My Day of Pampering!

Today I was woken up, not by my mom, but by my butthead of a cat, Panda. He was in my room at about 9 in the morning and was jumping on my bed and playing with some cords that are hanging off of a metal drawer that my mom has set up for important documents in the corner of my room. He probably played in my room for thirty minutes before becoming bored and leaving. I then actually got up at around 10:30 and promptly sat on the couch due to my burning esophagus. I caught up on the latest episode of “Catfish”, and again, was not surprised when yet another person had been led on through the internet. Man, are they dense! 

DeAngela came over at around 11 and we kind of just sat around watching tv, including my favorite daytime tv shows, “The Chew” and of course, “The Jerry Springer Show”. Yeah, I am so not afraid to admit that I watch that show. It is full of trashy people and ratchets, and I must say that it makes me feel so much better about myself! I am embarrassed to say that I do compare myself to these people though. While sitting on the couch I got quite a few phone calls, so I was feeling pretty darn popular. I believe the first one was from my case manager, Shelly. We were talking about my issue with my esophagus. She immediately sent for a medication to be filled for me at my closest pharmacy to try to alleviate my pain. My mom then called and basically told me exactly what Shelly had literally said minutes before. Then I had a call from the owner of Mikuni’s. This surprised me, and we talked for a little bit and he said that he was forwarding my wish for sushi at my wedding to his marketing team, so I am hopeful that I will get top-notch sushi for my big day (okay, mine and Egor’s big day). I also got a call from my social worker, Troy, to kind of touch base with me for my hospice care. At 3:30, Dee left for what I thought was running errands. I would later find out that is was part of a sinister plan that was in the making (okay, not sinister, but I believe it brings in some suspense).

My mom came home at 4:10ish to take me to my spa day. When we got there, I was surprised to see quite a few familiar faces at the salon waiting for me with balloons, champagne, and tiaras. All in all, the people who were there were Kevin, DeAngela, Sydney, Eden, Rebecca, Ken, Susan, my mom, and then me! The salon name is EllaBlue, and I was astounded by the generosity of the owner, Julie. She offered any and every service for my mom and I, for free. I got a manicure and a pedicure, my eyebrows waxed for the first time (which did not hurt at all), my eyebrows tinted to be a little darker, had my makeup done (testing out for the wedding), and got a spray tan. We all had a fantastic time with food catered by the Habit burger and Noodles and Co. Yeah, I guess you could say I have been spoiled this week, but I guess it is my wedding week, so I am not expecting this treatment after, trust me on that! I was also given a fantastic gift from Eden and her family- toasting glasses! They are beautiful and are engraved with my and Egor’s name and our wedding date. Cute! It was a long day of pampering, we were there for pretty much 4 hours, so I am pooped! Oh, and did I mention that Jamie from EllaBlue has offered and arranged time for me on Friday to give me a facial and eyelash extensions? She is also doing my makeup for my wedding day, if you did not already pick up on that. What a great person (and her crew were pretty darn cool as well).

I got to have a little bit of a mom and I night tonight, as when we got home I pigged out on some leftover Panda Express and brownie pops, trying to gain just a little bit of weight back from what I lost from only being able to eat when my heartburn was not bad. (Oh, and my new medication works like a charm! Thank goodness, I finally have some relief!) We watched some tv and now she is in bed, and I am thinking that I should do the same!

Tomorrow is Fourth of July, and I am pretty excited for it! I will be spending it with my friends and family at my dad’s house. We have a pool there and are holding a party there, which we have been doing since I was little. It will be full of people who I have known for my whole life, and they will all be present at my wedding as well, so I will be seeing a lot of them! I am looking forward to tanning (with actual sun this time) and hitting the pool with my friends and family. 

So, until tomorrow, yours truly,

Lauren

P.S. My case manager let me know that I will be able to get future radiation treatments, so I guess there is a little hope left for me, you never know, I might get that miracle! If not, I plan on staying alive at least until I turn 21. Gotta hit that mark!

My Emotional Rollercoaster!

Today I was woken up at about 11:45 because my mom called my cell phone, so I woke up to it blaring “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore. I have to admit, it is not the worst way to wake up, it could have been an ugly alarm sound but at least it was good music to pump me up in the morning. DeAngela was already in the house and was on the couch and answered the phone for me, then handed it to me, only for my mom to apologize for waking me up and that if I were going out anywhere, some of my medications need to be refilled (a suggestion that I should get my  meds refilled). 

