terminal

As Summer is Winding Down…

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So in case some of you were wondering why it has taken me a while to post another blog, I was not feeling well at all due to radiation- yes, radiation again. This time it was about my throat being raw and burnt over and over again through my 10 rounds of radiation. Literally swallowing my own spit was excruciatingly painful, so imagine how bad drinking anything, taking pills, and eating felt. It was miserable. I was prescribed some “Magic Mouthwash” to numb my mouth and throat, however it literally lasted two minutes and was not a very good relief for me at all, I still was hardly eating and drinking, and pills were so painful. I had to admit to my case manager at Kaiser that the medicine was not working at all and literally an hour later, she came back from a meeting and called me telling me that one of my oncologists put in an order for liquid morphine, and that it would be ready to pick up. Much to my relief, the liquid morphine worked pretty much right away. My parents could tell that I was feeling so much better and that I was happy to be able to eat mushy food, such as mashed potatoes, with more ease and less pain than I was in previously. 

Last Sunday, one of my friends offered to get me a photoshoot to help me with my bucket list. Danielle King, my friend, is also a model so she had no problem finding people willing to take a part of my journey.  Shelly Charshaf Lange,Gabriela Michanie, Laurie Hunt Theriault, Robin Hagy and Jennifer DuVoe were my photographers and Melissa Vandemark did my makeup. I have to say, I had so much fun getting all dolled up for the photoshoot, as the only other time I had a real photoshoot was at my wedding. I modeled in three different outfits, my first being an animal print nightgown. I felt so pretty in it, and took some amazing pictures on an outside bed (yes, it was pretty epic and I was jealous of the backyard where we were shooting) and on a couch that was outside. Oh, and did I mention that DeAngela came with me and also got to do some modeling with me for best friend pictures? Yeah, that made it even more fun! My second outfit was a maxi dress, which fit me really well. I took some pictures on stairs, on a cute swing, and standing with DeAngela. My favorite part of the shoot by far was being in the pool modeling. Naturally, being a swimmer, I feel the most comfortable in the water. I also feel confident in the water and I know how my body moves in the water and how to manipulate it well. What made the shoot unique was that I was in the pool working with a sheer netting that looked gorgeous in the water. It was such a boost of confidence seeing my pictures!

Oh, and I guess I got a little ahead of myself. On the Saturday (not this weekend, but last weekend), I went floating with my friend Micaela from my Roots of Hell class at DVC. It was really ironic that she would be spending quite a bit of time in Sacramento when we both were going to school in the Concord area. I was originally going to meet up with one of my friends, Jacob, from my high school swim team, but I did not communicate with him that I would be making it to his 22nd birthday celebration on the river. I got to the raft rental place and met up with Micaela, and could not find my friends anywhere, so we were going to rent a raft ourselves and float anyways. What we were not prepared for was the price of renting a raft. It was $60 for a 4-person raft, along with a $100 deposit for the raft. Now, we were not going to pay that much to rent a raft for just two people, not to mention that we would not be able to carry it all the way down to the river. We were wandering around the start of the river for a good thirty minutes trying to figure out what to do. And I am sure that you readers know I have a sense of adventure, due to my multiple lectures about my jumping off the patio stunt, so it should come to no surprise to you that I jumped off of a 20 foot bridge into the river. Yeah, I am pretty savage. I only had a little trouble with the current because I had flip flops still on and had to get them with my hands to swim well. A little while after, I was a little more dry and still in my bikini, I decided that we just had to ask to get a ride with someone on their rafts. Micaela was a little too shy to do the asking, so I proposed that we ask this one group that looked like they had plenty of rafts and could fit two petite girls. Micaela was unsure because the guys were “hot” (and I would agree, quite a few of them were pretty attractive) but I asked them anyways. The guys said it was not up to them, but to another guy, so I had to wait about a minute until the guy came around, and I asked him, and of course he said yes. I mean, Micaela and I are cute with lean bodies, so I figured they wouldn’t mind us riding with them. There were literally 9 guys in the group with just us two girls. I was not intimidated at all because I can always get to chatting no problem, the hardest part for me is first approaching someone. Turns out that some of the guys graduated the same class as I did, but from different schools in Sacramento, and some of the guys had already finished college, so they were in the perfect, college-aged group for us to find. We floated with them for literally 5 hours. I only got annoyed with one of the guys, and he was pretty much white-boy-wasted. He was hitting on Micaela and I a little bit too much, constantly splashing and shooting water at us. Not to mention, he did not know when to quit playing around. Maybe I would have been a little more tolerant of his behavior if he would have been attractive, but unfortunately for him, he was the oddball out of the good-looking group. But at least he was harmless! We had a stereo blasting music all of the way, until the guy I mentioned splashed it with water repeatedly while trying to get some people wet. We took a little break on a beach to jump off of a rock and snack on some chips. We encountered a guy who was clearly not in the right state of mind, as he was dancing and saying things that did not make any sense. And he was bizarre looking: he must have once been fat because he had a lot of extra skin around his midsection. After jumping off of the rock a few times and witnessing this lady freak out because she thought that someone was going to drown. She was really overreacting to the whole situation, especially considering that the area where the guys were was shallow enough for them to stand, even with the current. So we left and kept on going for a while, and stopped at this rope swing. Normally I would be all over the opportunity to go on a rope swing and jump into the water, but this one was super sketchy. There was little margin for error, and we saw plenty of people eat dirt. I would not have even been tall enough to get a running start, I would have had to be pushed, and the waterline was really low, which made us even more nervous. Only two or three of the guys in our group went off of the rope swing because it just was not safe at all. So we left and then some of the guys saw their friends on this island, so we tried to get over there. Micaela and one of the other guys swam to the island, while the rest of us were trying so hard against the current to get our raft to the island, we ended up pretty far from where we wanted to land. Not only that, but Micaela was nowhere to be found. This really scared me, and I felt so bad for the guys because we were just hitchhikers whom they had picked up, and this must have them worried too. We looked everywhere on the island and around the beach, and I was starting to fear for the worst, well not really, I was told by the guy who swam with her to the island said she started swimming back for us, so we all figured she was further downstream. Just as we were leaving, someone says “Hey, there is your friend, Lauren.” The first thing that I thought was, “No, stop kidding around, she is so not in the bushes over there.” And to my relief, she was there! Turns out that she had accidentally followed the wrong raft group because she thought that they were our newfound friends, but no, it was a group of Asian chicks. So Micaela ended up walking all the way back to us, which took thirty minutes. After that we decided against having any more pitstops! We all had a ton of fun throughout the day, the boys were drinking beer and I was drinking water, as I absolutely hate beer! I finally got more of my tan back, but along with that I got sunburned really badly on my hands/wrists, my feet, the top of my nose, about one centimeter of my forehead, a little on my chest and back, a slight bit on my legs, and worst of all on the top of my head. So now I am peeling all over, and I find my head peeling really embarrassing because it looks like I have really bad dandruff, which is not cute!

