the help of Eden, we will be able to finish the buckets. We spent about two hours today working on them and are only completely finished with some components of the buckets, but with our group of three we will be able to finish them in probably another two hours, not too bad in my book.

After my mom and Irina finished their part of the buckets, I decided it was time for Dee and I to stop with ours, especially because my back was starting to hurt and I was already getting tired (again, thank you radiation). I vacated to the couch to get some rest for my back, as well as some rest in general. At this point, my dad came over so we could watch some Food Network, a show that we share together. Irina left so that she could make dinner, although we offered for her to stay and eat some enchiladas that Carl (my mom’s boyfriend) brought over from a friend. So it was my dad, mom, Mark (my brother), Dee, and I eating enchiladas and watching Iron Chef America. At 8, when the show was over, I politely texted Dee and asked her if I could just have some family time, and she obliged. Then my dad, Mark, and I watched a new Discovery Channel show titled Naked and Afraid. It was really weird; people have to survive in their birthday suits for three weeks off of the land, whether it is Costa Rica or in Africa. It is a new concept of the people not wearing any clothes whatsoever, I would need a pair of shoes, underwear, and a sports bra at the least in order to try to participate in that show. Also, the people lose about 25 lbs each, which is more than I can afford to lose. I am watching my second episode of it right now, and I have to say each person on it could lose a little bit of weight (although in a healthy way) and look and feel much better. However, losing it in just three weeks, it was a little scary. Oh, and I am the only one watching this episode about two people surviving on the African Serengeti, and I have to say it is much easier to write when I am by myself, all of my ideas just flow when I am alone. So the first part of my writing started at 8 when I was not alone because I wanted to actually write a blog today instead of falling asleep and leaving people possibly worried that something has happened to me, other than just being incredibly tired.

Well, now I am going to go to end this blog, tomorrow will be filled with more decorating and possibly me buying more sequins and beads and whatnot for the wedding, as well as two glass containers to disperse tropical fruit juice for the wedding, just to feed to the beach theme.

Home Sweet Home, At Last!

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After spending two weeks and one day in the hospital, I was finally set free. This was the longest time I have ever spent in a hospital, comparable to about 7 or 8 days spent during Thanksgiving of 2011. It was weird being in the hospital (which we sometimes call a hotel because of how long we stay in it and how we have fantastic room service of ice cream and otter pops given at request, as well as any other leftover goodies that are in the kitchen) for so long when I was not feeling super sick. The first week or so I was incredibly sick and had to be on oxygen and on a PCA machine (basically giving me a certain amount of strong pain killers every hour, which also had an on demand push button which delivered more of the medicine every ten minutes, if needed). After a while, I was weening off of the oxygen during the day and still had it during the night because my oxygen levels would drop just low enough to have the oxygen monitor go crazy and make tons of noise. Then, after about two days of being off of the oxygen during the day, I was able to go without it during the night without problem. That was one thing that I was incredibly proud of, because I had no intentions of walking down the aisle carting an oxygen tank behind me, mind you, I would have bedazzled the shit out of it if I were to have to need the extra air. I was able to stop using the PCA on demand button pretty quickly as my pain got under control with other pills, and soon after that they stopped giving me out the pain medicine (I think it was called delotted) at an hourly rate and just kept it to the push button, for a just in case I were to feel a lot of pain and I would be able to get a quick release from the pain. About two days before I got out of the hospital, we were able to take off my PCA pump entirely, which made it easier to be escorted to radiation by ambulance. I was incredibly happy by the amount of progress that I was making and was so ready to get out. And today, I finally did.

I was able to take my first actual shower in over two weeks in the hospital, and boy, did it feel nice! I loved the feeling of actually getting my whole body drenched with water instead of being washed down with these stupid clothes, which resembled ones that you wipe a baby’s butt with- except that they were warm. I did not take as long of a shower as I will do tomorrow, because I had to get some paperwork given to me and send DeAngela off to get my discharge medication. I was surprised with how quickly they were able to discharge me this time, because all of the other times I had to wait around and be impatient to get the discharge papers and to see the doctor. I actually ended up seeing two of my doctors, Dr. Jolly and Dr. Adams. Dr. Adams was the main doctor who took care of me during that week and I am assuming that Dr. Jolly was there to take over for the next week. I was a little disappointed that Dr. Adams, a quiet, soft spoken man would not be able to attend my wedding, because he really opened up to me and talked quite a lot with me in the hospital, which was really nice. Dr. Jolly, however, said that he would be able to attend my wedding and that made me very happy! Yeah, I know I see my doctors, nurses, and radiologists on a regular occasion, but that does not mean that I dread seeing them! They made my life while in the hospital or in the clinic or in radiation much better, and I appreciate that completely for being as nice and as real to me as they could. Oh, and most of them have very nice senses of humor too. I can always appreciate a good laugh, or even a little giggle.

