love

Home Sweet Home, At Last!

Posted by

1

After spending two weeks and one day in the hospital, I was finally set free. This was the longest time I have ever spent in a hospital, comparable to about 7 or 8 days spent during Thanksgiving of 2011. It was weird being in the hospital (which we sometimes call a hotel because of how long we stay in it and how we have fantastic room service of ice cream and otter pops given at request, as well as any other leftover goodies that are in the kitchen) for so long when I was not feeling super sick. The first week or so I was incredibly sick and had to be on oxygen and on a PCA machine (basically giving me a certain amount of strong pain killers every hour, which also had an on demand push button which delivered more of the medicine every ten minutes, if needed). After a while, I was weening off of the oxygen during the day and still had it during the night because my oxygen levels would drop just low enough to have the oxygen monitor go crazy and make tons of noise. Then, after about two days of being off of the oxygen during the day, I was able to go without it during the night without problem. That was one thing that I was incredibly proud of, because I had no intentions of walking down the aisle carting an oxygen tank behind me, mind you, I would have bedazzled the shit out of it if I were to have to need the extra air. I was able to stop using the PCA on demand button pretty quickly as my pain got under control with other pills, and soon after that they stopped giving me out the pain medicine (I think it was called delotted) at an hourly rate and just kept it to the push button, for a just in case I were to feel a lot of pain and I would be able to get a quick release from the pain. About two days before I got out of the hospital, we were able to take off my PCA pump entirely, which made it easier to be escorted to radiation by ambulance. I was incredibly happy by the amount of progress that I was making and was so ready to get out. And today, I finally did.

I was able to take my first actual shower in over two weeks in the hospital, and boy, did it feel nice! I loved the feeling of actually getting my whole body drenched with water instead of being washed down with these stupid clothes, which resembled ones that you wipe a baby’s butt with- except that they were warm. I did not take as long of a shower as I will do tomorrow, because I had to get some paperwork given to me and send DeAngela off to get my discharge medication. I was surprised with how quickly they were able to discharge me this time, because all of the other times I had to wait around and be impatient to get the discharge papers and to see the doctor. I actually ended up seeing two of my doctors, Dr. Jolly and Dr. Adams. Dr. Adams was the main doctor who took care of me during that week and I am assuming that Dr. Jolly was there to take over for the next week. I was a little disappointed that Dr. Adams, a quiet, soft spoken man would not be able to attend my wedding, because he really opened up to me and talked quite a lot with me in the hospital, which was really nice. Dr. Jolly, however, said that he would be able to attend my wedding and that made me very happy! Yeah, I know I see my doctors, nurses, and radiologists on a regular occasion, but that does not mean that I dread seeing them! They made my life while in the hospital or in the clinic or in radiation much better, and I appreciate that completely for being as nice and as real to me as they could. Oh, and most of them have very nice senses of humor too. I can always appreciate a good laugh, or even a little giggle.

As I was leaving, I asked one of my nurses to add me on Facebook so I could invite her to my wedding, as well as a few other nurses who I had spent a lot of time with, whether it was this year or two years ago, I will always remember who took good care of me. She complied and I am now about to invite the nurses to my wedding as well. 

In the clinic, Tamara and Shelly made a flyer for my wedding, inviting only people who knew me, and added that I wish to be the only one wearing a white dress and also the only one in a floor-length dress. I thought this was really sweet, because I love my clinic nurses as well, and have spent a lot of time with them. I wrote down the details to the wedding and gave them to my radiologist Denise and asked her to spread it around for the whole radiology team so that they knew that they were invited and so they would have the information to be able to get to the wedding.

I also gave my blog information out to all of the nurses, and they have it in their break office so that they will have access to reading it- and hopefully spreading it around because I want to touch as many people as I possibly can. I also wrote down the address to my blog and gave it to the radiology team so that they could read what I write about as well, and sort of get an idea of what an impact they make on me.

Ok, so back to me getting out of the hospital, I can get a little off topic when I find something I feel a lot of passion about and just have the urge to write about it. So Dee and I took a wagon downstairs with all of my stuff that was leftover from my mom and dad taking trips home with certain items so I was not left with a room full of flowers and other such things to have to lug to the car. I have to say, after being mostly bedridden for 15 days, my legs are still not used to walking. It feels a little funky, like I have to learn how to walk again. I am not bad at walking, maybe a little clumsy, but I have not fallen, despite having a wristband that reads “FALL RISK” in all capitals. I am so glad for the exercise though, after laying down and sitting for over two weeks, it was nice to walk out to the car, not only once, but twice to return the wagon. And turns out that I had forgotten to take a PCA pump home. This confused me, because I am not attached to anything, but I had signed for it so technically it is mine. So I guess it is a just in case thing, as well as the oxygen tubes that I have in my garage.