I had chemo all last week, and it was not a very good week for me due to my throat hurting. I did puke on that Monday, but that was surely due to anxiety from my earlier stresses in the day. So I will let you know what stressed me out to the point of a breakdown. I went into the clinic just go get a checkup and pick up my chemo drugs for the week. When I got down to the downstairs pharmacy, I was pleased to see my name on the board already. Too bad that they only gave me two out of my three medications. So the pharmacist said she had to get a hard copy from my doctor to fill my prescription. (What?) So I went up 15 minutes later and she told me the same thing, she needed the hard copy from my doctor. I was getting really tired of all of this, so I went back up to the counter and saw a different tech. She gave me AMBIEN. Now, I asked for just my chemo drugs. Everyone knows what ambien is, it makes you sleep, and I certainly did not ask for that drug, so I was pissed. So I had to explain, yet again, that I needed my liquid chemo drug. They kept on making excuses so i started to get really upset because I just wanted to go home. I started tearing up and crying, and made my way upstairs to talk to my doctor to try to find out what was going on. He told me that the downstairs pharmacy needed to send someone up to the upstairs pharmacy to get my chemo drug. The liquid chemo drug was made upstairs and was waiting for me. My doctor apologized for the pharmacy issues, even though it was not his fault. So I went back downstairs and made my plea again, this time I was still tearing up and I was aggravated, giving the techs attitude because they were not listening to me at all. I used aggressive hand signals and whatever else I could so that they would get the picture. Eventually, two hours later, I talked to a different pharmacist (my fourth one I believe) and he actually looked and made sure that something was being done about my chemo. He said to wait just a few more minutes, and that my medication was right there and they were labeling it. And he was right, he called me up a few minutes later and I got my drug. Finally! When I got home, I was really hungry, but I was way too drained and stressed so I took a very long nap, which is what I needed. Panda kept me company throughout my whole nap. Later in the night when I was trying to take my liquid chemo, I felt the urge to puke and had to run to the toilet. Yeah, not fun! And it was even more not fun because of my throat issues and lack of food in my stomach, so basically there was a bunch of acid coming up. But at least I was not nauseous throughout the whole chemo treatment.

Last weekend was really rough for me. I was in so much pain, had the shakes, would sweat profusely- especially at night, was nauseous, and had abdominal pain. Turns out all of this was because I was going through withdrawal from BOTH my liquid morphine and methadone, which I had stopped cold turkey. So I had to call my nurse practitioner, Tamara, and told her how bad I was feeling. So she kind of slapped me on my wrists and told me that I cannot stop methadone cold turkey. So she made me start back on methadone and morphine right away. I immediately felt 1000x better after taking my liquid morphine. Even my demeanor was changed. I had felt like crying just five minutes before, and then I felt energized and perked up and got out of my bad mood. My dad came over to take me to get my blood drawn and then took me to get some weed to help me eat. (I weighed in at 116, which was troubling for both myself and them) So I have to say, I am not intimidated to get marijuana by myself. My dad was not allowed in the room where all of the products were anyways. The lady who helped me out with my first-time purchases was absolutely amazing. She gave me the types that will make me hungry, and told me the difference between sativas and indigas/os; one is for during the day use and the other helps with falling asleep. I ended up getting a little bit of both kinds, and also got a vaporizer pen (which is awesome and looks techy as it has a usb drive) that uses oil. After the trip there, I went to a smoke shop, again, with my dad, to pick out a pipe of some sort. When we got there, to my surprise, I saw my old swimming buddy Andrey and his friend Hunter. I am very sure they were shocked to see me go into the smoke shop with my dad, so that was hilarious. I ended up choosing a small water pipe that looks like a snake, so I named it The Green-Eyed Beast. It is pretty and sparkly and shiny!