Again, I was stricken by my heartburn-like symptoms, so I was not able to start on the buckets, unlike Dee. I got a phone call from Kaiser, at a number that I was unfamiliar with, as I have gotten a lot of calls from Kaiser and I normally recognize where they are calling from by the number. Turns out it was from the hospice department. She was saying that we were having an appointment at my house, that day, at 1:30. Um, what? I had no clue about any of this, so I was in shock to say the least, but I just went with it. I called my dad to let him know, and he said he would be over by 1:30 for the appointment. My mom also came home in time for the hospice worker to come over for a consultation. Naturally, being on hospice is never a good sign. I already know what is going to happen to me, but I try to not think about it at all and just bury it in the back of my mind. Having the lady there explaining about what hospice offers made my imminent death right front and center. As much as I want to stay positive and hope that everything will be okay in the end, I do not want to get that false hope in something that I have been guaranteed will happen. The hospice lady said that the best case scenario would be that I get kicked out in three months because I will no longer be terminally ill. I was given at most three months to live, however I plan on living longer than that. That is how I will stay hopeful- by living longer than I was told I would. Not getting cured, because that is an incredibly long shot, but just living long enough to fully accept what will happen to me. As much as I say that I have accepted the fact that I am going to die at a young age, I really haven’t thought about it too much. And I often say that I am more worried about how my friends and family are going to cope without me and deal with my loss; however I am scared to die. Straight up, I do not want to die. I feel like I have so much more to offer the world than I have in the past 20 years. If I had another 20, I believe that I could really contribute a lot to society. I have always wanted to start a family, as I know for a fact that I would be a good mom (if you see the way I treat my cat Panda then you would understand as well) and would raise a great child. I will not be able to accomplish that, but I will be able to be a good wife for the time that I have left. A great one, in fact. I have seen what it takes to have a successful relationship, what not to do and what to do, first-hand so I have learned so much from what I have seen. Whether it is from my friends’ relationships, my mother’s, and my friends of family’s relationships, I always take notice of the little things that make a great and lasting relationship. As much as this marriage won’t be lasting a very long time, it is taking into account the “through sickness and in health”, “for better or for worst”, “until death do us part.” I guess that is all that I can truly ask for in a marriage. So I will have to thank Egor for marrying me- I cannot thank him enough for making me his bride. It takes a lot of courage to jump into a marriage, especially one where you have not dated each other. At least we are best friends and always will be, this will make us even better best friends.

Oh, I guess I got a little off track. The hospice appointment is not exactly what I thought it was going to be like. Mostly just saying what they offered, such as 24/7 nurses available, volunteers available, etc. And some paper signing, mostly confirming that we understand what was offered to us. I started crying, because talking about me dying is an incredibly sensitive subject, so my parents were hugging me and supporting me while I was wailing. I absolutely hate crying in front of anyone and try not to at any cost, but I just had to let it go. Even the hospice lady cried for a second- somehow I think that they do not have as many cases of young people going into hospice, so this really touched her. After learning how to use my oxygen machine, the lady left.

My dad and DeAngela stayed to watch some tv about extreme couponers, whom we all agree on are hoarders and greedy little pigs. They need to not have this huge stockpile of food and supplies that will expire by the time they use them. They need to donate a lot of their items, otherwise it is such a waste, no matter if they spent any money on the items or not. Then we ended up watching River Monsters, which is much more interesting. Man, there are some crazy scary fish out there!!! 

Eventually everyone left and I sat on the couch watching another program on animal planet while waiting for Chopped to come on. My dad came back to watch that show with me, as we share the love of that show. Tuesday nights are Chopped nights with my dad.

Jeanne came over to go over the vows and other things, as she is going to be the officiant for my wedding. While she is nervous, she is so excited to be representing something so important in my wedding. 

Well, I am pretty darn tired right now, so I will stop writing right now! Goodnight, and I cannot wait for my wedding in a few days! Woohoo!

Your Soon-to-be-Bride,

Lauren =]

Decoration-Making Party!