Dee drove me to radiation (finally not having to be escorted by ambulance, I felt so free) and all of the radiologists were so excited to see me and were happy that I was done with my radiation after today, not that they were happy to get rid of me or anything. I gave hugs to all of my radiologists, including Dan,    Ben, Denise, and some other lady whom I had never seen before. Geoff wasn’t there so I was a little sad that I unable to say goodbye to him. But I will be seeing most of the radiologists at the wedding, and I am so happy that they will see me all dressed up in all white.

After radiation, we stopped by Tapioca Express, a favorite food place of mine because I was incredibly hungry. Dee dropped me off at home, as well as helped me unpack the car, and left because I told her I wanted some alone time, which I believe is understandable because I never really had any true alone time in the hospital, and I was in dire need of it. Oh, and I wanted to spend my alone time with my kitty Panda, but I don’t really think that counts against my alone time. I found Panda upstairs under my mom’s bed and he immediately came out to come see me- I knew he missed me. We ended up chilling downstairs while I attempted to eat my Tapioca Express food- chicken bites, fried zucchini, and curly fries, but I either have really, really bad heartburn or something with the radiation is making my throat hurt whenever I swallow something. I am leaning towards the damage of radiation, as I was told it could be a side effect. So I just ate my french fries and part of my boba drink (large mocha snowbubble with no tapioca to be precise) and decided that I could not put my throat through any more suffering for the moment. I picked up Panda and took about a three hour nap with him, until I had to wake up and go to the bathroom, in which he promptly took off to go play while I went back to bed alone for another 4-5 hours. Yeah, I was incredibly tired. You just do not get the same amount of sleep in the hospital as you do at home, because in the hospital you have to be monitored every four hours, which meant a blood pressure test, oxygen rate test, and a taking of my temperature. Not to mention waking up to take certain meds to be sure that all my pain would be covered. Then having breakfast come in at 8 in the morning, and again about half an hour later to pick up the menu and your choices of food for the next day. Yeah, not the same as being able to sleep in for as long as I wish and not getting woken up several times at night by a flashlight or a noisy nurse (luckily I did not have too many of them).

I woke up at around 8pm tonight and was in a great amount of pain because I was off my schedule for pain pills. So we quickly corrected that, and within thirty minutes I was feeling much better. I also had some late night visitors, who came at around 9. They were my old buddies from high school, who, while we might have lost touch with after graduation, we never had a falling out, so I was happy to have them take the time to visit me. Keith, one of my friends from kindergarten and from wrestling team, Alex, one of my friends who I met through wrestling my sophomore year, and Michael, who I met in 8th grade through wrestling and hung out with through mutual friends, all came over to see me. I was expecting (and at first demanded) a short visit, but I was feeling pretty darn good after my pain meds kicked in, that we talked for about two hours. It was so nice catching up with the good people who I had hung out with in high school, particularly my senior year. We joked around a lot just like old times, played with Instagram and looked at people who were thirsty for likes (aka attention from the opposite sex) and just talked about what we had done with our year. We also talked about different experiences that we had in college, as well as discussing who we all hang out with, where each other goes to college, and just reminiscing about the old days- not that any of us want to go back to high school. We are all so thankful to be in college and to have moved on from that point in life, and to being more mature than we were back in the days of high school. I truly relished their visit, not to mention I was given a funny card from them and the movie Sinister, and although I have already seen it, it is a scary movie that I will end up watching again, so thanks guys! They ended up leaving at 11 when Michael realized that he had to feed his dogs. Whoops!

When I first got home, I was also greeted with a lot of cards. Cards that congratulated myself and Egor on getting married. These cards were from people who I did not know, but all I do know is that they had to explain who they were on my mother’s side of the family. I don’t believe that I had met any of them, but it was incredibly sweet of them to reach out to me even though they do not know me either. Some of the cards were so cute! Although most of the messages that were left were of them explaining how they are related to me, they were still thoughtful. I also got a gift from my mom’s cousin (I think) Laura, whom I am friends with on Facebook. She gave me two hand-stitched hats because she thought I was going to lose my hair with this cancer- thank goodness that it hasn’t, but it was so nice of her to think of that. One is completely silly but so creative and cool, it has a dolphin in it and has some of the prettiest blues and greens in it. So since I will be in no need of these, I am going to donate them to the clinic where someone can actually enjoy the use of them and to cover their little bald heads. I think that is the best place for them.

