Author: swimchicklauren

Back in the Pool

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Trying to stay in shape! Glad to be back in the pool, was in for about an hour.

I promised that I would get back in the pool and I delivered! I have been in for the past two days and I have been able to work out for about an hour. Now it hasn’t all been swimming, considering that I have only one working lung. My best friend and I push each other to keep working out harder so that we are both able to be our best that we can be. I can honestly say that I am incredibly sore, and man I am really able to create a great workout.

I figure that staying in the pool as long as possible and working out as much as I can will be incredibly beneficial for me. Getting the vitamin D while I can, keeping in shape, and keeping my tan will all make me feel like myself which should cause a decrease in my stress. Hopefully this will help me keep my hair!

I figure that keeping in shape should also help my body deal with the harsh chemicals of chemo. I can use all of the help that I can get!

I get my blood drawn two times a week just to make sure that my blood counts are good and that I do not need a blood transfusion, platelet transfusion, or stay away from crowds because my white blood cells are too low. Already, my veins are shot. They still haven’t recovered from my first diagnosis two years ago. Basically, the veins on the other sided of my elbow are extremely tiny and are not happy at all. Even with a whole year to recover, my veins are still just as bad as they were at the end of my treatment in 2012. This is unfortunate because I am sure soon enough the  phlebotomists will have to use the veins in my hands. Luckily, I have been given numbing cream- and that stuff really works! I cannot even feel when they poke me with a needle if I have the cream on, so it truly is a life saver. 

I am going to be going to the drive-in movies tomorrow and I cannot wait! I love getting out as much as I can while I feel as good as I can, I guess having one whole week where I spend a majority of my time in the hospital really makes me want to escape!

Hair Trouble… Still Undefined!

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Well, my hair is still coming out pretty darn easily if I hardly pull it. It is disheartening, but I am still hopeful that all it is is stress. I mean, who wouldn’t be stressed out to find out that they have cancer for the second time, aka 1/10 of their life? I certainly am stressed out more than any final has ever made me, more than any guy problems have ever caused me, and more stressed out than any big swim meet has made me. As much as I choose to try to ignore my health problems, I am sure subconsciously my body is under a whole ton of pressure. With the chemicals, the sudden lack of working out, and the increase of sitting on the couch, I am sure that my body is not very happy with me. 

In other news, I am no longer feeling nauseous or feeling any sort of chemo aftermath for that matter. Well, except my teeth and gums are very sore which makes me want to kind of bite at my cheeks and inside of my lips, that is about it for my side effects. My cold is finally going away, which is a relief because it was just adding insult to injury- so not needed in my case.

My left lung is feeling iffy still. When I yawn or breathe in deeply it still hurts, but I will be able to workout without a problem. I cannot wait to get another chest xray to see how the fluid in my lung is doing- preferably decreasing as it has been. Chemo should be helping get rid of the fluid and should help with the reinflating of my lung, considering that the tumor(s) which caused the lung to collapse will be shrinking.

I really miss my swim friends. I miss not seeing them every day for at least two hours a day. I even miss having the hard sets with them at practice. It is so weird for me not to see the people who I have spent the last five months with. Considering that I am no longer in the same area as they are, I live around 100 miles away from my school normally, it is difficult to catch up with them on a regular basis. As much as I know I will be seeing them for the next spring semester, it still is hard knowing that I will not be running into them at school because I will not be attending school in the fall semester. I will be taking one online class, but I am not going to be going to school very often unless there is a water polo game scheduled when I am feeling decent.

To end my post, I went online shopping yesterday and got a new practice suit. I am extremely excited for it to come in- I already have so many two piece practice suits, but you could say I am addicted to them. I also got two pairs of shorts and a shirt… I guess you could say I was treating myself after finishing up my semester as well as my last essay for a while. I wish I would be doing enough stuff and being active enough to post what I have been up to every day, but I think I would run out of things to say. I do hang out with my best friend DeAngela every day, but a lot of the time we sit on the couch and just relax. Although tomorrow, I promise I will go swimming and make her come with me, we both need the exercise to keep our summer bodies in check! So goodnight and I will keep you guys posted… for sure about my hair problems!