As I was leaving, I asked one of my nurses to add me on Facebook so I could invite her to my wedding, as well as a few other nurses who I had spent a lot of time with, whether it was this year or two years ago, I will always remember who took good care of me. She complied and I am now about to invite the nurses to my wedding as well. 

In the clinic, Tamara and Shelly made a flyer for my wedding, inviting only people who knew me, and added that I wish to be the only one wearing a white dress and also the only one in a floor-length dress. I thought this was really sweet, because I love my clinic nurses as well, and have spent a lot of time with them. I wrote down the details to the wedding and gave them to my radiologist Denise and asked her to spread it around for the whole radiology team so that they knew that they were invited and so they would have the information to be able to get to the wedding.

I also gave my blog information out to all of the nurses, and they have it in their break office so that they will have access to reading it- and hopefully spreading it around because I want to touch as many people as I possibly can. I also wrote down the address to my blog and gave it to the radiology team so that they could read what I write about as well, and sort of get an idea of what an impact they make on me.

Ok, so back to me getting out of the hospital, I can get a little off topic when I find something I feel a lot of passion about and just have the urge to write about it. So Dee and I took a wagon downstairs with all of my stuff that was leftover from my mom and dad taking trips home with certain items so I was not left with a room full of flowers and other such things to have to lug to the car. I have to say, after being mostly bedridden for 15 days, my legs are still not used to walking. It feels a little funky, like I have to learn how to walk again. I am not bad at walking, maybe a little clumsy, but I have not fallen, despite having a wristband that reads “FALL RISK” in all capitals. I am so glad for the exercise though, after laying down and sitting for over two weeks, it was nice to walk out to the car, not only once, but twice to return the wagon. And turns out that I had forgotten to take a PCA pump home. This confused me, because I am not attached to anything, but I had signed for it so technically it is mine. So I guess it is a just in case thing, as well as the oxygen tubes that I have in my garage.

Dee drove me to radiation (finally not having to be escorted by ambulance, I felt so free) and all of the radiologists were so excited to see me and were happy that I was done with my radiation after today, not that they were happy to get rid of me or anything. I gave hugs to all of my radiologists, including Dan,    Ben, Denise, and some other lady whom I had never seen before. Geoff wasn’t there so I was a little sad that I unable to say goodbye to him. But I will be seeing most of the radiologists at the wedding, and I am so happy that they will see me all dressed up in all white.

After radiation, we stopped by Tapioca Express, a favorite food place of mine because I was incredibly hungry. Dee dropped me off at home, as well as helped me unpack the car, and left because I told her I wanted some alone time, which I believe is understandable because I never really had any true alone time in the hospital, and I was in dire need of it. Oh, and I wanted to spend my alone time with my kitty Panda, but I don’t really think that counts against my alone time. I found Panda upstairs under my mom’s bed and he immediately came out to come see me- I knew he missed me. We ended up chilling downstairs while I attempted to eat my Tapioca Express food- chicken bites, fried zucchini, and curly fries, but I either have really, really bad heartburn or something with the radiation is making my throat hurt whenever I swallow something. I am leaning towards the damage of radiation, as I was told it could be a side effect. So I just ate my french fries and part of my boba drink (large mocha snowbubble with no tapioca to be precise) and decided that I could not put my throat through any more suffering for the moment. I picked up Panda and took about a three hour nap with him, until I had to wake up and go to the bathroom, in which he promptly took off to go play while I went back to bed alone for another 4-5 hours. Yeah, I was incredibly tired. You just do not get the same amount of sleep in the hospital as you do at home, because in the hospital you have to be monitored every four hours, which meant a blood pressure test, oxygen rate test, and a taking of my temperature. Not to mention waking up to take certain meds to be sure that all my pain would be covered. Then having breakfast come in at 8 in the morning, and again about half an hour later to pick up the menu and your choices of food for the next day. Yeah, not the same as being able to sleep in for as long as I wish and not getting woken up several times at night by a flashlight or a noisy nurse (luckily I did not have too many of them).