So now my house is littered with balloons and flowers and blankets given to me, but I am just so glad to be home, and looking at all of these things make me really realize how loved I am, it really touches my heart.

I am unsure if I will be able to write another blog tomorrow night (if so it will probably be pretty late) as my college swim team has organized a weenie roast with a special guest (meaning me) so I have to make an appearance, not that you would have to give me any reason to go, because I love my swim team and I am excited to see them again! I will not be driving because I will be tired, so Dee will drive Mark (my brother) and I up there and we will all hang out with my swim team- they are very welcoming and generous people, so I know they will love DeAngela.

So goodnight, it is pretty late and I could use some more sleep with my kitty Panda! And I am so glad to be home at last!

I Feel Loved and Special

Posted by

1

Image

 

Today started out a little rough with a battle with the EMTs (this was a different crew) to let DeAngela ride on the ambulance with me. None of the other crews had any problem with it whatsoever, so I was very confused by this. My nurse Katya believed that they just did not want to take her with us. She defended me by saying that DeAngela is my support system, and that my family cannot be there because they are working. I even added in that I am terminally ill to see if they would change their minds, but all I got was “I do not want to get fired,” which I thought was insensitive. The EMTs made several calls and finally decided to allow DeAngela to ride in the front of the ambulance on my way to radiation. 

At radiation I found out how much of my body is being radiated, and I was shown through dots marked on my skin to outline how far the radiation is going. Basically my whole left chest, about midway to my stomach, and then on the back of those markings too. So that is quite a bit of radiation some sensitive areas- some sensitive enough to get burnt already, after only seven rounds of radiation. I was surprised by this and asked if it was normal, but yes it is normal to get sunburnt from radiation (as I know first hand from my leg) but my left nipple? Yes, I will admit where I am sunburnt. As embarrassing as it is, it is the reality of some of the strange things that come with getting treated for cancer.

I also found out today from Rebecca, my ex-chemo buddy/ bridesmaid’s mother, that I will be having a videographer at my wedding. I am beyond stoked about that, so that this wedding can be shown to people and remembered forever and cherished by my family, as I did with my mom and dad’s wedding video.

Rebecca has so many connections that it never ceases to amaze me. She set me up with one of her friends (who is a hairdresser) who is going to be doing my hair and makeup for me the morning of the wedding. Rebecca also set me up with a salon called EllaBlue, and they offered to do any and all services that they provided for free! This amazed me, I am probably just going to go with a mani-pedi and get my eyebrows waxed (for the first time, and mind you, I have not plucked them while in the hospital so they are not up to par). Unless the salon owner insists that I get another treatment, that will be more than enough for me, it is so generous.

So I did have another major annoyance today. My afternoon nurse is extremely slow and hardly speaks English. It is frustrating trying to communicate my needs and medication. She is very nice but I am unsure of how educated she is in the field of nursing. I had incredibly bad heart burn and wanted to get some medication to help it feel better. She had suggested ambien, which just happens to be my sleeping medication, and I said, rather annoyed,” Uh, no that is for bedtime and it helps me sleep.” She also suggested miralax, which is a stool softener… Yeah not what I needed for my heart burn. Eventually my mom and I made her call the doctor and he prescribed me Tums, and I cannot stand Tums, I swear they make my stomach worse than anything else, it’s just the chalky taste of it and everything about it. Gross. Too bad my chemo buddy Andrew likes them, I have no clue how that is even possible, but whatever floats his boat I guess!

My mom arrived at around 6pm tonight with a gift of Taco Bell, just what I had ordered. I only ate one burrito due to my heartburn and refusal to take Tums, but I was happy nevertheless. She also surprised me with a gift from someone who I did not even know: a painting made by the famous David Garibaldi. Yeah, the guy who paints with music and was featured on America’s Got Talent. I also heard that he just got flown in a private jet to Jay-Z’s mansion in order to paint a picture for him. The picture I got is beautiful and has a message on the back for me that says, “Lauren: Live with passion and purpose. Hope stands for hold on. progress en route.” This was such an awesome gift that will be hanging on my wall as soon as possible. I cannot measure any gifts on a scale of what the best gifts are, because they all came from the hearts of ones who love me, and just having people think about me in such a positive way is fantastic enough for me. For people to go out of their way to make my life/wedding/day a little easier is such a blessing. I truly appreciate that in a way that no words (despite my pretty vast vocabulary, if you ask me) can ever explain. 