My First Real Freakout

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So on Saturday night, as my mom was away at her boyfriend’s tennis tournament, my dad was in charge of taking care of my needs (not too much, mind you, more of just keeping me company while I am recovering from the week’s chemo). I started to notice that when I run my hands through my hair or kind of pull it, quite a few strands fall out. Every time I did that, more hair would fall. So naturally, I freaked out and thought that my hair was going to fall out just as it had two years prior. I did not cry the first time that my hair fell out because I was not that attached to it. However, this time it means something new to me, and it is finally at an acceptable length where people do not think I am sick or a lesbian or get weird looks from strangers. I actually get compliments on my short hair. So naturally, I cried when I believed that my hair was falling out. I am not much of a crier at all, but I was genuinely scared about how this would impact my summer.

I did not want to be stared at during the whole summer. I did not want the wrong kind of attention, and not having the hair made me really self conscious. I was always feeling like the girl who no one wanted. I mean, I’m pretty sure that having hair is on top of most guys’ dateable list. Not to mention the fact that having cancer already makes it a little awkward to start dating. For me, I felt like I wasn’t special enough for someone to take a chance on me while at my worst.

Luckily, with my hair grown at the length that it is, I feel normal and confident. You would never know not only that I had cancer, or that I am currently battling it. It took me a while to cool down from my freakout, and I realized that I am just shedding like the average person, and I am simply not used to it because I basically did not have hair for two years. As long as clumps are not falling out of my head I am in the clear. Because if there is something I know about, it is hair loss! I’ve been around it with my friends and had my experience with it.

In other news, I am done with chemo for two weeks! This is the time that I will start to feel good and be able to go out and about! Unfortunately, I caught a cold so I am very stuffed up! Not what I was hoping for but it is nothing to get me put in the hospital, so I will take it. I’ve been feeling progressively better and will get in the pool tomorrow, despite the fact that it will hurt my sinuses. That is something I am going to have to deal with to keep up with having a normal summer and a normal me. I haven’t lost or gained any weight, which is a miracle considering that with chemo a lot of people lose their appetites, however mine has not been affected.

Hopefully I will get my grand start to summer tomorrow! Meeting new people at the club where I swim at and keep my tan. Goodnight. =] 

Last Day of Chemo for Two Weeks!

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I am so glad that I am done with my chemo until June 16th. This will give my body a chance to recover from all of the horrible chemicals that have been put in it. I talked to one of my four oncologists today and we decided that at least at the moment, radiation is not a good option. Considering that I have tumor cells all around my left lung casing, the radiation would be given on my whole left lung, which is a vital organ that should not be highly radiated. It could potentially cause damage and have less function in it. Not to mention the possibility of getting another type of cancer from the radiation. So it was decided that until I get further scans done after a few more rounds of chemo that radiation is a last resort type of treatment.

In other news, my mom sent an email to Summer Sanders, who happens to be an Olympic Gold Medalist I met at Olympic Trials in Omaha Nebraska. My mom explained all that had happened with me, my accomplishments in swimming such as getting in the top 10 times in 50 backstroke for my school, getting second place in 50 backstroke in conference, making it to state, and getting an All American time in my 50 backstroke as well- all within a few months of training after two years of lazing around and getting treatment. And also relapsing. Cannot forget that big detail. But anyways, Summer Sanders sent me a video from a hotel she was staying in in New York- that very night that my mom emailed her. Talk about being a great role model! She really cares about her fans and cares about me as a person, she always made sure to see me every day while I was attending the Olympic Trials (watching, mind you, not swimming, it was my wish granted by Kids Wish Network). It made my heart feel very big to know that she cared enough to make a video late at night, not all dressed up, and was being completely real.