I woke up at around 8pm tonight and was in a great amount of pain because I was off my schedule for pain pills. So we quickly corrected that, and within thirty minutes I was feeling much better. I also had some late night visitors, who came at around 9. They were my old buddies from high school, who, while we might have lost touch with after graduation, we never had a falling out, so I was happy to have them take the time to visit me. Keith, one of my friends from kindergarten and from wrestling team, Alex, one of my friends who I met through wrestling my sophomore year, and Michael, who I met in 8th grade through wrestling and hung out with through mutual friends, all came over to see me. I was expecting (and at first demanded) a short visit, but I was feeling pretty darn good after my pain meds kicked in, that we talked for about two hours. It was so nice catching up with the good people who I had hung out with in high school, particularly my senior year. We joked around a lot just like old times, played with Instagram and looked at people who were thirsty for likes (aka attention from the opposite sex) and just talked about what we had done with our year. We also talked about different experiences that we had in college, as well as discussing who we all hang out with, where each other goes to college, and just reminiscing about the old days- not that any of us want to go back to high school. We are all so thankful to be in college and to have moved on from that point in life, and to being more mature than we were back in the days of high school. I truly relished their visit, not to mention I was given a funny card from them and the movie Sinister, and although I have already seen it, it is a scary movie that I will end up watching again, so thanks guys! They ended up leaving at 11 when Michael realized that he had to feed his dogs. Whoops!

When I first got home, I was also greeted with a lot of cards. Cards that congratulated myself and Egor on getting married. These cards were from people who I did not know, but all I do know is that they had to explain who they were on my mother’s side of the family. I don’t believe that I had met any of them, but it was incredibly sweet of them to reach out to me even though they do not know me either. Some of the cards were so cute! Although most of the messages that were left were of them explaining how they are related to me, they were still thoughtful. I also got a gift from my mom’s cousin (I think) Laura, whom I am friends with on Facebook. She gave me two hand-stitched hats because she thought I was going to lose my hair with this cancer- thank goodness that it hasn’t, but it was so nice of her to think of that. One is completely silly but so creative and cool, it has a dolphin in it and has some of the prettiest blues and greens in it. So since I will be in no need of these, I am going to donate them to the clinic where someone can actually enjoy the use of them and to cover their little bald heads. I think that is the best place for them.

So now my house is littered with balloons and flowers and blankets given to me, but I am just so glad to be home, and looking at all of these things make me really realize how loved I am, it really touches my heart.

I am unsure if I will be able to write another blog tomorrow night (if so it will probably be pretty late) as my college swim team has organized a weenie roast with a special guest (meaning me) so I have to make an appearance, not that you would have to give me any reason to go, because I love my swim team and I am excited to see them again! I will not be driving because I will be tired, so Dee will drive Mark (my brother) and I up there and we will all hang out with my swim team- they are very welcoming and generous people, so I know they will love DeAngela.

So goodnight, it is pretty late and I could use some more sleep with my kitty Panda! And I am so glad to be home at last!