On Tuesday, I had the pleasure to Skype with the one and only Gordon Ramsay. When I was first told that my cancer was terminal, my social worker got me hooked up with The Dream Foundation, an organization that grants wishes for those of all ages who are going through life-threatening diseases (or for people who have terminal diseases). Kind of like Make-A-Wish-Foundation, except they have an age limit of 17, so I was never eligible for a wish granted by them to begin with. Luckily, for my first diagnosis I was granted my wish to go to the Olympic Swim Trials in Nebraska by Kids Wish Network. Ok, I had to give a little back story, now back to Chef Ramsay. We Skyped at 9 in the morning, and I was full of nervous energy before I got to talking to him. Once I saw him, my anxiety was put to rest. Gordon Ramsay introduced me to his wife and two of his daughters, and said that his whole family are supporters of me, which I thought was the sweetest thing that someone could say. We talked for a total of 23 minutes, and I only know that it was this long because we recorded it to keep it in our memories, and as well to send a copy to The Dream Foundation. Honestly, when I was talking to Ramsay, it was like he was a regular person, he is that down to earth. We talked about his shows, and he asked me who I thought was going to win Masterchef, and I told him the annoying chick, to where he laughed and told me that everyone was annoying. I finally remembered her name was Krissy, and he agreed with me that she is annoying, but she can really cook. I asked him what his favorite show that he participates in was, and he told me Great Escapes, as he was living in an Indian tribe for two months and learned to cook their food with them. Ramsay also stated that he had cooked for the troops in Iraq to support them, and stated that the other food they had to eat was just awful, so I know the soldiers appreciated a meal from such a renowned chef. We ended up laughing about a bunch of different things, such as when he smashes an undercooked or severely overcooked piece of fish with his palm- sending bits of fish flying everywhere. We think a lot alike, such as our frustrations that all of the competitors on Hell’s Kitchen smoke, and the smoke totally kills taste buds! I thought it was amazing that he brought it up, cuz I always think the same thing. Great minds think alike I guess! Since my wish was to have Gordon cook for me, he said he plans on getting that done soon, oh say, in September for an episode of Hell’s Kitchen! He will give me a table in the kitchen (I believe) and will personally cook whatever I want him to cook for me. That for sure is going to be duck, because that is my absolute favorite protein. And yes, it will be during a taping of Hell’s Kitchen, so I will be on film. I hope to further reach out to people that there is childhood cancer and to be aware of all of these deadly diseases. With so many little children dying from leukemia, brain tumors, osteosarcomas, there is just no way that we should be overlooked by society. Childhood cancer needs more recognition, such as having an awareness month just like breast cancer does. I did research on sarcomas, and they have a much higher percentage of deaths than breast cancer does. Just saying the hard facts, so I want more research to be done to help these poor kids who haven’t even been given a chance to have children of their own. I mean, I am very sure that at this point I will not be able to give birth to a child of my own, however, I plan on beating this cancer and being able to go back to school, having a legit wedding (sorry Egor lol but I doubt the ceremony will be nearly as good as ours was) and then adopt a child. I still have plans, I would not say that my plans are dead, I would say that they are just being put on hold for a while. I am sure a lot of people are wondering how I feel about seeing my friends go off to college while I am staying at home. Well, I am honestly extremely jealous. I want to go to school so bad, and it infuriates me when people constantly skip classes and come late to class every day. Like, you are lucky to even be in school, whether it is a community college, university, state college, or a prestigious private college.  That does not make a difference to me. You are bettering yourself nevertheless. I am going to have to find ways to keep myself busy during the day. Maybe I will volunteer an old folks home, write the book that everyone is begging me to write: How I Planned My Wedding in Three Weeks… Two Spent in the Pediatric Oncology Ward. Yeah, I might have to work on that title, but it really does capture everything! So if you have any ideas about a better name for my book, please contact me and tell me! It would be greatly appreciated.

Today I received a lovely box in the mail containing clothing from Hollister. I was so happy when it came, because I wanted to have new clothes to wear down to San Diego for the weekend. Yes, I am going on a roadtrip with my brother and DeAngela down to San Diego on Friday morning and then leave San Diego on Monday morning. We all really want to see my “husband”, my best friend, really badly. We haven’t seen him since the day after we got “married”. So that was in July. It is about time for us to see him again. We are so excited, and I get to take the roadtrip off of my bucketlist! Yay! Egor’s mom is going to cook some Russian food for us to take to Egor, and I know he will be so happy with them! She is so thoughtful and nice. (Oh, and to add to my “mother-in-law”s total awesomeness, she brought over sushi and cakes for me when I wasn’t feeling so good. It was just the nicest thing ever!

Please Note: Egor and I are not an actual couple. We were not, and are not dating. He married me (unofficially of course) because my prognosis was so bad. He and I are just best friends, and both of us love it that way. So yes, I do love him, but its the friend/family love for him. And he feels the same way. I just had to clear that out for some people who misinterpreted the whole situation. Egor is just that great of a person to marry me in a time of great need, I owe a lot to him because of this. So I am going to try to make it up to him by letting him be my dinner “date” to Hell’s Kitchen, besides, it will be so fun and I will get to spend time with one of my best friends who I don’t get to see as much.

So I guess I am going to go to bed now, Ive spent a good 1 1/2 hours writing and I am going to need some sleep. I think I need to be pestered to write here more often! But until next time!