Today, the cafeteria was closed yet again so we had some amazing food trucks as our meal options. I was being a little piggy and ate half a catfish poboy sandwich, a cheeseburger with bacon, bbq sauce, and fried onion strings.. not to mention a side of fries! I am glad that my appetite is staying up because I have a certain weight that I like to stay in between, and that is 125-128lbs. If I go under it, I feel unnaturally skinny and weak, and somehow I have a feeling that during this kind of chemo that I am on will not make me lose weight, or gain it for that matter as I am going to be hopping back in the pool tomorrow at the earliest and Monday at the latest. I have to stay in shape so I can go back to school in the Spring and be in better shape than I was last time. I would love to accomplish some more of my swimming goals and get more best times to where I will be faster than I was in high school and in my first year of college.

Overall, today was a pretty good, noneventful day, watched The Hobbit in the hospital and was actually able to watch the whole team without passing out from Ativan. I have always been a sucker for the Lord of the Rings movies.

Letting Reality Sink in (For the First Time)

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Kevin taking funny pictures of me while I sleep

Kevin taking funny pictures of me while I sleep

I guess my sadness is coming through right now because of how scared I am that the doctors cannot surgically remove any tumors because the lining of my lungs, or the pleural cavity, it is very unusual. I have to ask my doctors if indeed I can still go through with radiation because it seriously works with my type of cancer. I keep on thinking about the things I would like to accomplish before I die or get rediagnosed… I am trying not to keep my hopes up to be disappointed, so I will do everything in my power to have a fun and active life.

Today I was visited by my best friend Kevin in the hospital for my outpatient chemo, and of course was in tow with my other bff DeAngela who is taking care of me while she is having summer break. My mom is paying her for the work, considering it takes just about eight hours to get to and from my house (including my chemo). We hung out with my chemo buddy Andrew, as he has the exact same cancer as I do and is only a year younger than I am, and it sure is nice to talk to someone who is going through the same difficulties and compare side effects.

Once I got my Ativan for the start of my chemo I fell asleep and attempted to watch some of the new Batman movie with DeAngela and Kevin, but with no luck. Then again, I would rather be sleeping than feeling nauseous. Today, unfortunately, I am nauseous for the first time and am not in a very fantastic mood. I can only hope that I feel better tomorrow and will be able to start the day off fresh. As long as my cat decides to sleep with me and not be hyperactive, I will immediately feel better.

Starting my 2nd Round of Chemo

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This is day two of my 2nd round of chemo. Luckily for me, the chemo has been a lot easier on my body than the first time I had cancer. I have still not lost my hair and have not vomited, so I have hope on this one. I am going to be trying to keep my summer and then fall and winter fun and as normal as I possibly can.

One thing that truly scared me was when I was told that when ewings sarcoma relapses, its really not a good thing at all. I have a very big possibility of relapsing multiple times in my lifetime, I am just hoping that it is not going to be the thing that ends up killing me. This is scary, it means that I have to live my life as much as possible every single day (except for chemo days) . I am going to start a bucket list of things that I will accomplish before I die (whether that be in a few years or when I am in my 90s.)

  • Fall in love
  • Go skydiving
  • Ride in a helicopter
  • Go parasailing
  • Swim with dolphins
  • Getting a tattoo (once I am done with my chemo for this relapse)
  • Have a Christmas on the beach sipping on an alcoholic beverage
  • Learn to Bartend
  • Take a striptease class with my best friends
  • Cook a stellar meal using my Food Network knowledge
  • Learn how to use the grill
  • Go backpacking (it seems like I will soon with my other chemo buddy)
  • Throw a massive party where nothing gets broken or stolen
  • Volunteer at a Hospice Center
  • Do some gardening
  • Be able to run a mile again with my extremely messed up leg
  • Take a roadtrip
  • Eat something exotic and completely out of the norm
  • Go to a nude beach and actually go nude
  • Go to my college of choice, Florida Gulf Coast University, and be a contributing part of their Division 1 swim team
  • Become a nurse
  • Eventually get married

I would love to get all of these things accomplished before I die… Not saying that the doctors or anyone are saying that I am going to die, but there is something kind of solemn when they talk about all of the tumor spots in the lining of my lungs (aka the pleural cavity). Instead of just having one distinct tumor, I have many in the pleural cavity so surgery is out of the question. Although the lung fluid is not cancerous and my bone marrow biopsy was also negative, this is still scary about how bad my lung is infected by the cancer.