My Day Full of Insecurities

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As the wedding date has gotten closer and closer, I have been getting a little anxious about it. No, I am most certainly getting cold feet. I am so excited for the wedding that I am getting a little anxious about it. When I get anxious my insecurities end up getting the best of me. DeAngela, Eden, and Egor all got to see that today. What has been on my mind is “Am I good enough for him?” and “Is he excited to be marrying me?”
I think these are my old insecurities coming back to haunt me back from high school. I have kind of grown into my face since my high school years, but here are some things that I hated about myself back then: my lack of boobs, my flat butt, my very toned stomach, my all-over acne (this included my face, back, and chest), my larger nose, and most importantly that I had a very red tone to my face. I was embarrassed to try to flirt with guys because in the back of my mind I would be focusing on all of my flaws when I should have been thinking about all of the good things about myself such as my bright, blue eyes, infectious laugh, and my bright white smile.
It is kind of weird for me to think of myself being stuck-up on the comments said about me during the past, but it still hurts. I always will remember the words an ex told me, “You look like a pink monkey.” Yeah, I was totally embarrassed.
But what I should be thinking about all that I have to offer now: intelligence, my ability to handle sarcasm and give it right back, my ability to cook, that I get along with a lot of people, that I am a genuinely nice person, that I have not made any major life mistakes, my hair is finally growing back, my cute freckles, the fact that I finally got the boobs and butt that I had always wanted. In fact, I have a bigger rack than most of the swimmers (considering that swimmers are not supposed to have any drag in the front, aka swimmers boobs) but I have smaller hips than most do, I have little baby hips that I never noticed until Katie and Shaila noticed when we were trying on our fastskin suits. Then it finally made sense to them why I was able to fit into a size 26 suit rather than a 32.
I am lucky that my friends put up with my insecurities during this time- and most of the time I am a very confident person, I think it is just that the wedding is coming quickly and I always have to make sure everyone is happy, so on top of that list I have to make sure that my fiance is number one on that list. I want to make sure that he is fine (well more than fine, happy) to be marrying me and all that comes with me, although I am a low maintenance girl. I always feel like I am responsible for the feelings of others, and Egor is no different. I want to make sure that he is truly content with marrying me. He has, of course, reassured me that he is excited for the wedding and for marrying me. I also don’t think that the whole me being terminal has quite gotten to him because he does not really like it when I say things like “I will leave behind a legacy” and stuff about my timeline. I totally get it, I am probably still in denial of my imminent death, and so are a lot of people. And I think that is ok, because I feel that ignorance is sweet, sweet, bliss.
Ok, so more about my day! Well last night my brother, mom, and I got the pleasure to see Kyle, one of the nurses assistants and hang out with him for like an hour talking about creepy guys, code words, and other things all while watching The Bachelorette. Kyle is a nice and innocent guy who is fun to talk to because he and I share the same sort of humor.
So my radiation trip was very normal and non-stressful considering how bad the last day had been. The weather was humid but raining, however I am not a fan of rain but I loved the humidity because the temperature is perfect! When I got back from radiation I was pleased with meeting a new chemo buddy named Ashleigh. She had just graduated high school and has/had osteosarcoma, which is one hell of a scary disease. Anything with the base “osteo” is never a good diagnosis (as you can probably tell with my “luck” of Ewings sarcoma visiting me twice. Anyways, Ashleigh is a very nice girl who happened to look very good bald, so she was one of the lucky few who does not have a misshapen head. Plus her head was not full of tons of big moles, unlike myself when I was a little baldy. Then my buddy from kindergarten all the way through middle school (he moved to a rival school our sophomore year) Drake came by for a visit. It was so nice seeing him, and it felt like no time had passed between all of the years that we had not spoken. Eden later came to visit me and brought along the movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower”. And oh my goodness, that was such a good movie! I was impressed, and most of all it had a great ending, which is all that I can handle at this point without breaking down and sobbing other than horror films. But I truly recommend this movie to anyone, and I have no clue how I went so long without watching it!
After everyone left, my dad came with Squeeze In burgers for dinner, as I had never tried them before. I was not impressed because it had a lack of seasoning. But it was a nice and juicy burger so that pretty much made up for the taste (not that it was bad at all or anything!) So my dad and I watched one of my favorite fat people show, (other than The Biggest Loser) Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition. Now Chopped is on while I am writing this blog. I also accomplished to buy the bridesmaids their gifts: a necklace (which will remain undisclosed until the wedding) that will go perfectly with their dresses, so naturally I am proud of my online shopping skills. I also managed to get some gifts for my kitty Panda- a brush and two toys, and for my dogs Jocelin and Buffy, I got each of them a really cool chew toy that they hopefully won’t tear apart within minutes of me giving them to the dogs.
Also, I forgot to post this earlier, Eden approached me when everyone else was gone and asked me what was on my bucket list. So I had to scroll through my blog to find it, and Eden, bless her heart, said that whatever I was not going to be able to mark off of my list, that she would do it for me at one point. She truly is a great friend to have- we both support each other through our hard times.
I will leave on that good note and write again tomorrow!

Lazy Yet Productive Day

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I finally got to sleep in today! Thank goodness for not having radiation, I slept in until 10 and did not even manage to eat my breakfast. Luckily I had some leftovers from Olive Garden, which I sent my mom out to get me the night before, so I had some nice cheesy pasta to brighten up and start my day.