Thank you for reading my blog. If you like it then please subscribe to it, and please just try to get this blog out to as many people as possible. So if you could share this on your facebook, that would be so appreciated. Or post it on twitter, and I think I am going to have to get one to help spread awareness of childhood cancer and how dangerous it is. Is it considered being conceited if I want to become instagram, twitter, and wordpress popular? That way I would be able to reach many more people! I kind of would like to be a voice of childhood cancer. That is a good goal, I believe. Oh, and my goal is to try to get into a trial study next year, so hopefully that will get rid of my cancer! So my goals are to be a spokesperson of childhood and young adult cancer; last but certainly not least, I want to kick my ewing’s sarcoma cancerous tumors’ asses! Wahoo I am tough so that is a reachable goal!Image

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Home Sweet Home, At Last!

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After spending two weeks and one day in the hospital, I was finally set free. This was the longest time I have ever spent in a hospital, comparable to about 7 or 8 days spent during Thanksgiving of 2011. It was weird being in the hospital (which we sometimes call a hotel because of how long we stay in it and how we have fantastic room service of ice cream and otter pops given at request, as well as any other leftover goodies that are in the kitchen) for so long when I was not feeling super sick. The first week or so I was incredibly sick and had to be on oxygen and on a PCA machine (basically giving me a certain amount of strong pain killers every hour, which also had an on demand push button which delivered more of the medicine every ten minutes, if needed). After a while, I was weening off of the oxygen during the day and still had it during the night because my oxygen levels would drop just low enough to have the oxygen monitor go crazy and make tons of noise. Then, after about two days of being off of the oxygen during the day, I was able to go without it during the night without problem. That was one thing that I was incredibly proud of, because I had no intentions of walking down the aisle carting an oxygen tank behind me, mind you, I would have bedazzled the shit out of it if I were to have to need the extra air. I was able to stop using the PCA on demand button pretty quickly as my pain got under control with other pills, and soon after that they stopped giving me out the pain medicine (I think it was called delotted) at an hourly rate and just kept it to the push button, for a just in case I were to feel a lot of pain and I would be able to get a quick release from the pain. About two days before I got out of the hospital, we were able to take off my PCA pump entirely, which made it easier to be escorted to radiation by ambulance. I was incredibly happy by the amount of progress that I was making and was so ready to get out. And today, I finally did.

I was able to take my first actual shower in over two weeks in the hospital, and boy, did it feel nice! I loved the feeling of actually getting my whole body drenched with water instead of being washed down with these stupid clothes, which resembled ones that you wipe a baby’s butt with- except that they were warm. I did not take as long of a shower as I will do tomorrow, because I had to get some paperwork given to me and send DeAngela off to get my discharge medication. I was surprised with how quickly they were able to discharge me this time, because all of the other times I had to wait around and be impatient to get the discharge papers and to see the doctor. I actually ended up seeing two of my doctors, Dr. Jolly and Dr. Adams. Dr. Adams was the main doctor who took care of me during that week and I am assuming that Dr. Jolly was there to take over for the next week. I was a little disappointed that Dr. Adams, a quiet, soft spoken man would not be able to attend my wedding, because he really opened up to me and talked quite a lot with me in the hospital, which was really nice. Dr. Jolly, however, said that he would be able to attend my wedding and that made me very happy! Yeah, I know I see my doctors, nurses, and radiologists on a regular occasion, but that does not mean that I dread seeing them! They made my life while in the hospital or in the clinic or in radiation much better, and I appreciate that completely for being as nice and as real to me as they could. Oh, and most of them have very nice senses of humor too. I can always appreciate a good laugh, or even a little giggle.

As I was leaving, I asked one of my nurses to add me on Facebook so I could invite her to my wedding, as well as a few other nurses who I had spent a lot of time with, whether it was this year or two years ago, I will always remember who took good care of me. She complied and I am now about to invite the nurses to my wedding as well. 

In the clinic, Tamara and Shelly made a flyer for my wedding, inviting only people who knew me, and added that I wish to be the only one wearing a white dress and also the only one in a floor-length dress. I thought this was really sweet, because I love my clinic nurses as well, and have spent a lot of time with them. I wrote down the details to the wedding and gave them to my radiologist Denise and asked her to spread it around for the whole radiology team so that they knew that they were invited and so they would have the information to be able to get to the wedding.

I also gave my blog information out to all of the nurses, and they have it in their break office so that they will have access to reading it- and hopefully spreading it around because I want to touch as many people as I possibly can. I also wrote down the address to my blog and gave it to the radiology team so that they could read what I write about as well, and sort of get an idea of what an impact they make on me.

Ok, so back to me getting out of the hospital, I can get a little off topic when I find something I feel a lot of passion about and just have the urge to write about it. So Dee and I took a wagon downstairs with all of my stuff that was leftover from my mom and dad taking trips home with certain items so I was not left with a room full of flowers and other such things to have to lug to the car. I have to say, after being mostly bedridden for 15 days, my legs are still not used to walking. It feels a little funky, like I have to learn how to walk again. I am not bad at walking, maybe a little clumsy, but I have not fallen, despite having a wristband that reads “FALL RISK” in all capitals. I am so glad for the exercise though, after laying down and sitting for over two weeks, it was nice to walk out to the car, not only once, but twice to return the wagon. And turns out that I had forgotten to take a PCA pump home. This confused me, because I am not attached to anything, but I had signed for it so technically it is mine. So I guess it is a just in case thing, as well as the oxygen tubes that I have in my garage.