What all this means to me is that I need to live each day like it’s my life. I need to have as much fun and accomplish as much as I can while I still feel good, because I will never know when/if I will relapse again. And god knows that third times the charm. But on the positive side, ewings sarcoma does react very well against radiation. So I am hoping that even if I do get rediagnosed the radiation and chemo combination will work well like it has done in the past.

Now I am both scared and mad at my situation, because I really do not understand how something like this could happen to me- as I am intelligent, genuinely nice, athletic, and have a great future ahead of me and I am annoyed at all of these drawbacks. It makes me feel like when I have to explain that I am a 20 year old freshman that I got held back and that I am just another dumb blonde. But I am extremely ambitious, so I plan on going though this with my stubborn, nonquitting attitude. 

Surgery and Chemo Aftermath- 3 weeks

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Well, I guess that I should continue writing here on a more regular basis in order to keep my thoughts in line and let people know how I am doing, whether they are strangers or friends, I will keep this as real as I can- however I can tell you that while I am a very optimistic person, I do have some dark and cynical thoughts towards the whole subject of me getting cancer for a second time. I will be posting all of my thoughts here, the good and the bad. I only post optimistic and happy statuses on my Facebook account because I refuse to let people worry about me or think of me as just being the sick girl who complains constantly (which I really don’t by the way).

So to get this started, I had six incisions given to me in the surgery ward. Two were designated for my port. One was for the line of the port to connect it to a main vein to my heart and the other was a pocket for the actual port itself. Since this time I will not be hospitalized for my chemo they gave me a single port instead of a double one (which I had last time and it really stood out as something that was not normal, while my new port looks like maybe a big mosquito bite, so not bad at all). Two of my other cuts were for a microscope to look around for my tumors along my ribs and in the areas around the left lung- and then they stuck in a chest tube in the same area that they had biopsied in order to suck out the fluid surrounding my lungs, as my lung was collapsed and they were trying to make it easier to reflate. The last two incisions were made on my hip bones, where I had my bone marrow aspirations and also biopsies, where I am told that they took a tiny chip of the bone itself as well as the marrow. (which completely explains why that hurt the most out of all of my operations.

Now, after almost three weeks after the surgeries and my first round of chemo I am feeling incredibly good. Like so good, that I got impatient and went swimming while my scars were still healing, so it hurt a little bit but I pulled through and got my workouts in while I could.

On Thursday the 23rd I went to my swim team banquet and got to see all of my swim team friends and discovered just how good of a support system they are. They presented me with a quilt that was hand-made and had patches where each person on the team got to write and draw their own square with what they wanted to say to me. They were all so cute, some of them funny, and made me realize that the team loves me as much as I love them. Another great part of that night (aside from seeing everyone) is that I discovered that I had made an All American time- even though I was unable to swim at state. My conference time was good enough to stay in the top 16 times in the state, so I was elated at this unexpected event.

Then on Saturday the 25th I went clubbing in San Francisco with some of my buddies from swim team (who all happened to be All Americans too) and my best friend DeAngela and her wrestling teammate from Kentucky. Needless to say we had a fantastic time. I danced so much that my hair looked like I had gotten straight out of the pool. Crazy. What I did like about it was the amount of attention that I was receiving. I have never had so many guys after me as I did that night. It was flattering, and sometimes a little annoying at how persistent some guys can be when it comes to wanting to dance with you no matter what. But the attention made me feel pretty and wanted, which is more than I can say how I feel like I have been received as in college.