I had quite a few guests today, but for the first time I had some early guests. At near 11 Jeanne, Dianne, and Aly from the babysitting coop came by to offer their services and to say some words of support for me as well. I have known them for pretty much my entire life and they are a part of a pretty darn huge extended family.We all figured out that we are going to have a decoration and party favor making party a few days after I get home. Basically a lot of the babysitting coop will be over at my house (because we have enough room, although my cat will not be too pleased) to make a tons of crafts to make my wedding have a nice homemade touch, so it does not have the cookie cutter wedding effect. I am more than prepared to try extremely hard to make this wedding work and be perfect for me.

Egor’s (my fiance) mom Irina came by today to check up on me as well as help plan out the wedding with my mom, although Irina confessed that she has absolutely no experience in planning a wedding. Neither am I so that is not considered a bad thing whatsoever. I am actually enjoying planning this wedding. I know how to navigate the computer very well, and with the help of Pinterest it is becoming an easier and easier task. I can find literally anything I want to on the internet, but that does have its challenges because there are so many things to choose from that I get confused and have to choose between two awesome items or designs when I really want both. Yeah, that is a true First World Problem. But it has also made it possible for me to shop without leaving the hospital, because lets be honest, the wedding would not be as far without Pinterest and looking up ideas and dresses online.

At around 3:15, Eden and her mom Rebecca came by to spoil me with mashed potatoes and homemade friend chicken. Yum. As much as I was not hungry, I still wanted to eat more but would not risk having an upset stomach. Irina also brought some Russian food, made with lentils, turkey meat, zucchini, and other yummy items which we used as gravy for Eden’s mashed potatoes.

We all sat around and joked about funny stories for quite a while, then my mom and Irina started to find some poems and vows for the wedding. They were actually pretty darn successful if you were to ask me. I had totally forgotten about the vows and traditions for the ceremony and luckily my mom was on top of that!

Within thirty minutes of everyone arriving I had some surprise guests! Kevin (my bridesman and best friend since about 1st grade) and his brother Ryan (whom I have known since he was running around in diapers) decided to come visit me without telling me. This was a pleasant surprise as I have not seen them in quite a while, too bad I was extremely tired from all of the planning that I have been doing and from the radiation. At 5:30 I ordered to have Ativan from my nurse Robyn because I was getting tired and kind of nauseous, so this would allow me to fall asleep and take a nap. Right as I was getting the medicine, Irina, Eden, Rebecca, and my mom left to go back home. Kevin, Ryan, and my dad stayed behind while I napped because we are so comfortable around each other and do not feel the need to always entertain them. Eventually my dad kicked them out so I could continue to sleep without disturbance.

Since then, I woke up and am currently watching The Next Food Network Star, as I cannot get enough of food shows! Robyn came into my room today wearing a blonde mustache, so my dad and I immediately starting cracking up. This is the sort of thing that I love about staying in this hospital- everyone is so comfortable with each other and know how to have fun. Robyn even gave me a handful of mustaches to wear with my friends, nothing could be more perfect for our personalities!

Well, now I am going to get off and eat a huge cupcake before I go to bed!

Today I Feel… Bridal

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I was originally going to post this last night, and I had written what I believe to have been an amazing post- but the internet here in the hospital is kind of shoddy and did not save any drafts whatsoever and when I went to submit my post, it could not be posted because there was still no internet. I was very upset at the time and am still not too happy about having to remember what I had written yesterday and rewrite it again. So, here it goes!
With my last post being about surprises, it took me about 5 hours to write that one blog, and here is why: I started it at 11 at night after being put on all of my night pills and infusions which make me incredibly tired- but I felt compelled to write an incredibly long post because I had a lot to tell. Anyways, I kept on falling asleep and waking back up (all the lights were still on) whenever my night nurse would come in to check my vital signs or do whatever else it is they have to do at night. So I would wake up, write quite a few more lines down, and then fall back asleep. This continued until about 4 in the morning until I decided to finally buckle down and finish it once and for all. Then I finally got to go to sleep and hoped that I would get enough rest for my busy day to come.