Dee drove me to radiation (finally not having to be escorted by ambulance, I felt so free) and all of the radiologists were so excited to see me and were happy that I was done with my radiation after today, not that they were happy to get rid of me or anything. I gave hugs to all of my radiologists, including Dan,    Ben, Denise, and some other lady whom I had never seen before. Geoff wasn’t there so I was a little sad that I unable to say goodbye to him. But I will be seeing most of the radiologists at the wedding, and I am so happy that they will see me all dressed up in all white.

After radiation, we stopped by Tapioca Express, a favorite food place of mine because I was incredibly hungry. Dee dropped me off at home, as well as helped me unpack the car, and left because I told her I wanted some alone time, which I believe is understandable because I never really had any true alone time in the hospital, and I was in dire need of it. Oh, and I wanted to spend my alone time with my kitty Panda, but I don’t really think that counts against my alone time. I found Panda upstairs under my mom’s bed and he immediately came out to come see me- I knew he missed me. We ended up chilling downstairs while I attempted to eat my Tapioca Express food- chicken bites, fried zucchini, and curly fries, but I either have really, really bad heartburn or something with the radiation is making my throat hurt whenever I swallow something. I am leaning towards the damage of radiation, as I was told it could be a side effect. So I just ate my french fries and part of my boba drink (large mocha snowbubble with no tapioca to be precise) and decided that I could not put my throat through any more suffering for the moment. I picked up Panda and took about a three hour nap with him, until I had to wake up and go to the bathroom, in which he promptly took off to go play while I went back to bed alone for another 4-5 hours. Yeah, I was incredibly tired. You just do not get the same amount of sleep in the hospital as you do at home, because in the hospital you have to be monitored every four hours, which meant a blood pressure test, oxygen rate test, and a taking of my temperature. Not to mention waking up to take certain meds to be sure that all my pain would be covered. Then having breakfast come in at 8 in the morning, and again about half an hour later to pick up the menu and your choices of food for the next day. Yeah, not the same as being able to sleep in for as long as I wish and not getting woken up several times at night by a flashlight or a noisy nurse (luckily I did not have too many of them).

I woke up at around 8pm tonight and was in a great amount of pain because I was off my schedule for pain pills. So we quickly corrected that, and within thirty minutes I was feeling much better. I also had some late night visitors, who came at around 9. They were my old buddies from high school, who, while we might have lost touch with after graduation, we never had a falling out, so I was happy to have them take the time to visit me. Keith, one of my friends from kindergarten and from wrestling team, Alex, one of my friends who I met through wrestling my sophomore year, and Michael, who I met in 8th grade through wrestling and hung out with through mutual friends, all came over to see me. I was expecting (and at first demanded) a short visit, but I was feeling pretty darn good after my pain meds kicked in, that we talked for about two hours. It was so nice catching up with the good people who I had hung out with in high school, particularly my senior year. We joked around a lot just like old times, played with Instagram and looked at people who were thirsty for likes (aka attention from the opposite sex) and just talked about what we had done with our year. We also talked about different experiences that we had in college, as well as discussing who we all hang out with, where each other goes to college, and just reminiscing about the old days- not that any of us want to go back to high school. We are all so thankful to be in college and to have moved on from that point in life, and to being more mature than we were back in the days of high school. I truly relished their visit, not to mention I was given a funny card from them and the movie Sinister, and although I have already seen it, it is a scary movie that I will end up watching again, so thanks guys! They ended up leaving at 11 when Michael realized that he had to feed his dogs. Whoops!

When I first got home, I was also greeted with a lot of cards. Cards that congratulated myself and Egor on getting married. These cards were from people who I did not know, but all I do know is that they had to explain who they were on my mother’s side of the family. I don’t believe that I had met any of them, but it was incredibly sweet of them to reach out to me even though they do not know me either. Some of the cards were so cute! Although most of the messages that were left were of them explaining how they are related to me, they were still thoughtful. I also got a gift from my mom’s cousin (I think) Laura, whom I am friends with on Facebook. She gave me two hand-stitched hats because she thought I was going to lose my hair with this cancer- thank goodness that it hasn’t, but it was so nice of her to think of that. One is completely silly but so creative and cool, it has a dolphin in it and has some of the prettiest blues and greens in it. So since I will be in no need of these, I am going to donate them to the clinic where someone can actually enjoy the use of them and to cover their little bald heads. I think that is the best place for them.

So now my house is littered with balloons and flowers and blankets given to me, but I am just so glad to be home, and looking at all of these things make me really realize how loved I am, it really touches my heart.

I am unsure if I will be able to write another blog tomorrow night (if so it will probably be pretty late) as my college swim team has organized a weenie roast with a special guest (meaning me) so I have to make an appearance, not that you would have to give me any reason to go, because I love my swim team and I am excited to see them again! I will not be driving because I will be tired, so Dee will drive Mark (my brother) and I up there and we will all hang out with my swim team- they are very welcoming and generous people, so I know they will love DeAngela.

So goodnight, it is pretty late and I could use some more sleep with my kitty Panda! And I am so glad to be home at last!