Today I woke up at about 1:30pm, which is absolutely crazy for me. I thought that my waking up a bit after 12 was bad, but this is a new late for me! I guess I should not be too surprised that I slept in that late as I did stay up until about 12 last night, but still! I guess my body really does need to recover from the radiation damage on my organs. When I woke up, DeAngela was already here and had quietly started working on the buckets. I joined her almost right away after I had woken up, and found out that she had barely just started putting sequins on the buckets, frantically trying to catch up to the amount of sequin work that I had done (we were working on different parts of the buckets). I worked on the buckets for a little while until my “heartburn” started really acting up, so then I vacated to the couch to try to let my esophagus calm down. By the time I got back to the projects, Dee had not only caught up to me, but exceeded what I had done with the buckets, so I was very pleased- I love a good race. Eden came over at about three today to help me with the buckets. Eden’s mom Rebecca also delivered to me some of the containers for the tropical juice that I had posted about in my last post. I was so happy! This means that I do not have to purchase my own juice dispensers and can use the money for whatever else is needed for the wedding, or for my long list of things I wish to accomplish before I leave this world. After Rebecca left Eden, DeAngela, and I to continue our work with the decorations, we found out that we were going to run out of sequins for the buckets before we could finish all 21 of them (we went through a lot of sequins). DeAngela’s sequin job (she was in charge of working with blueish sequins) ended early because she would not have enough to even finish another bucket. She then left so she could hang out with her family and run some other errands. Eden and I continued to work on our part of the buckets until we just about ran out of sequins as well. Dee promised to bring over more sequins tomorrow when she comes over so we can finish the project once and for all.

At about 5:30 I took my shower for the day. Yeah, I know later than usual, but I started the day pretty darn late, so I think that is a good enough excuse. We also had a bunch of babysitting coop ladies coming over to decorate 150 fans to make sure that my wedding guests do not get too hot, although it is supposed to cool down for my wedding weekend, yippee! And by the way, the fans look fantastic, pun intended. My mom provided the working ladies with Panda Express and some wine-coolers, what a better way to treat our guests? I think all that one needs to get people over to help out is an offer of food and beverages. I am not going to give up any secrets on how my fans look though, other than the fact that they look damn good and go with my beach theme very nicely.

Today I was greeted by a very awkward message from someone I went to high school with but was not close to. It kind of came out of nowhere, and I will be honest, I did not know what to expect at first. This person told me that they had done some research on cancer treatment and wanted to give me tips that might save me. (What? This person has no authority to give me tips or anything about cancer, at all.) They were suggesting that I would eat no foods with GMOs or extra chemicals (by the way, I had done a lot of research on GMOs for an essay in English, and there is absolutely no proof that they are bad for you at all). Then they added something about cannabis oil being said to cure it if it is injected (again, what?) as well as saying that hemp seeds hold a lot of different nutrition. Um, in my diet I get plenty of nutrition, and besides, antioxidants are terrible for people who already have cancer and are getting chemo, as chemo is an oxidant, which means it would completely counteract with the chemo. I just felt it was an ignorant statement and I was offended by it. My doctors are doing tons of research (and did I mention that I have four amazing oncologists?) to try to prolong my life. If there was a simple cure like a change in diet then naturally they would have told me about it right away. I trust my doctors with my life, and I know they are doing whatever they can to make me live as long as possible.

Sorry, I tend to rant a little when I get upset about these sorts of things. It’s like, do not talk cancer to me if you have no idea about anything to do with it. If you have not been diagnosed yourself with it or work with it on a daily basis, then you have no reason to be discussing treatment or tips for me. I will take tips from my fellow chemo buddies on what meds they take to make themselves less nauseous, and I have before and so appreciated it. Ok, I think I am done with this topic…

But the wedding is almost here! It is crazy, I am so excited and I know that it will be a wedding to remember. I still have a bit of work to do with the decorations, but it will not take too much more work to get them all done. On Wednesday I am going to get my nails done and get a facial, and whatever else the owner of EllaBlue wants to give me. Oh, and I will finally get my eyebrows waxed… I have not plucked them in way too long and they are driving me crazy, as I am very OCD about them looking nice. I will also be tanning out my awesome swim tanlines. I am pretty stoked about that.

Well, since I have a lot of work to do tomorrow, I am going to end this post now! Goodnight!

Yours truly,

Lauren

Getting Ready for the Wedding- My Turn for Physical Work!

So yesterday I was not able to post because I was literally falling asleep at 9 while browsing on the internet. Clearly, the power of the radiation has made me a bit less of a night owl than I have been in the last month, which is a shame because I love writing my blogs at around 10 or 11 every night.

Yesterday I slept in until about 12, which is more than I have slept in for years, at least that I can think of, because I like waking up a bit earlier so as to not waste the day, even though most of the time I will spend the extra daytime to watch tv and surf the internet, but for some reason sleep seems like more of a waste of time- don’t ask, it is one of my weird quirks.