When I woke up I was incredibly tired. I had to be up and ready by 11am in order to be picked up by the ambulance to travel 30 minutes to my radiation team. I woke up at about 9, which seems to be enough time to get ready and go, but I got very distracted when I had to check my Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and FML like I do every single morning as part of my routine. I also had to eat some breakfast, and I eat incredibly slow now in the hospital just to make sure that I do not get sick off of inhaling something in the wrong pipe. Then came time to take my shower. Now, this is no ordinary shower that most people have probably have had the privilege to experience it. I basically have to wash my hair in the sink and then use these warm, wet wipes to “wash” down my body. I have to say that nothing can beat a shower at home.

So when 11am came, I was greeted by my EMTs for the day and I was incredibly relieved that they were not the same EMTs that I had for the last two days. They had been really impersonal and preferred to  talk to each other rather than the women they had to transport (DeAngela has ridden with me to my radiation appointments every day without fail). The undesirable EMTs also decided that it would be fun to run over a center divide right before going to the radiation center to save time and hopefully get there on time, although I do not understand the logistics of it, and we were even early for the appointment so the whole ruse was for nothing. Also, they know that they are dealing with a terminally ill patient who has quite a bit of pain, enough so I have a pain pump. Not to mention that having radiation on my organs makes me more nauseous, so what they did was entirely insensitive. They even requested me for a second day and I had no clue that I would be stuck with them again, so needless to say I wasn’t pleased. But I was so relieved when I got my new EMTs (who had apparently taken me on last Friday or Monday). They were much nicer and we could talk a lot with them.

Radiation went smoothly as usual, and I absolutely adore my radiologists, although I think I already said that… I had to take some xrays too of where they were radiating and my radiologist Ben was able to roughly sketch where I was getting my radiation- seems to be mostly a lot of my left lung and heart.

When I came back to the hospital after radiation I was just plain pooped. I could not even take a nap because I had a lot of my best friends coming over to hang out and watch movies. The people who came to visit were: Susette (my best friend as well as one of my bridesmaids), Eden (my ex-chemo buddy and also a bridesmaid), DeAngela (my best friend as well as my maid of honor), Nicole (an ex-teammate from the Gators and whom I competed against in college swim), Morgan and Stephanie McKibben (members of the babysitting coop whom I have known for many years). Susette and DeAngela (as well as my dad) stayed and watched movies with me, which included the scary movie Mama. I am a scary movie junkie, so I have watched most of the classic scary movies that everyone has seen and I have seen more of the very crappy/ almost funny because they are so bad. So naturally I was excited when it came to watching Mama. At one point, DeAngela got so scared and startled that she jumped up and screamed really loudly and scared my nurse, Robyn, who was in my room at the time. Robyn also screamed and jumped, so I was surprised that she did not drop any of the items that she had been carrying. My dad, Susette, and I all laughed so hard that I think we were crying. It was just the funniest thing to me.

Then Susette had to leave and a little while later DeAngela’s wrestling teammate from Kentucky (who just happens to live nearby here in Sac) came by and watched the rest of Mama with us and hung out a while after it had finished. Grant is funny and is not awkward around me or my dad- and my dad can be pretty intimidating with my dad’s different, but amazing sense of humor.

Speaking of my dad, he has been awesome through this whole process. He loves to hang out with me whether it is just walking around the park, swimming, or watching tv- which is normally what we do. We share the love of food and swimming and can be found constantly watching Food Network and the Discovery Channel. He always knows how to make me smile and how to encourage me through my hard times, but then he also knows how to bring me back down to earth and tells me things realistically. That is one thing I am very thankful about, he does not have to sugarcoat things so I know that whatever he is telling me is the truth. I love my dad.

Oh, and why was I feeling so bridal? I had on a white tank top with silver jewels on it that spelled out “Bride” given to me by my cousin. It is a pretty awesome shirt, and I felt very bridal wearing it.

So yesterday was a very good day, and I will probably post later tonight with more news.

Full of Surprises

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My day was full of surprises- both the bad and the good surprises.

This morning, Summer Sanders blessed me with her appearance and gave me what my heart had desired: a breakfast sandwich with eggs, sausage, and cheese. You bet it was an amazing sandwich. She then said goodbye as she was going to take her daughter to horse back riding lessons- which is so cool and fun in my book!