My Bipolar Day

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Today I woke up and was happy to see that my dad was still in the hospital. Turns out that he had taken the day off because he had some errands of some sort to run, but it meant that he could spend a little bit more time with me in the morning. I was expecting Eden to come at around 10 so I decided that I had to get ready a little bit earlier than I normally do. Eden came a little bit earlier than I had thought, so while I was washing my hair and body she went to hang out with the nurses until I was all nice and clean (in a hospital sense of clean). When I was done she came back to hang out with me and while my dad went to get breakfast downstairs. Eden always talks about how much she loves talking to me and just hanging out with me alone, because we have so much in common and we have shared our cancer experiences together. So while talking, my nurse Carole came in with a blonde mustache attached to her face. We immediately started laughing, and I had to get out the mustaches that Robyn handed me a few days earlier. Eden and I put on our blonde mustaches and joined the fun! We were taking pictures and videos when DeAngela came in, so she had to join in the action- although the blonde definitely was not her color. Eden’s stache was a thin one, kind of french looking if you asked me. My mustache looked like something a deputy would have, while DeAngela’s stache was one that matched with a sheriff’s.
When my EMTs came, Eden left and DeAngela and I kept our mustaches so we could surprise my awesome radiologists. I really liked the EMTs that I had today. They were extremely nice and had no problem whatsoever with taking DeAngela with them. In their own words, “She could even want to stop by McDonald’s and we wouldn’t care,” So they were already winners in my heart. They were three heavy set men with a sense of humor that I could enjoy. With one of them, DeAngela and I felt comfortable enough to have more adult conversations with, and we were all very open about everything and talked about random, funny subjects such as the concept of the teenage parents who refuse to believe that their kids might have sex and will not provide them with proper birth control to him sneaking into his college girlfriend’s room during Thanksgiving Break at a religious school and almost getting caught. This was by far the most fun I had while I was in the ambulance, and I guess it did not hurt that I was unattached to my IV pole the whole time. The ambulance driver was very considerate and took the long way to radiology because the short way is very bumpy and can cause stomach aches. This gave me a new view from the back of the ambulance that I hadn’t seen in all the other 8 times that I was taken to get radiation.

Radiation went smooth as usual, and the radiologists all appreciated the mustaches, so Dee and I took them off when we left. I invited all of my radiologists to my wedding because they have played a very important role in my life in the past two years. 

When I got back, Eden, Ashleigh, and her mom visited my room and we talked for about thirty minutes, as Ashleigh had chemo that day and was in Ativan Land, so she was getting quite sleepy. I love being able to talk about the experiences that I have had during my battle with cancer and I love being able to give tips to people of what to take advantage of and what to stay away from. When they left Dee and I were alone for about twenty minutes until my old neighbor and girl I grew up with who is in the babysitting coop with me named Kelsey came by with beef teriyaki and rice for my lunch. She also brought by a gift from the kids of the babysitting coop. It was a star named after me. What a great way to leave behind part of my legacy than to have a star named after me? I thought it was really cute. Kelsey, DeAngela, and I were watching Identity Thief (which I was not very interested in and did not think was very good at all) when someone knocked on the door and it turned out to be one of my best friends from high school Eric and his mother. I had totally forgotten that he had asked to come by and that I was really excited to see him. Go figure, I will blame it on the chemo brain, even though I haven’t had chemo in about three weeks or so. But he came in bringing the most beautiful bouquet of flowers with plenty of roses- which smelled fantastic by the way. I was so glad that he came at the perfect moment, so I talked with him and his mom while Kelsey and DeAngela continued to watch the movie. I was so glad to be reunited with Eric since I had not seen him in quite a while, so we had a nice long embrace when we saw each other. His mom asked if there was anything food-wise that we needed for the wedding, and I answered honestly that we could use a few more small bites for the cocktail hour. She responded by saying that she could make 300 egg rolls, half with pork and half vegetarian. I was floored with her offer and quickly accepted, graciously of course. She then asked if we needed any fruit, and I responded again with a “yes”. She had the best idea of what to do with the fruit so I am going to keep that a little secret, but it was a cute idea. I was originally supposed to help her make it (well I offered to help so I could learn) and it turns out that the mother works during the day before the wedding and was planning on making the fruit fantasia during the evening of July 5th. However, I am going to be rehearsing for my wedding at that time, so I guess I will have to let her know what the new plan is. But nevertheless, I am incredibly excited for the whole wedding, if not a little nervous.

So at the end of the day I ended up being really emotional and kind of sad, because it was confirmed that the love Egor has for me is friendship love, and it will not bloom into the romantic love that I was really hoping for. I am glad that he has been honest about it during the whole time, but I still had a little hope. I started crying because I want to be in love at least once in my 20 years of living and it does not seem like that will happen, I will have to settle for true friendship love. And I am grateful that Egor is willing to marry me with all of the friendship love that he has for me. So unfortunately for me, we will not be consummating the wedding. That is another problem I will have to deal with. I have needs that all grown women at the age of 20 have- in fact every woman has them. This is me writing in my honest state of mind- I just want to be able to be touched and loved by a man (more of lust but I am a little embarrassed to write that).

I got a letter today from a family member today that really touched me and made me cry. This family member has been going through a tough time and has been thinking of giving up, but because of me he has hope again. Because I am still battling a battle that is most likely unwinnable, and he has a life that he can still live out even though things are hard. Hearing things like these are reinforcing some of the reasons why I try to write every night. I want to inspire people to never give up and to live their lives in the best way that they can. I want people to realize that their lives could be worse and that they should be thankful for their health. I want people to understand what I am going through in the most real way possible, mostly without censoring it to keep it as raw as possible. I want people to stop complaining about stupid boy problems, friend problems, family and money problems and to realize that life could be so much worse, and that no one likes people who complain constantly about stupid, little things. I want to inspire people not to give up on their lives.

