My Day Full of Insecurities

As the wedding date has gotten closer and closer, I have been getting a little anxious about it. No, I am most certainly getting cold feet. I am so excited for the wedding that I am getting a little anxious about it. When I get anxious my insecurities end up getting the best of me. DeAngela, Eden, and Egor all got to see that today. What has been on my mind is “Am I good enough for him?” and “Is he excited to be marrying me?”
I think these are my old insecurities coming back to haunt me back from high school. I have kind of grown into my face since my high school years, but here are some things that I hated about myself back then: my lack of boobs, my flat butt, my very toned stomach, my all-over acne (this included my face, back, and chest), my larger nose, and most importantly that I had a very red tone to my face. I was embarrassed to try to flirt with guys because in the back of my mind I would be focusing on all of my flaws when I should have been thinking about all of the good things about myself such as my bright, blue eyes, infectious laugh, and my bright white smile.
It is kind of weird for me to think of myself being stuck-up on the comments said about me during the past, but it still hurts. I always will remember the words an ex told me, “You look like a pink monkey.” Yeah, I was totally embarrassed.
But what I should be thinking about all that I have to offer now: intelligence, my ability to handle sarcasm and give it right back, my ability to cook, that I get along with a lot of people, that I am a genuinely nice person, that I have not made any major life mistakes, my hair is finally growing back, my cute freckles, the fact that I finally got the boobs and butt that I had always wanted. In fact, I have a bigger rack than most of the swimmers (considering that swimmers are not supposed to have any drag in the front, aka swimmers boobs) but I have smaller hips than most do, I have little baby hips that I never noticed until Katie and Shaila noticed when we were trying on our fastskin suits. Then it finally made sense to them why I was able to fit into a size 26 suit rather than a 32.
I am lucky that my friends put up with my insecurities during this time- and most of the time I am a very confident person, I think it is just that the wedding is coming quickly and I always have to make sure everyone is happy, so on top of that list I have to make sure that my fiance is number one on that list. I want to make sure that he is fine (well more than fine, happy) to be marrying me and all that comes with me, although I am a low maintenance girl. I always feel like I am responsible for the feelings of others, and Egor is no different. I want to make sure that he is truly content with marrying me. He has, of course, reassured me that he is excited for the wedding and for marrying me. I also don’t think that the whole me being terminal has quite gotten to him because he does not really like it when I say things like “I will leave behind a legacy” and stuff about my timeline. I totally get it, I am probably still in denial of my imminent death, and so are a lot of people. And I think that is ok, because I feel that ignorance is sweet, sweet, bliss.
Ok, so more about my day! Well last night my brother, mom, and I got the pleasure to see Kyle, one of the nurses assistants and hang out with him for like an hour talking about creepy guys, code words, and other things all while watching The Bachelorette. Kyle is a nice and innocent guy who is fun to talk to because he and I share the same sort of humor.
So my radiation trip was very normal and non-stressful considering how bad the last day had been. The weather was humid but raining, however I am not a fan of rain but I loved the humidity because the temperature is perfect! When I got back from radiation I was pleased with meeting a new chemo buddy named Ashleigh. She had just graduated high school and has/had osteosarcoma, which is one hell of a scary disease. Anything with the base “osteo” is never a good diagnosis (as you can probably tell with my “luck” of Ewings sarcoma visiting me twice. Anyways, Ashleigh is a very nice girl who happened to look very good bald, so she was one of the lucky few who does not have a misshapen head. Plus her head was not full of tons of big moles, unlike myself when I was a little baldy. Then my buddy from kindergarten all the way through middle school (he moved to a rival school our sophomore year) Drake came by for a visit. It was so nice seeing him, and it felt like no time had passed between all of the years that we had not spoken. Eden later came to visit me and brought along the movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower”. And oh my goodness, that was such a good movie! I was impressed, and most of all it had a great ending, which is all that I can handle at this point without breaking down and sobbing other than horror films. But I truly recommend this movie to anyone, and I have no clue how I went so long without watching it!
After everyone left, my dad came with Squeeze In burgers for dinner, as I had never tried them before. I was not impressed because it had a lack of seasoning. But it was a nice and juicy burger so that pretty much made up for the taste (not that it was bad at all or anything!) So my dad and I watched one of my favorite fat people show, (other than The Biggest Loser) Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition. Now Chopped is on while I am writing this blog. I also accomplished to buy the bridesmaids their gifts: a necklace (which will remain undisclosed until the wedding) that will go perfectly with their dresses, so naturally I am proud of my online shopping skills. I also managed to get some gifts for my kitty Panda- a brush and two toys, and for my dogs Jocelin and Buffy, I got each of them a really cool chew toy that they hopefully won’t tear apart within minutes of me giving them to the dogs.
Also, I forgot to post this earlier, Eden approached me when everyone else was gone and asked me what was on my bucket list. So I had to scroll through my blog to find it, and Eden, bless her heart, said that whatever I was not going to be able to mark off of my list, that she would do it for me at one point. She truly is a great friend to have- we both support each other through our hard times.
I will leave on that good note and write again tomorrow!

My First Real Freakout

So on Saturday night, as my mom was away at her boyfriend’s tennis tournament, my dad was in charge of taking care of my needs (not too much, mind you, more of just keeping me company while I am recovering from the week’s chemo). I started to notice that when I run my hands through my hair or kind of pull it, quite a few strands fall out. Every time I did that, more hair would fall. So naturally, I freaked out and thought that my hair was going to fall out just as it had two years prior. I did not cry the first time that my hair fell out because I was not that attached to it. However, this time it means something new to me, and it is finally at an acceptable length where people do not think I am sick or a lesbian or get weird looks from strangers. I actually get compliments on my short hair. So naturally, I cried when I believed that my hair was falling out. I am not much of a crier at all, but I was genuinely scared about how this would impact my summer.

I did not want to be stared at during the whole summer. I did not want the wrong kind of attention, and not having the hair made me really self conscious. I was always feeling like the girl who no one wanted. I mean, I’m pretty sure that having hair is on top of most guys’ dateable list. Not to mention the fact that having cancer already makes it a little awkward to start dating. For me, I felt like I wasn’t special enough for someone to take a chance on me while at my worst.

Luckily, with my hair grown at the length that it is, I feel normal and confident. You would never know not only that I had cancer, or that I am currently battling it. It took me a while to cool down from my freakout, and I realized that I am just shedding like the average person, and I am simply not used to it because I basically did not have hair for two years. As long as clumps are not falling out of my head I am in the clear. Because if there is something I know about, it is hair loss! I’ve been around it with my friends and had my experience with it.

In other news, I am done with chemo for two weeks! This is the time that I will start to feel good and be able to go out and about! Unfortunately, I caught a cold so I am very stuffed up! Not what I was hoping for but it is nothing to get me put in the hospital, so I will take it. I’ve been feeling progressively better and will get in the pool tomorrow, despite the fact that it will hurt my sinuses. That is something I am going to have to deal with to keep up with having a normal summer and a normal me. I haven’t lost or gained any weight, which is a miracle considering that with chemo a lot of people lose their appetites, however mine has not been affected.

Hopefully I will get my grand start to summer tomorrow! Meeting new people at the club where I swim at and keep my tan. Goodnight. =]