After Summer left, I was barraged by basically my whole dad’s side of the family. Ok not barraged, and not everyone was there, but it was a surprisingly big group of people. My grandma Joyce, grandpa Gene, aunt Susan, cousin Anna, and cousin Kristen. They all wished to see how I was doing, since it is hard for them all to get out together considering the age of my grandparents. They are also coming from 1 1/2 hours away, and that can be tough on anyone’s body, nevertheless they are 86 years of age.

My family (plus DeAngela) talked for about half an hour before I had to be whisked away on a gurney to get me on an ambulance so I could get radiation. Seems like a lot of hassle just to go from on place to another? It totally is. However, since I am in the hospital’s care, I cannot simply drive myself to get radiation. I was so not impressed by the EMTs taking care of me. I had them two days in a row and I was dreading it. They were boring and hardly even talked to me or my best friend, as they would rather chat in their own company. The ambulance ride is about 40 minutes, and that is a boring amount of time when you do not have anything to do in the very bouncy ambulance, especially when the ambulance driver loves to ride over curbs to get to places earlier. Yeah, did not sit well with my stomach that gets upset over radiation to begin with.

Luckily, I love my radiologists and they always manage to make me feel light and happy with all of their jokey mannerisms. They do not have the fake happiness and friendliness about them, they are truly enjoyable to be around. I am willing to take the extra drive just to hang out with this group of people for the ten minutes it takes to get irradiated.

After I am back I was completely exhausted, I took 1 mg Ativan to ease my stomach and also make me feel sleepy so I could relax for a while. My family was still there when I came back, but I explained that I was just pooped and not feeling good,so they left about 10 minutes after I came back from radiation.

Oh, I forgot to mention that my aunt brought me a wedding ring that she had as a spare just laying around the house. Also, the ring is in my perfect size of 5.5, has a cute kind of big diamond on top, and it is gold- the same color that my fiance will be getting me. I also chose the band for Egor as well. If you asked me or my mom, it is perfect. I still remember the style of ring he liked from at least one year ago from a casual conversation we had.

I had some friends from high school come visit me as well. Tyler, Troy, Casey, and then Sean came. We got to reminisce about who we were in high school and also had to do our usual gossip where we touched on the subject of an old “best friend” of mine who did not exactly prove himself to be a friend at all when I was diagnosed the first time. Now that I have been given a death sentence, he wants to be a part of my support system and be a friend if mine. This offended me to no end, because there was no way in hell that I was going to let him back in my life after all of the things he put me through in high school when we were friends (which, when looking back, was not a smart move on my part to begin with) so there was no chance for him ever seeing me again, I refuse to deal with the amount of drama that just seems to follow him like a stench that just won’t go away,

Anyways, after my high school friends left, I was left talking to my aunt on my mother’s side of the family. I have been increasingly emotional, which I suppose is normal considering my condition. It is weird for me because I like to keep my feelings locked down, deep down in order to keep people from seeing me cry. In fact, my sob looks better than my regular cry.

Anyways, back to the conversation I was having with my aunt Cathy. Somehow we got on the subject of love. It was brought up that I have in fact never been in love, even though it was something I want so dearly. I want to be in love so badly. I have loved people before and do love people, but I need to add some romance to it. I love Egor, my fiance, but I am not in love with him. I desperately wish that I will fall in love with him and that he accepts that. I have not talked to him about it so I am a little scared. We have agreed to snuggling, the kiss during the wedding ceremony, and holding hands.I do want more than that but I have to respect his wishes, and he was the one who said yes to marrying me. Literally seconds after I found out that I had six months to live (at the time, since then i have been given less time to roam the earth, and yet here I am staying up super late to write this blog entry) so I was so overcome with emotions that DeAngela had to make some calls for me, including to my mother and father, grandparents on both sides of the family, and then of course, Egor was contacted. DeAngela had the pleasure of asking if Egor would marry me, given the circumstances that I would not live very much longer, so Egor, naturally, being the man that he is, said “of course.” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is how we got engaged. Not the most exciting story to some, but for me, I was thinking that I was taking off the most important item from my bucket list- getting married. To me, it was also so brave of Egor to take on the role of being my husband- especially knowing that I would not be around for much longer. It is so much more than your average best friend kind of thing, it will be the best day of my life, hands down,

I would write more and could, but I keep falling asleep at the keyboard. So goodnight!