And on one last note for the night, I get out of the hospital tomorrow and I also have my last radiation treatment tomorrow as well. I am elated to be going home and I cannot wait to be there to relax, spend time with my family, and of course, cuddle with my kitty for the longest time, as he is the only family member who I have not been able to see in the two weeks that I have been here. So yay to getting out of the hospital!!!

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Carole and I rocking our mustaches. Thought you might enjoy this picture.

My Day Full of Insecurities

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As the wedding date has gotten closer and closer, I have been getting a little anxious about it. No, I am most certainly getting cold feet. I am so excited for the wedding that I am getting a little anxious about it. When I get anxious my insecurities end up getting the best of me. DeAngela, Eden, and Egor all got to see that today. What has been on my mind is “Am I good enough for him?” and “Is he excited to be marrying me?”
I think these are my old insecurities coming back to haunt me back from high school. I have kind of grown into my face since my high school years, but here are some things that I hated about myself back then: my lack of boobs, my flat butt, my very toned stomach, my all-over acne (this included my face, back, and chest), my larger nose, and most importantly that I had a very red tone to my face. I was embarrassed to try to flirt with guys because in the back of my mind I would be focusing on all of my flaws when I should have been thinking about all of the good things about myself such as my bright, blue eyes, infectious laugh, and my bright white smile.
It is kind of weird for me to think of myself being stuck-up on the comments said about me during the past, but it still hurts. I always will remember the words an ex told me, “You look like a pink monkey.” Yeah, I was totally embarrassed.
But what I should be thinking about all that I have to offer now: intelligence, my ability to handle sarcasm and give it right back, my ability to cook, that I get along with a lot of people, that I am a genuinely nice person, that I have not made any major life mistakes, my hair is finally growing back, my cute freckles, the fact that I finally got the boobs and butt that I had always wanted. In fact, I have a bigger rack than most of the swimmers (considering that swimmers are not supposed to have any drag in the front, aka swimmers boobs) but I have smaller hips than most do, I have little baby hips that I never noticed until Katie and Shaila noticed when we were trying on our fastskin suits. Then it finally made sense to them why I was able to fit into a size 26 suit rather than a 32.
I am lucky that my friends put up with my insecurities during this time- and most of the time I am a very confident person, I think it is just that the wedding is coming quickly and I always have to make sure everyone is happy, so on top of that list I have to make sure that my fiance is number one on that list. I want to make sure that he is fine (well more than fine, happy) to be marrying me and all that comes with me, although I am a low maintenance girl. I always feel like I am responsible for the feelings of others, and Egor is no different. I want to make sure that he is truly content with marrying me. He has, of course, reassured me that he is excited for the wedding and for marrying me. I also don’t think that the whole me being terminal has quite gotten to him because he does not really like it when I say things like “I will leave behind a legacy” and stuff about my timeline. I totally get it, I am probably still in denial of my imminent death, and so are a lot of people. And I think that is ok, because I feel that ignorance is sweet, sweet, bliss.
Ok, so more about my day! Well last night my brother, mom, and I got the pleasure to see Kyle, one of the nurses assistants and hang out with him for like an hour talking about creepy guys, code words, and other things all while watching The Bachelorette. Kyle is a nice and innocent guy who is fun to talk to because he and I share the same sort of humor.
So my radiation trip was very normal and non-stressful considering how bad the last day had been. The weather was humid but raining, however I am not a fan of rain but I loved the humidity because the temperature is perfect! When I got back from radiation I was pleased with meeting a new chemo buddy named Ashleigh. She had just graduated high school and has/had osteosarcoma, which is one hell of a scary disease. Anything with the base “osteo” is never a good diagnosis (as you can probably tell with my “luck” of Ewings sarcoma visiting me twice. Anyways, Ashleigh is a very nice girl who happened to look very good bald, so she was one of the lucky few who does not have a misshapen head. Plus her head was not full of tons of big moles, unlike myself when I was a little baldy. Then my buddy from kindergarten all the way through middle school (he moved to a rival school our sophomore year) Drake came by for a visit. It was so nice seeing him, and it felt like no time had passed between all of the years that we had not spoken. Eden later came to visit me and brought along the movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower”. And oh my goodness, that was such a good movie! I was impressed, and most of all it had a great ending, which is all that I can handle at this point without breaking down and sobbing other than horror films. But I truly recommend this movie to anyone, and I have no clue how I went so long without watching it!
After everyone left, my dad came with Squeeze In burgers for dinner, as I had never tried them before. I was not impressed because it had a lack of seasoning. But it was a nice and juicy burger so that pretty much made up for the taste (not that it was bad at all or anything!) So my dad and I watched one of my favorite fat people show, (other than The Biggest Loser) Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition. Now Chopped is on while I am writing this blog. I also accomplished to buy the bridesmaids their gifts: a necklace (which will remain undisclosed until the wedding) that will go perfectly with their dresses, so naturally I am proud of my online shopping skills. I also managed to get some gifts for my kitty Panda- a brush and two toys, and for my dogs Jocelin and Buffy, I got each of them a really cool chew toy that they hopefully won’t tear apart within minutes of me giving them to the dogs.
Also, I forgot to post this earlier, Eden approached me when everyone else was gone and asked me what was on my bucket list. So I had to scroll through my blog to find it, and Eden, bless her heart, said that whatever I was not going to be able to mark off of my list, that she would do it for me at one point. She truly is a great friend to have- we both support each other through our hard times.
I will leave on that good note and write again tomorrow!