Anyways, I was lazy most of the day until about 2, when my mom came back from Shane Co. with the wedding band that I had chosen (as another company had messed up and shipped the wrong ring, which was gold rather than the white gold that I had ordered) and picked up the silverware and dinner plates for the wedding at probably four different Smart and Finals. You could say she probably took the whole stock of dining ware from each of the stores, which I find pretty darn funny. She also went to K-mart (I don’t remember why she did) and found a perfect pair of wedding shoes there for herself, which is amazing, because K-mart is not where you expect to find cute shoes.

When my mom got back from all of her errands, we went shopping for shoes for myself at DSW. I found the cutest sandals with lots of bling that are comfy enough to stand in all day. You could say that I fell in love with the shoes, and they will go fantastic with the dress- as my dress is the perfect length for sandals. 

After finding the perfect shoes, which took no time at all, we stopped by my favorite sushi restaurant to try to get them to cater for the wedding. Unfortunately, they open at 12 and I would need the sushi by 10. I was not pleased by this at all, because a lot of people are expecting sushi (including me) so I will have to ask a lot more sushi restaurants if they can cater at the early time, because it has been my dream to have sushi at my wedding, especially since it is a beach themed wedding. After the disappointing visit, my mom and I had a much more successful time at Michael’s, an arts and crafts store. I always love shopping at Michael’s because they have incredible finds that you would never expect to find. We found tons of great things to decorate the wedding favors and for the actual decorations for the  tables and other places. We found shells, cute and beachy stickers, sequins in many shapes and colors that go with the theme, and just other goodies that I will find good use for. After that, my mom and I headed towards the Hallmark store for toasting glasses but came up empty handed- the only things they had were literally hillbilly goblet-like champagne glasses, and those certainly were not going to work. Then we went next door to a Target to look for miscellaneous other goodies. We ended up getting a lot of soccer cones, which surprised me, because I had no idea what they could possibly be for. My mom later explained that it was for marking out certain parking spots for my grandparents, as my grandpa has a hard time getting around, so he will get a spot nice and close to the ceremony. We also bought some diet cat food for my kitty Panda, as he is no longer an outdoor cat. We bought some cute pinkish-coral buckets to hold the silverware that will be bundled in napkins to make setup for lunch at the wedding faster and easier. We also picked up some cold drinks at the register because the 100 plus degree weather was wearing us down was not too pleasant. As we were heading back to the car, I got a call from a number that I thought was my dad, reminding me to come over to call the bank so that my recent (and somewhat suspicious) purchases can be confirmed by me so that they do not freeze my account. However, when I answered “Hi Dad,” I was greeted with the voice of a woman. The woman’s name is Cricket, and I have known her for a very long time due to my swimming with her daughter since I was 12. I was shocked that she had called me and told me that her daughter, Courtney (whom I also swam with, but not as long) and some of her army friends (yes she is in the army as well) had raised some money to help me with the wedding. This really touched my heart, because I was not really close to Courtney, and her troop members cared enough about my situation that they would give their hard-earned money to someone that they did not know. Cricket told me that Courtney had read this blog and was moved by it, enough to raise money for me and my big day. After I got off of the phone with Cricket, my mom and I drove to my dad’s house- not only to clear up the suspicions of my spending, but also to let Cricket come by and give me the check. It was a brief visit at my dad’s house because I was utterly exhausted from just a few hours of shopping and I needed to lie down to recuperate my tired body. 

Now onto today’s activities! I slept in until about 11:30 today, despite going to bed by 9:30. My heartburn-like symptoms continued again with the start of the morning. I was also pretty nauseous, so thanks radiation for all of these nasty side effects, however the benefits of breathing far outweigh the negative side effects of discomfort/pain. I took some of my meds to try to make the pain more bearable, and they did the trick for the most part. I still was uncomfortable so I stayed on the couch until about 2:30, when I took a shower to get ready for my future mother-in-law’s visit (she had tried to call me but I was asleep, so at about 12 she called my mom asking to visit and to help out with the decorations, which was fantastic in my book). At around 3 Irina came and brought over some decorations of her own and some beautiful big shells that can be placed throughout the wedding if it will look good. I showed Irina what the collages are going to look like- there is one of just me, one of just Egor, and one of us together (which is my personal favorite, it is so cute!). I then showed her the wedding band that I had chosen for Egor, and she happily approved of it. Irina then had a surprise for me- a necklace made of three rings of pearls. They are beautiful, and i know it will go perfectly with my dress. My mom was a little jealous because she wanted me to wear her pearl necklace, but in the end I will choose which one looks best on me on my wedding day. 