And now that I am on the subject of feeling wanted and whatnot, I feel pretty unwanted when it comes to dating. Now more than ever. I was talking to this guy from my team and thought that maybe I could like this guy, but he got what he wanted and hardly even talks to me anymore, which I think is super rude considering that we are still friends and above that teammates. But whatever, I am unsure of whether I liked him or not or was a fan of the attention, either way I still want an explanation of what happened, except I am a little too afraid to ask about that.

And another thought, it is kind of sad that I think about this, but I feel like people who I have talked to but never ended up getting in a relationship with for one reason or another, I feel like they are relieved that nothing ever blossomed between us. I mean, it is very hard to ask someone to be your boyfriend when you are going through chemo. Trust me, I’ve tried, and it did not work out too well, but that was my fault for putting too much pressure on the poor guy.

Now more than ever I figure that it will be harder for me to find a good guy because of my health problems. It will be more difficult to meet new people if I am not going to be in school for at least one semester and possibly a whole year. I am going to stay active through all of this and try to get out and meet as many new people as I can. I mean, I will be swimming every single day that I feel good once chemo is over for the week. I will be able to work out almost 2 weeks out of 3… So I guess that isn’t too bad at all. Just because I have cancer doesn’t mean that I have to look or act the part. I will not be a victim of this disease and will fight it and defeat it just as I have done two years ago.

Tomorrow marks my next round of chemo and Ill be very honest, I am scared, mad, anxious, anticipating on how I will be feeling after it. Luckily for anti nausea drugs I will hopefully not be puking my guts out. So far I have been lucky and have saved myself every time that I have almost thrown up. I want that to continue so that this chemo can be as comfortable as chemo can be for a 20 year old girl.

Introductions

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It has been a long time coming for me to write a blog. I heavily considered it the first time I was diagnosed with Ewing’s sarcoma, a rare type of pediatric cancer that is extremely aggressive. I always have on a brave face during my whole battle and no one really knows how I really think and feel. I guess I should first start out with an introduction of my background!
Clearly my name is Lauren. I am 20 years old and I would consider myself to be your pretty average college girl. I have been swimming since I was 12 years old and plan on continuing once my battle is over. I plan on becoming a nurse after everything is over and when I can fully go back to school, luckily I do have a year under my belt already. 
I guess I will just start with a few of my thoughts: 
Why the fuck did this happen to me again?! I am a good person and I already went through cancer once and already had my one year remission. Completely unfair, like couldn’t terrorists or other bad/ abusive people he diagnosed instead?
Am I going to lose my hair again? I did not cry the first time it fell out, but now that it has finally grown back I have a new attachment to it, I feel girls again and I can finally tie it up a little bit.
I am going to be in a grade lower than my 18 year old brother. What the fuck. I am 20 years old and should be finishing up community college by now, but I’ll be done in another year once my cancer is done.
My support system has grown a lot since my first diagnosis, and honestly I’m afraid that it will hurt my swim friends a whole lot because they just got to know me for a year and then this happens. I am also afraid of how my best friends are handling it, because I know it was hard the first time, and I can’t imagine how they will take it this time. 
My parents must be devastated. We thought I was done with all of this and I can’t imagine how they are feeling. Although money isn’t exactly an issue, I am still concerned about how much time my parents may take off to get me to my appointments.
I am definately thinking that I do not want to lose any weight! I am incredibly happy with my 5’4 and 130lb athletic stature. And I don’t want to have to lose my boobs and butt again. I am happy with the way I look. Although I know I will end up looking like my normal self about a year after treatment is over, I would rather stay how I look now. Plus my abs are looki g pretty killer right now. Oh and I’m very tan from swim, I kinda don’t want to lose all of that.
I am hoping that I will be able to have more fun this summer than I did the summer I was diagnosed in 2011. I’m pretty sure that will be the case cuz I will at least be mobile- ill be slow because the tumor is in my lung which has caused it to partially collapse, making it a little tough to breath. 
But I guess this is all for now. I have a pet scan tomorrow which will determine where exactly the tumor is.