I Feel Loved and Special

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Today started out a little rough with a battle with the EMTs (this was a different crew) to let DeAngela ride on the ambulance with me. None of the other crews had any problem with it whatsoever, so I was very confused by this. My nurse Katya believed that they just did not want to take her with us. She defended me by saying that DeAngela is my support system, and that my family cannot be there because they are working. I even added in that I am terminally ill to see if they would change their minds, but all I got was “I do not want to get fired,” which I thought was insensitive. The EMTs made several calls and finally decided to allow DeAngela to ride in the front of the ambulance on my way to radiation. 

At radiation I found out how much of my body is being radiated, and I was shown through dots marked on my skin to outline how far the radiation is going. Basically my whole left chest, about midway to my stomach, and then on the back of those markings too. So that is quite a bit of radiation some sensitive areas- some sensitive enough to get burnt already, after only seven rounds of radiation. I was surprised by this and asked if it was normal, but yes it is normal to get sunburnt from radiation (as I know first hand from my leg) but my left nipple? Yes, I will admit where I am sunburnt. As embarrassing as it is, it is the reality of some of the strange things that come with getting treated for cancer.

I also found out today from Rebecca, my ex-chemo buddy/ bridesmaid’s mother, that I will be having a videographer at my wedding. I am beyond stoked about that, so that this wedding can be shown to people and remembered forever and cherished by my family, as I did with my mom and dad’s wedding video.

Rebecca has so many connections that it never ceases to amaze me. She set me up with one of her friends (who is a hairdresser) who is going to be doing my hair and makeup for me the morning of the wedding. Rebecca also set me up with a salon called EllaBlue, and they offered to do any and all services that they provided for free! This amazed me, I am probably just going to go with a mani-pedi and get my eyebrows waxed (for the first time, and mind you, I have not plucked them while in the hospital so they are not up to par). Unless the salon owner insists that I get another treatment, that will be more than enough for me, it is so generous.

So I did have another major annoyance today. My afternoon nurse is extremely slow and hardly speaks English. It is frustrating trying to communicate my needs and medication. She is very nice but I am unsure of how educated she is in the field of nursing. I had incredibly bad heart burn and wanted to get some medication to help it feel better. She had suggested ambien, which just happens to be my sleeping medication, and I said, rather annoyed,” Uh, no that is for bedtime and it helps me sleep.” She also suggested miralax, which is a stool softener… Yeah not what I needed for my heart burn. Eventually my mom and I made her call the doctor and he prescribed me Tums, and I cannot stand Tums, I swear they make my stomach worse than anything else, it’s just the chalky taste of it and everything about it. Gross. Too bad my chemo buddy Andrew likes them, I have no clue how that is even possible, but whatever floats his boat I guess!

My mom arrived at around 6pm tonight with a gift of Taco Bell, just what I had ordered. I only ate one burrito due to my heartburn and refusal to take Tums, but I was happy nevertheless. She also surprised me with a gift from someone who I did not even know: a painting made by the famous David Garibaldi. Yeah, the guy who paints with music and was featured on America’s Got Talent. I also heard that he just got flown in a private jet to Jay-Z’s mansion in order to paint a picture for him. The picture I got is beautiful and has a message on the back for me that says, “Lauren: Live with passion and purpose. Hope stands for hold on. progress en route.” This was such an awesome gift that will be hanging on my wall as soon as possible. I cannot measure any gifts on a scale of what the best gifts are, because they all came from the hearts of ones who love me, and just having people think about me in such a positive way is fantastic enough for me. For people to go out of their way to make my life/wedding/day a little easier is such a blessing. I truly appreciate that in a way that no words (despite my pretty vast vocabulary, if you ask me) can ever explain. 

My brother also came to visit me in the hospital! I was so thankful to see him, because I missed him a lot, despite being easily overly annoyed by him. He was on a cruise to Alaska and Canada for a week, so he hasn’t been able to see the progress with the wedding planning or with my medical problems either. I was hoping he would come see me before I got released from the hospital. He brought back a few souvenirs for me. He brought a decent sized moose stuffed animal, and on its back tag happened to say “wish” on it somewhere, so I was touched, although I am sure that he did not notice it at all, but I still thought it was cute. He brought me a kind of gag gift of an eagle hat that flaps its wings when you pull on a string. Perfect for me because I am quite the goofy person and do weird things like that all the time. If you have seen my goofy and weird moments, consider yourself lucky! It is kind of a thing I do more around my good friends or if I am in a fantastic mood- like I am now! I will Snapchat funny pictures to my friends and fiance. My fiance and I kind of get into a war of who can make the ugliest faces or just weird facial expressions in general. This proves how comfortable I am with him, so I truly am marrying my best friend, whether it is in a traditional way or not.

So I am done for the night, but today was overall a pretty good day if you asked me! And I am getting closer and closer to being released from the hospital and being able to take an actual shower! Woohoo!