About twenty minutes later, DeAngela came to help out with decorating 21 buckets for the 21 tables. The buckets are going to hold the silverware, which will be wrapped in napkins, so naturally they have to be decorated and nice and beachy. I have always felt that homemade decorations look much better than store-bought ones, especially when it comes to weddings. It creates more of a personal connection to the wedding, and even though it makes for a whole lot more time and effort spent on them, they are always worth making. I must say, I am pleased with the work that Irina, my mom, Dee, and I accomplished today. Tomorrow, with the help of Eden, we will be able to finish the buckets. We spent about two hours today working on them and are only completely finished with some components of the buckets, but with our group of three we will be able to finish them in probably another two hours, not too bad in my book.

After my mom and Irina finished their part of the buckets, I decided it was time for Dee and I to stop with ours, especially because my back was starting to hurt and I was already getting tired (again, thank you radiation). I vacated to the couch to get some rest for my back, as well as some rest in general. At this point, my dad came over so we could watch some Food Network, a show that we share together. Irina left so that she could make dinner, although we offered for her to stay and eat some enchiladas that Carl (my mom’s boyfriend) brought over from a friend. So it was my dad, mom, Mark (my brother), Dee, and I eating enchiladas and watching Iron Chef America. At 8, when the show was over, I politely texted Dee and asked her if I could just have some family time, and she obliged. Then my dad, Mark, and I watched a new Discovery Channel show titled Naked and Afraid. It was really weird; people have to survive in their birthday suits for three weeks off of the land, whether it is Costa Rica or in Africa. It is a new concept of the people not wearing any clothes whatsoever, I would need a pair of shoes, underwear, and a sports bra at the least in order to try to participate in that show. Also, the people lose about 25 lbs each, which is more than I can afford to lose. I am watching my second episode of it right now, and I have to say each person on it could lose a little bit of weight (although in a healthy way) and look and feel much better. However, losing it in just three weeks, it was a little scary. Oh, and I am the only one watching this episode about two people surviving on the African Serengeti, and I have to say it is much easier to write when I am by myself, all of my ideas just flow when I am alone. So the first part of my writing started at 8 when I was not alone because I wanted to actually write a blog today instead of falling asleep and leaving people possibly worried that something has happened to me, other than just being incredibly tired.

Well, now I am going to go to end this blog, tomorrow will be filled with more decorating and possibly me buying more sequins and beads and whatnot for the wedding, as well as two glass containers to disperse tropical fruit juice for the wedding, just to feed to the beach theme.

My Bipolar Day

Today I woke up and was happy to see that my dad was still in the hospital. Turns out that he had taken the day off because he had some errands of some sort to run, but it meant that he could spend a little bit more time with me in the morning. I was expecting Eden to come at around 10 so I decided that I had to get ready a little bit earlier than I normally do. Eden came a little bit earlier than I had thought, so while I was washing my hair and body she went to hang out with the nurses until I was all nice and clean (in a hospital sense of clean). When I was done she came back to hang out with me and while my dad went to get breakfast downstairs. Eden always talks about how much she loves talking to me and just hanging out with me alone, because we have so much in common and we have shared our cancer experiences together. So while talking, my nurse Carole came in with a blonde mustache attached to her face. We immediately started laughing, and I had to get out the mustaches that Robyn handed me a few days earlier. Eden and I put on our blonde mustaches and joined the fun! We were taking pictures and videos when DeAngela came in, so she had to join in the action- although the blonde definitely was not her color. Eden’s stache was a thin one, kind of french looking if you asked me. My mustache looked like something a deputy would have, while DeAngela’s stache was one that matched with a sheriff’s.
When my EMTs came, Eden left and DeAngela and I kept our mustaches so we could surprise my awesome radiologists. I really liked the EMTs that I had today. They were extremely nice and had no problem whatsoever with taking DeAngela with them. In their own words, “She could even want to stop by McDonald’s and we wouldn’t care,” So they were already winners in my heart. They were three heavy set men with a sense of humor that I could enjoy. With one of them, DeAngela and I felt comfortable enough to have more adult conversations with, and we were all very open about everything and talked about random, funny subjects such as the concept of the teenage parents who refuse to believe that their kids might have sex and will not provide them with proper birth control to him sneaking into his college girlfriend’s room during Thanksgiving Break at a religious school and almost getting caught. This was by far the most fun I had while I was in the ambulance, and I guess it did not hurt that I was unattached to my IV pole the whole time. The ambulance driver was very considerate and took the long way to radiology because the short way is very bumpy and can cause stomach aches. This gave me a new view from the back of the ambulance that I hadn’t seen in all the other 8 times that I was taken to get radiation.