Planning for My Wedding

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Being married is a very important part of my bucket list and it will be fulfilled on July 6th.

So far, I have said “Yes” to my dress, it is gorgeous but I will keep the details a surprise until I make my debut. I tried on a total of six dresses in the Physical Therapy room of the hospital because it was big enough for my large array of people who wanted to accompany me to pick out my dress. With me I had: my mom, a family friend Cheryl, the two workers from David’s Bridal, my future mother-in-law Irina, and none other than Olympic Gold Swimmer Summer Sanders. A few of my nurses wandered in when they had time, such as Robyn and Katya, and even my Dr. Sonali watched me find my dream dress. The room was full of excitement beaming from everyone. It is not every day that one tries on wedding dresses in a pediatric hospital. When I tried on my last dress (which I chose for last because I thought it would be my favorite) I just knew it was “the one”. Once you find that dress, you do not want to try on any other dresses because you already know that you have found the dress you have been waiting for. I was even able to try on the six dresses with no oxygen, which really tired me out, but I felt accomplished to become detached from tubes for a while.

For my wedding we also have the cake under way, which I designed to be beachy- that is all the details that I will give out. The flowers have also been picked out, but I have not seen them as I have not left the hospital since I arrived a week ago. I did give my mom an idea of what I want for the flowers, but It will be a surprise for even me. We have decided on the catering, which will be some really tasty Mexican food. We have also made some centerpieces which look fantastic to me, a lot of the decorations are going to be home made because in my opinion they end up looking better than store bought decorations, and are more unique as well as less expensive. Yay for a little hard work!

A few hours after I had chosen my dream dress, David’s Bridal staff came back with a seamstress (someone who does alterations) to make my dress fit me like I had imagined it to. Considering that I am much bigger on the top than on the bottom, it is because I have gigantic swimmer shoulders and a teeny tiny, almost non-existent womanly waist. They also made it so that the top was more of a sweetheart neckline and that I had more of what I called a “booty pop”. I also got to try some headbands because I am not going to be wearing a veil, that is just not my style. I will be trying on some more at my second fitting tomorrow. Everything is moving so fast, I am impressed. It shows that all these people truly care about me and want to get my dream wedding done with such a short time limit of three weeks. 

My friend Meagan came and visited me again, just as she had the night before and we really got to bond some more, and we decided that on Friday and Saturday we (along with Susette) will figure out what songs are going to be played on my wedding night, other than the piano that my talented cousin Kristen will be performing for my ceremony.

I also found out that my swim team is having a little get together honoring me on June 28th, which is the day after I get out of the hospital. I am staying in the hospital until Thursday the 27th, and the bonfire get together was scheduled around when I could get out of the hospital, so I am very thankful for all of the people who are supporting me and loving me, and also comforting me through this adventure.

Remember, just because I am dying, doesn’t mean that I cannot live my life out to the fullest every day. I think of all the good things in life, I think of how much I love my parents, my teammates, my friends, my animals (mostly Panda), my grandparents, my other family, my teammates, my nurses and my doctors. I also think about how all of the people who I suggested above truly care about me and love me. It always fills my heart with joy when people say that they want to visit me in the hospital, especially since I am not offering out invitations to come out or asking anyone to come, it is more of just an open invitation that anyone at any time can come visit me from anywhere. I have gotten some beautiful flowers from my friend and ex-classmate Kristin Dong gave me the most beautiful flowers that I have ever seen from Vera Wang. (I did not even know that Vera Wang made flowers! Classy!) I also have various other flowers given from friends of family and the baby sitting coop from back in the day. I have been given a blanket from my future mother-in-law as well, and it is extremely soft. I received a cat hanging on a balloon stating “It’s a Boy!” because in the hospital they did not sell any balloons stating “Congrats on Getting Engaged!” which I thought it was so funny. The cat stuffed animal was chosen because it looks like my baby Panda, and I miss him so much. This was from the Melgoza family. I also have another stuffed animal from someone who’s name escapes me, but it is a cute chocolate lab.

Even though I am dying, I am not sitting in a cave being depressed. I am doing as many things as I can do from the hospital and being peppy and trying to talk to everyone and strike up nice conversations, because you never know if you might brighten up someone’s day. I live every day like it is my last, because last is right around the corner for me, but I stay positive, always. =]