My brother also came to visit me in the hospital! I was so thankful to see him, because I missed him a lot, despite being easily overly annoyed by him. He was on a cruise to Alaska and Canada for a week, so he hasn’t been able to see the progress with the wedding planning or with my medical problems either. I was hoping he would come see me before I got released from the hospital. He brought back a few souvenirs for me. He brought a decent sized moose stuffed animal, and on its back tag happened to say “wish” on it somewhere, so I was touched, although I am sure that he did not notice it at all, but I still thought it was cute. He brought me a kind of gag gift of an eagle hat that flaps its wings when you pull on a string. Perfect for me because I am quite the goofy person and do weird things like that all the time. If you have seen my goofy and weird moments, consider yourself lucky! It is kind of a thing I do more around my good friends or if I am in a fantastic mood- like I am now! I will Snapchat funny pictures to my friends and fiance. My fiance and I kind of get into a war of who can make the ugliest faces or just weird facial expressions in general. This proves how comfortable I am with him, so I truly am marrying my best friend, whether it is in a traditional way or not.

So I am done for the night, but today was overall a pretty good day if you asked me! And I am getting closer and closer to being released from the hospital and being able to take an actual shower! Woohoo!

Lazy Yet Productive Day

Posted by

2

I finally got to sleep in today! Thank goodness for not having radiation, I slept in until 10 and did not even manage to eat my breakfast. Luckily I had some leftovers from Olive Garden, which I sent my mom out to get me the night before, so I had some nice cheesy pasta to brighten up and start my day.

I had quite a few guests today, but for the first time I had some early guests. At near 11 Jeanne, Dianne, and Aly from the babysitting coop came by to offer their services and to say some words of support for me as well. I have known them for pretty much my entire life and they are a part of a pretty darn huge extended family.We all figured out that we are going to have a decoration and party favor making party a few days after I get home. Basically a lot of the babysitting coop will be over at my house (because we have enough room, although my cat will not be too pleased) to make a tons of crafts to make my wedding have a nice homemade touch, so it does not have the cookie cutter wedding effect. I am more than prepared to try extremely hard to make this wedding work and be perfect for me.

Egor’s (my fiance) mom Irina came by today to check up on me as well as help plan out the wedding with my mom, although Irina confessed that she has absolutely no experience in planning a wedding. Neither am I so that is not considered a bad thing whatsoever. I am actually enjoying planning this wedding. I know how to navigate the computer very well, and with the help of Pinterest it is becoming an easier and easier task. I can find literally anything I want to on the internet, but that does have its challenges because there are so many things to choose from that I get confused and have to choose between two awesome items or designs when I really want both. Yeah, that is a true First World Problem. But it has also made it possible for me to shop without leaving the hospital, because lets be honest, the wedding would not be as far without Pinterest and looking up ideas and dresses online.

At around 3:15, Eden and her mom Rebecca came by to spoil me with mashed potatoes and homemade friend chicken. Yum. As much as I was not hungry, I still wanted to eat more but would not risk having an upset stomach. Irina also brought some Russian food, made with lentils, turkey meat, zucchini, and other yummy items which we used as gravy for Eden’s mashed potatoes.

We all sat around and joked about funny stories for quite a while, then my mom and Irina started to find some poems and vows for the wedding. They were actually pretty darn successful if you were to ask me. I had totally forgotten about the vows and traditions for the ceremony and luckily my mom was on top of that!

Within thirty minutes of everyone arriving I had some surprise guests! Kevin (my bridesman and best friend since about 1st grade) and his brother Ryan (whom I have known since he was running around in diapers) decided to come visit me without telling me. This was a pleasant surprise as I have not seen them in quite a while, too bad I was extremely tired from all of the planning that I have been doing and from the radiation. At 5:30 I ordered to have Ativan from my nurse Robyn because I was getting tired and kind of nauseous, so this would allow me to fall asleep and take a nap. Right as I was getting the medicine, Irina, Eden, Rebecca, and my mom left to go back home. Kevin, Ryan, and my dad stayed behind while I napped because we are so comfortable around each other and do not feel the need to always entertain them. Eventually my dad kicked them out so I could continue to sleep without disturbance.

Since then, I woke up and am currently watching The Next Food Network Star, as I cannot get enough of food shows! Robyn came into my room today wearing a blonde mustache, so my dad and I immediately starting cracking up. This is the sort of thing that I love about staying in this hospital- everyone is so comfortable with each other and know how to have fun. Robyn even gave me a handful of mustaches to wear with my friends, nothing could be more perfect for our personalities!

Well, now I am going to get off and eat a huge cupcake before I go to bed!