Radiation went smooth as usual, and the radiologists all appreciated the mustaches, so Dee and I took them off when we left. I invited all of my radiologists to my wedding because they have played a very important role in my life in the past two years. 

When I got back, Eden, Ashleigh, and her mom visited my room and we talked for about thirty minutes, as Ashleigh had chemo that day and was in Ativan Land, so she was getting quite sleepy. I love being able to talk about the experiences that I have had during my battle with cancer and I love being able to give tips to people of what to take advantage of and what to stay away from. When they left Dee and I were alone for about twenty minutes until my old neighbor and girl I grew up with who is in the babysitting coop with me named Kelsey came by with beef teriyaki and rice for my lunch. She also brought by a gift from the kids of the babysitting coop. It was a star named after me. What a great way to leave behind part of my legacy than to have a star named after me? I thought it was really cute. Kelsey, DeAngela, and I were watching Identity Thief (which I was not very interested in and did not think was very good at all) when someone knocked on the door and it turned out to be one of my best friends from high school Eric and his mother. I had totally forgotten that he had asked to come by and that I was really excited to see him. Go figure, I will blame it on the chemo brain, even though I haven’t had chemo in about three weeks or so. But he came in bringing the most beautiful bouquet of flowers with plenty of roses- which smelled fantastic by the way. I was so glad that he came at the perfect moment, so I talked with him and his mom while Kelsey and DeAngela continued to watch the movie. I was so glad to be reunited with Eric since I had not seen him in quite a while, so we had a nice long embrace when we saw each other. His mom asked if there was anything food-wise that we needed for the wedding, and I answered honestly that we could use a few more small bites for the cocktail hour. She responded by saying that she could make 300 egg rolls, half with pork and half vegetarian. I was floored with her offer and quickly accepted, graciously of course. She then asked if we needed any fruit, and I responded again with a “yes”. She had the best idea of what to do with the fruit so I am going to keep that a little secret, but it was a cute idea. I was originally supposed to help her make it (well I offered to help so I could learn) and it turns out that the mother works during the day before the wedding and was planning on making the fruit fantasia during the evening of July 5th. However, I am going to be rehearsing for my wedding at that time, so I guess I will have to let her know what the new plan is. But nevertheless, I am incredibly excited for the whole wedding, if not a little nervous.

So at the end of the day I ended up being really emotional and kind of sad, because it was confirmed that the love Egor has for me is friendship love, and it will not bloom into the romantic love that I was really hoping for. I am glad that he has been honest about it during the whole time, but I still had a little hope. I started crying because I want to be in love at least once in my 20 years of living and it does not seem like that will happen, I will have to settle for true friendship love. And I am grateful that Egor is willing to marry me with all of the friendship love that he has for me. So unfortunately for me, we will not be consummating the wedding. That is another problem I will have to deal with. I have needs that all grown women at the age of 20 have- in fact every woman has them. This is me writing in my honest state of mind- I just want to be able to be touched and loved by a man (more of lust but I am a little embarrassed to write that).

I got a letter today from a family member today that really touched me and made me cry. This family member has been going through a tough time and has been thinking of giving up, but because of me he has hope again. Because I am still battling a battle that is most likely unwinnable, and he has a life that he can still live out even though things are hard. Hearing things like these are reinforcing some of the reasons why I try to write every night. I want to inspire people to never give up and to live their lives in the best way that they can. I want people to realize that their lives could be worse and that they should be thankful for their health. I want people to understand what I am going through in the most real way possible, mostly without censoring it to keep it as raw as possible. I want people to stop complaining about stupid boy problems, friend problems, family and money problems and to realize that life could be so much worse, and that no one likes people who complain constantly about stupid, little things. I want to inspire people not to give up on their lives.

And on one last note for the night, I get out of the hospital tomorrow and I also have my last radiation treatment tomorrow as well. I am elated to be going home and I cannot wait to be there to relax, spend time with my family, and of course, cuddle with my kitty for the longest time, as he is the only family member who I have not been able to see in the two weeks that I have been here. So yay to getting out of the hospital!!!

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Carole and I rocking our mustaches. Thought you might enjoy this picture.