Today I Feel… Bridal

Posted by

1

I was originally going to post this last night, and I had written what I believe to have been an amazing post- but the internet here in the hospital is kind of shoddy and did not save any drafts whatsoever and when I went to submit my post, it could not be posted because there was still no internet. I was very upset at the time and am still not too happy about having to remember what I had written yesterday and rewrite it again. So, here it goes!
With my last post being about surprises, it took me about 5 hours to write that one blog, and here is why: I started it at 11 at night after being put on all of my night pills and infusions which make me incredibly tired- but I felt compelled to write an incredibly long post because I had a lot to tell. Anyways, I kept on falling asleep and waking back up (all the lights were still on) whenever my night nurse would come in to check my vital signs or do whatever else it is they have to do at night. So I would wake up, write quite a few more lines down, and then fall back asleep. This continued until about 4 in the morning until I decided to finally buckle down and finish it once and for all. Then I finally got to go to sleep and hoped that I would get enough rest for my busy day to come.

When I woke up I was incredibly tired. I had to be up and ready by 11am in order to be picked up by the ambulance to travel 30 minutes to my radiation team. I woke up at about 9, which seems to be enough time to get ready and go, but I got very distracted when I had to check my Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, and FML like I do every single morning as part of my routine. I also had to eat some breakfast, and I eat incredibly slow now in the hospital just to make sure that I do not get sick off of inhaling something in the wrong pipe. Then came time to take my shower. Now, this is no ordinary shower that most people have probably have had the privilege to experience it. I basically have to wash my hair in the sink and then use these warm, wet wipes to “wash” down my body. I have to say that nothing can beat a shower at home.

So when 11am came, I was greeted by my EMTs for the day and I was incredibly relieved that they were not the same EMTs that I had for the last two days. They had been really impersonal and preferred to  talk to each other rather than the women they had to transport (DeAngela has ridden with me to my radiation appointments every day without fail). The undesirable EMTs also decided that it would be fun to run over a center divide right before going to the radiation center to save time and hopefully get there on time, although I do not understand the logistics of it, and we were even early for the appointment so the whole ruse was for nothing. Also, they know that they are dealing with a terminally ill patient who has quite a bit of pain, enough so I have a pain pump. Not to mention that having radiation on my organs makes me more nauseous, so what they did was entirely insensitive. They even requested me for a second day and I had no clue that I would be stuck with them again, so needless to say I wasn’t pleased. But I was so relieved when I got my new EMTs (who had apparently taken me on last Friday or Monday). They were much nicer and we could talk a lot with them.

Radiation went smoothly as usual, and I absolutely adore my radiologists, although I think I already said that… I had to take some xrays too of where they were radiating and my radiologist Ben was able to roughly sketch where I was getting my radiation- seems to be mostly a lot of my left lung and heart.

When I came back to the hospital after radiation I was just plain pooped. I could not even take a nap because I had a lot of my best friends coming over to hang out and watch movies. The people who came to visit were: Susette (my best friend as well as one of my bridesmaids), Eden (my ex-chemo buddy and also a bridesmaid), DeAngela (my best friend as well as my maid of honor), Nicole (an ex-teammate from the Gators and whom I competed against in college swim), Morgan and Stephanie McKibben (members of the babysitting coop whom I have known for many years). Susette and DeAngela (as well as my dad) stayed and watched movies with me, which included the scary movie Mama. I am a scary movie junkie, so I have watched most of the classic scary movies that everyone has seen and I have seen more of the very crappy/ almost funny because they are so bad. So naturally I was excited when it came to watching Mama. At one point, DeAngela got so scared and startled that she jumped up and screamed really loudly and scared my nurse, Robyn, who was in my room at the time. Robyn also screamed and jumped, so I was surprised that she did not drop any of the items that she had been carrying. My dad, Susette, and I all laughed so hard that I think we were crying. It was just the funniest thing to me.

Then Susette had to leave and a little while later DeAngela’s wrestling teammate from Kentucky (who just happens to live nearby here in Sac) came by and watched the rest of Mama with us and hung out a while after it had finished. Grant is funny and is not awkward around me or my dad- and my dad can be pretty intimidating with my dad’s different, but amazing sense of humor.

Speaking of my dad, he has been awesome through this whole process. He loves to hang out with me whether it is just walking around the park, swimming, or watching tv- which is normally what we do. We share the love of food and swimming and can be found constantly watching Food Network and the Discovery Channel. He always knows how to make me smile and how to encourage me through my hard times, but then he also knows how to bring me back down to earth and tells me things realistically. That is one thing I am very thankful about, he does not have to sugarcoat things so I know that whatever he is telling me is the truth. I love my dad.

Oh, and why was I feeling so bridal? I had on a white tank top with silver jewels on it that spelled out “Bride” given to me by my cousin. It is a pretty awesome shirt, and I felt very bridal wearing it.

So yesterday was a very good day, and I will probably post later tonight with more news.